thought blog

Every night, I feel this pull to text someone, tell them I’m trans, tell them I want to use he/him pronouns, and I fight it. I keep fighting it, and I keep putting it off, and then in the morning, when I think about it again, I’m afraid again.

Why is that?

Moreover, why can’t I just do it?

It’s so frustrating. I know this is who I am. I know I’m trans. I know I’m a guy, but I’m just not making the leap. Why?

Well, I know why. I think too much. I’m petrified of losing the people I love, of being stared at, of violence, of being hurt. I’m so scared of being hurt, and it fills my entire life, so I build up walls constantly to protect myself from any and all vulnerability. I don’t even realize I’m doing it now. It’s just like the second I go to say “I’m transgender,” I get this feeling in my gut like NOPE don’t do that. Shut that shit down. And while it served a purpose, and still does sometimes, it’s really hard to be genuine and authentic with myself and other people when I’m so scared of any vulnerability at any point.

So, like any good millennial, I googled. I googled, and here are the tips [courtesy of x]:

Open up: Override the unspoken childhood rule DON’T TALK. Identify the trustworthy people in your life, and talk to them about difficult things in your life and difficult things in their lives. Talk about things you never would have before. Be vulnerable. Talk, talk, and talk some more.

Starting off with a doozy, I see.

Who are the trustworthy people in my life? Well, my roommate for one. Sarah. Sasha. Kamila. Kaity. Jason. I trust Nicole and Maya too, but I just haven’t had the emotional connection with them yet. It’s not like I’ve cried in front of the others or some shit, but I’ve drunkenly told Sarah, Sasha, and Kamila I’m trans already, so what’s the harm in doing it again? (I say in total and complete deadpan.)

But start with talking about difficult things in both people’s lives. Do the thing long-term. That’s what the advice is. And I guess I’ve done that. I talk about my mom, or about my meds, with relative frequency. But those things are dissociated from emotion for me. At a certain point, it’s almost clinical.

I do have some vulnerable conversations, I guess. I go to a support group for children of addicts, I go to therapy. I do that stuff in the designated space. But just translating that into real life is what’s tricky.

Make friends with your emotions: Several times each day, close your eyes, focus inward, and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”  Pay attention to how you feel about things, and listen to those feelings. Know that your feelings matter. If the feelings that come up are difficult to handle, please find a trained therapist to support and help you learn to tolerate and manage them.

I have all the apps that check in with me. I try and stay on top of it. I try and, like, meditate or some shit for a little bit every day, or talk to my brain before I go to sleep. It’s probably not enough, but it’s something.

I’ve already got the therapist part down pat; I’m an expert at that shit by now. But it’s difficult trying to prioritize my feelings over other people’s. Because I feel like my feelings are dictated by others. I used to say if people don’t like me, what’s the point? And like, that’s a really bleak way of looking at things, but it’s true. I feel like if I don’t provide usefulness to someone’s life, or if people don’t like me, I’m fucked. I’m an introvert that needs external validation and constant stimulation to thrive. Who the fuck designed this shit?

Take your own needs seriously: Override the unspoken childhood rule DON’T ASK. Tell the people in your life when you need help or support. And then let them help you.

This is a hard one. When I’m upset, I isolate myself. I don’t even know how to ask for help. Sometimes I’ll ask for a hug, but that’s about it. I never let people see me in actual distress. Not even the therapist, and that’s saying something.

I don’t know how to do this part. What does that mean? Particularly for the trans question. I guess, it’s telling them. I need to external declaration of “you are a trans man, and we’re going to use the name and pronouns that honor that.” To hear that would be sweet, obviously, but... the chance of not hearing it. (My friends wouldn’t not support me, but my panic-filled, anxiety-ridden brain doesn’t fucking get that.)

Let people in: Fill your life with quality people. Meaningful relationships are a primary source of richness, connection and meaning in life.

Learned this shit years ago. Done and dusted. I dropped the people i didn’t like, and I only surround myself with people who care and are kind. If there’s one thing I’m proud of that I did, it was protect myself from people who could potentially hurt me.

Get to know who you are: Pay attention to everything about yourself. What do you love, dislike, excel at, struggle with? What is important to you? What are your values? What do you care about? Once you see the full picture of who you are, you will see your value and worth, and you will feel stronger.

I kind of got this. It hasn’t translated to seeing my value and worth (at least, not outside of the ways that those things impact and improve other people’s lives, or the ways that I can prove to people that I matter, but they still have to tell me), but it’s a step. I can work on that.

