𝗸𝘂𝗺͟𝗶 ໒꒱ིྀ

" My last name is Nokasela, of course I'm an amazing singer. "

Back in Naveila, my family is well known for their singing prowess. It is a skill we have cultivated throughout generations and as someone who grew up surrounded by the island's spiritual community, which in Naveila is heavily intertwined with music, I was unstoppable with my voice.

Even though I was probably destined to become a singer one day, I've dabbled in a bunch of art forms. Back on the islands I was actually really into cinematography. I used to shoot short films all around the island (thank you mom for the train discounts) and I first learned to produce music because I wanted to make original soundtracks for my films. My members beg me all the time to let them watch the films I made, I'm still debating it (and the physical copies are thousands of miles away with my parents 💔).

We goin' higher 다음 도시 속에. 빌딩들 내려보며 fly all day

In 2017, I kinda joined JYPE on whim. During one of my stays in LA I saw they were having auditions and thought "I could do that." Turns out, I was right! And that also meant uprooting my entire life to move to South Korea and become a trainee. Luckily, I had been learning Korean from one of my closest friends and their family. We were so close in fact that their grandparents actually moved with me to Korea so I wouldn't be alone.

While trying to acclimate to my new life I was prone to... getting lost. That first day at the JYPE building was worst than any first day at school. Thankfully, an older trainee saw my distress and, after getting pass the intial intimidation, I learned his name was Bang Chan.

When I explained what happened to my friend's grandparents later that day they, to my embarrassment, decided to seek out Chan to profusely thank him and ask him to watch over me at the company.

I mean, I enjoyed having an excuse to get closer to the guy I was slowly beginning to crush on but, damn, did they have to make me look so pathetic? Chan only really saw me as his dongsaeng at first but something happened between My Pace and I Am YOU and he slowly begin to reciprocate my feelings.

워어오 워어오 워오 Higher 저 위로 갈래

My first shift is to Christmas Eve 2018. I Am YOU just came out and we're about to start prepping for MIROH. All of our schedules are complete for the year and we have an entire week off! Something even tells me Chan might be ready to confess soon...

You let him this time though, simply nodding your head as you listen to his explanation. You can't say you remember everything he says, but what's important is that you can hear the softness of his voice. It feels like forever since things were this calm and relaxed. Despite you spending every afternoon with him, it's always a hit or miss if it's going to be good or not.

"I think she should have just left and let both guys figure out what it even is they want in life," he comments and you hum back.

"You don't like happy endings, that's why."

He shrugs casually. "I like happy endings, but they aren't realistic. People don't get their happily ever afters, and they certainly don't get everything they've always dreamed off." Your smile falters as his words reach your ears but you try to not let it show, hoping he won't notice. Of course you talk about things like these, how could you not? But with the circumstances, even though you know it's easier for him when he talks about it, you can't handle it. "That's why I love five feet apart."

You scoff, praying he can't see how much you hate it. "Of course you love that. You love when I bawl my eyes out, hm?"

"Not intentionally," he whispers, the air heavy again. "But that's how life is. You should know that the best. People don't get their happy endings."

"Yeah," you breathe out, fisting the fabric of your jeans as you look down at the hospital floor, staring a hole into it. He is right. People don't get their happy endings. If anything, the universe just tests their strength constantly until finally breaking them.

Jungwon held on strong, enduring everything the universe threw at him for over twenty years. But when the last battle came up a few months ago, his body finally gave in. Ever since then, you've all just been waiting. Waiting for the last moment he breaks completely.

And as selfish as it may sound, you hope it's soon.

Seeing him struggle so much, going through all kinds of medications and treatments that you both know won't save him, is far worse than just closing the chapter. This is one of the good days, one where he can spend all day talking to you without any complications, almost making it seem like everything is back to normal, but there are days far worse as well — days so bad he asks the nurses to keep you out so you wouldn't have to see him, days he spends with doctors who keep trying to help and just end up bearing bad news, or days when he can't do anything but sleep.

You've been here through it all, which is why you can be this selfish. Thanks to seeing it all, because you know how it feels, you can afford to say that you wish it's quick for him. The longer he goes through this, the more painful it will be for all of you. Not just you or him, but his parents and all of his friends. You're not sure if he realizes it, but whenever he talks about death or how people don't get their happy endings to make it easier for himself, he hurts everyone around him.

