soo idk i just refilled my rx for testosterone & got the next 3 months on lock but the other day the thought came into my head that i could stop & maybe i want to... or just go lower dose... because like. well first of all frankly i think i'm getting uglier. and i dont even know what to do about that like my hairline is still stressing me out and at my most recent appt the doc was like "well i always tell people if minoxidil isnt working for them after a year then it wont work in the future" and its been about 7 months and im still not happy so LMFAO AWESOME!!!!!!! and my facial hair looks so scraggly and weird and i just. feel ugly all the time lol. and i'm still not used to shaving. like i'm still only doing it maybe twice a month but today i had my "groom everything" shower so i cut my hair (a little shorter than normal) and i shaved my face and tweezed my eyebrows lol and honestly.. i think i like when i look like i did before i started T if that makes sense.... like its still giving non-binary but if im being real with yall im still so scared to commit to going to mens bathrooms and mens locker rooms (i think this is whats keeping me from going to the gym as well) and living life is way less stressful when i just. remove the facial hair aspect of it all, which in my head at least is what makes everyone see me as a man. and so ill just have to shave everyday and thats gonna be so much more maintenance but idk. i guess a lot of this could be relieved if i had top surgery bc im also feeling a lot of swimsuit anxiety since i still have boobs to cover and then the thought of people seeing me at the public beach or pool with a full beard but bikini on like makes me want to throw up idk. i try to be cool but i cant help but notice how transphobia seeps through the cracks of everything including my own brain & self image. yay