Well, with that five-point list completed, and with it nearing 3am when I have a full, packed day tomorrow, I’m gonna sleep. Or play Minecraft. One of the two.

so i’m back home for thanksgiving, and i love being back and seeing my family and friends and not having to stress about stuff B U T i forgot how much my dad touches me and doesn’t listen when i say no.

now, let me clarify. i love my dad. he’s one of my favorite people on the planet. i love him a lot, and we get along great, and he’s a really great role model for me, and yeah, i love him. but one of the things that i forgot he does that really pisses me off is he doesn’t listen to me when i tell him not to touch me. these past two days, he’s been all up in my business, smacking my butt, squeezing my arms and legs, putting his finger in my ear –– all this weird stuff, but if i tell him no, he doesn’t listen. he’s like “what? what?” like it’s all fun and funny, when clearly i’m not having it. “please stop. please don’t do that. dad, stop. i said stop.” over and over and over again, and it’s just nonsense! like, i told him “dad, seriously, consent is important, we talked about this” –– because we have. i literally broke down over the summer because i was so frustrated by it. and he’s like “but i’m your dad. it doesn’t matter because i’m your dad.” and like, that’s not how it works? consent is consent always? 

i’m just thinking about how when i have kids, this shit won’t fly. there’s a post on facebook that’s like, i tell my kids to never accept when someone touches them without permission, and they’re not allowed to do it either. if someone touches you and you tell them no and they do it again, you are allowed to do what you need to do to keep your bodily autonomy. and like, there’s another post that’s like “stop telling kids to sit in your laps and give you kisses and stop trapping them in your arms. consent is still important in your family.” like consent is SO IMPORTANT, and when i have kids, i’m going to make sure my kids know consent and ask for it and expect it. like that’s the bare minimum. i will never touch my kids without their permission. it’s just invasive, and i don’t like it.

that’s the most frustrating thing right now. and then i got mad at him and told him to stop multiple times, and he was acting all pissy because i got mad! like, i told you not to do that! why the fuck would you think i wouldn’t get mad? i wasn’t joking.

that’s the one thing that really irks me about my dad. he’s invasive. he’s a busybody. he doesn’t listen when you say no. and it’s so incredibly frustrating, and i hate it. all the other things about my dad, i love. he’s incredibly kind and nurturing and caring and passionate and intelligent, but he doesn’t listen. and it makes it difficult to spend a ton of time with him if i don’t want to be touched.

my roommate is a great person. he’s a very busy person. that’s not to excuse what happened, but i sat down with him, and we talked, and it was really productive. he understood, and he was compassionate, and we talked and made a promise to spend more time together. and for the past week or so, that’s been the case.

he texts often. he invites me to things. he’ll hang out in the room, and when he doesn’t, he lets me know. we still do our own things, and he’s spending the night at aidan’s tonight, and he spent the night on saturday, and it’s just been really good, at least for me. i’m feeling balanced, and i feel like he cares about me, and i’m getting that reassurance that that’s the case, and it’s a really good feeling.

in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a big deal, but i don’t give a shit about the grand scheme of things right now. he was supposed to be hanging out with me. he said he was going to be at the room at 7:30, and it’s 8:30, and he’s not here. and i was excited to see him.

most of the time, he can pick up on when i’m not okay. most of the time, he knows when i’m not doing too hot. and i’ve been sad for a while, and i’ve been frustrated for about two weeks, and i’ve been exhausted and not in a good way, and he hasn’t picked up on it. i’m not expecting him to be a mind reader, but i am expecting him to be there. and he hasn’t even been in the fucking room. he spends half his nights at aidan’s, and most of the day there too. when he’s not with him, he’s with maloy or doing rsa stuff or working in the library, and he’s never in the goddamn room.

it’s not about him being a good roommate, though. he’s a fine roommate. it’s about him being a good friend. i need to feel appreciated, wanted, like my time is valued and like he cares about me. right now, i don’t feel like that. i feel like an inconvenience. i feel like he doesn’t care enough to make the effort and every time i ask him to hang out, he’s too busy. he spends so much time out of the room, and i just... i miss him.

he’s not being a good friend. he’s not being a good roommate. and i’m not in a good place, and i know he knows how to pick up on it because he’s done it before, and he’s just not because he’s not around enough to know that i feel like absolute fucking shit. i feel like shit. i feel like things are pointless and meaningless and i have shitty self-worth and that i’m not worth a grain of fucking salt and i disgust myself. i hate myself, and that’s nothing new, but it’s bad these past few weeks, and he hasn’t noticed. because he hasn’t been here.

so yeah, i’m sad. but i’m mad too. i’m mad at him, and i have a right to be mad at him. and we’re gonna talk about it like grown-ass adults because that’s who we are. this is gonna get resolved because i know he doesn’t know that he’s doing it –– at least, i hope he doesn’t –– but he needs to know because his absence is affecting me. and it’s allowed to affect me. and i’m allowed to feel affected by it.

this felt more like a “what can we do about this specific thing” session rather than an “overarching concept” session. it’s hard to explain if you haven’t been in therapy groups before, but it wasn’t the flashy kind of success we sometimes have.

basically, i miss my roommate. i want to talk to him more, and i feel like we haven’t. we decided to live together again because we got along so well, and now he’s spending a lot of time with his boyfriend or prioritizing the friends that ask for time from him, and i don’t want to be a burden, so i don’t ask him to spend time with me. what ends up happening is i end up missing out on time with him. but then i’m by myself in a room for hours at a time, and i feel worse.

so in group today, we talked about how to go about that, in a manner of speaking. basically, we all have trouble advocating for ourselves and voicing our needs. and they were suggesting ways for me to challenge my hesitancy about voicing my needs. they recommended a few things.

answer honestly when people ask how you’re doing

think about what it means to take up all your space and what that would look like

genuinely say how you feel

and those things may sound stupid or vague, but they’re hard. so it’s gonna be a challenge for sure. but i still don’t feel like i made a lot of progress? i feel cloudy, like i don’t really know how i feel, or i feel distanced from my thought processes. del recommended i think about when that happens. i feel foggy right now, and i don’t know how to help it or do anything about it or whatever. i don’t feel resolved, and i don’t feel like i’ve reached a solution or anything. i just kind of feel like i’m stuck with the same problems i had before and temporary things to do to try and address them. i don’t know. that’s the summary. i don’t know.

what i do know is i don’t want to feel spiteful towards aidan. he’s great, and he and indy are awesome, and i’m really happy for them. i don’t want to make indy choose between me and him because that’s overdramatic and unnecessary and crappy. they’re having a good time, and indy likes hanging out with him. i just don’t want to become irrelevant. i don’t want to become an unnecessary part of the equation, something you can cancel out and get rid off because it’s too complicated or clunky and doesn’t help. i want to be good, not just tolerable, and especially not bad. i want to add positives to people’s lives, not just be something they can swallow like broccoli. whatever that means, i want to feel like i contribute to people’s lives, and lately, i haven’t felt that way.

i don’t know if that problem can be solved in one group therapy session. i don’t know how it would be. but i want to see indy. i just want to spend time with indy and aidan, or me and indy, or whatever.

i’m on medication for anxiety and depression, and most of the time, it works great. zoloft is a gift from above, and i don’t think i’d still be enrolled in college if i didn’t have it. but here i am, a sophomore getting ready to declare a major and with all my life ahead of me. but it’s still kinda fucky.

the best way i’ve ever heard it described was, conveniently enough, in a fanfic. “i sometimes don’t like... anything. [...] i just... everything overwhelms me sometimes. i feel like i’m swimming... in the ocean. [...] it’s like... i’m swimming. and, most of the time i’m okay, right? but then... stuff happens. and... then i’m not swimming anymore. and i feel like i’m drowning.”

that’s how i feel most of the time. like i’m swimming, and there’s all this stuff around me, and most of the time, i can handle it. but some days, i can’t, and it’s just like, “fuck there’s a lot of stuff around here. why is there so much stuff?” i’m not built to tread water constantly. none of us.

but part of me doesn’t know what the zoloft is supposed to do about that. i love therapy, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not the daily thing that zoloft is. it’s bi-monthly, or sometimes once a month. and that sucks, but it’s reality. the zoloft, in my mind, makes it so that i can tread water longer, makes it so that i can handle the big waves and the things that are constantly around me. if i don’t take my zoloft, it becomes much, much harder to handle those. i feel like i’m drowning more. but i want to stop treading water. most of the time, i just want to take a nap.

which brings me to how i’m feeling today. i’m tired. i want a nap. i want to float on my back and feel like i don’t have to do anything, even though i do. i feel bad, ‘cause ever since i got back from my fall break trip with my friends to canada, i’ve been a hermit. i haven’t quite recovered from the massive energy suck that weekend was. i love them, don’t get me wrong, and vancouver was amazing, but i’m just... fuck, i’m tired. and i’ve just been wanting to sleep, and i haven’t been sleeping, and i’ve skipped cool talks and lectures, and i’ve skipped meals, and it’s just like i’m a shadow of a person, a placeholder, and i don’t know what to do about it.

i feel broken. cut off from the world. exhausted. i’m not in a people mood because when i’m around people, i’m always on. 100% ready to go at any moment. i give so much to those interactions. my roommate once told me i’m really good with people, and my response was, “i’m good at it because i’m not.” and that’s really true. i’m not good at dealing with people, so i make sure that nobody picks up on that problem. i’m not good at connecting, at handling situations when they’re a little too personal or vulnerable. so i do work to ensure that nobody ever thinks i’m not okay, nobody ever looks past that extra layer and tries to connect with me on a deeper level. ‘cause that’s when shit gets scary. that’s what i mean by that.

ultimately, this doesn’t really have a resolution. there is no “ultimately,” i guess. i’m tired. my zoloft is working, but not as well as i’d like. i love my job, and my classes are fun, but i just don’t want to talk to human beings. that’s sort of the crux of it. if i could do everything remotely, i would. if i could get the notes from class from someone else, or if i could skype in and watch class, i would be golden. i’d stay on top of my work. i’d do the readings and assignments. it’s just... some days, getting to class is really hard. talking to people is really hard. being around human beings is really, really fucking hard.