"Cheer up, angel," he encourages with a soft smile. "It doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just how life goes. We all die eventually, some sooner than later," he shrugs. You're glad he has accepted it but if you're honest, you want to slap him every time he says something like this. It's not fair. It's not fair at all. "Not you, though. You're going to live a long, happy, life. You'll get married, have children, and all with the smile on your face I love so much," his thumb strokes your cheek gently.

Oh fuck. You didn't think you'd cry today. Not on one of the good days. But here you are, sitting beside his hospital bed, with his thumb brushing off the tears that fall from your eyes. You shouldn't be the one crying. You should be strong for him, act like all this doesn't break you into thousand small pieces so he could be the one crying.

You don't answer him, simply meeting his eyes. You both know that's not what you want. Not when he won't be here with you. He's been with you for so long, you can't imagine your life without him. From the first grade to now, the two of you have always been a duo, so how are you supposed to find someone else to replace the void he'll leave behind? You can't. You don't want to marry if it's not with him. You don't want to go out with people and tell them about your first love and why you never got to be together. You don't want to do all this.

"Come on. You promised me."

"I promised to try," you correct him. "I promised to take care of your parents and be there for them. I never promised to do all that, Won."

"You have to."

You shake your head, refusing. "I can't."

"You are the strongest person I know, my love," the nickname slips from his lips so casually you hate him. You hate Yang Jungwon so much. You hate how much you love him and how you don't want to let him go. You hate how while you wish this could all be over soon, you also wish for him to live the long live he deserves and be with you. "If anyone can do this, it's you."

"I'll miss you," you whisper and he nods, cupping your cheeks with both of his hands and forcing you look at him.

"Only a little bit."

"A lot," you admit. He smiles, not saying anything anymore and leaning closer, his lips pressing against your forehead. Your hands shake in your lap as you close your eyes, allowing yourself to linger in this moment to remember exactly how his lips feel against your skin. You don't think you'll get another chance so you do your best now.

"It's getting dark outside. You should go home and have dinner," he says, pulling back. You hesitate as you meet his eyes, seeing the pain he hides behind them. You don't want him to be in pain. Especially not if it's because of you. You noticed he doesn't get sad or angry about his situation anymore, but he still bears regrets — regrets regarding you. Every time his eyes hold a sign of pain in them, you know it's because of you. You hate it. You hate this sickness and how many lives it's already ruined. "We'll talk again tomorrow, hm?"

♡⸝⸝♡⸝⸝

The following day is one of the bad days.

"I'm sorry," Haeun, one of the nurses, stops you before you can reach the door of Jungwon's room, apology written all over her face. "Mr. Yang asked me to not let you see him like this. The doctors did a few tests this morning and he's exhausted now, you know how it is."

"Yeah, I know how it is," you mumble, blinking away the tears that build in the corner of your eyes. A hand rests on your shoulder and you look up from the floor, meeting Jake's eyes. Him and Jay stand beside you, sharing your pain this time. They don't come as often, not because they wouldn't want to but because Jungwon begged them not to, claiming it only made it worse seeing all of his friends mourning him when he was still here. Much to their initial dislike, they listen to him, limiting their visits to minimum.

"Let me see him, Eun, please," you plea when you meet her eyes and the pain in her eyes only grows.

"He wouldn't—"

"Please."

With a heavy sigh, she steps aside, allowing the three of you to walk to his room. You don't come in like you usually do, stopping right in front of the entrance and looking at him through the glass window in the door. He's laying on his side, cuddled up in his blanket. You don't need to be closer to know he's shivering, his eyes tired and hair sticking to his forehead due to the sweat. He's in pain. You know he's in pain, and you want nothing more than to run to him and hug him.

"He refused to talk to the doctors earlier," Haeun whispers softly but you don't look at her, keeping your eyes on your best friend. "He's like a zombie, which sometimes happens because of the medication he's on," she explains to the two boys who aren't as knowledgeable as you. "Fever is not usual though so the doctors wanted to run a few tests to make sure everything was okay."

"Is it?" You ask quickly. "Is everything okay?"

"I don't know, love," she says softly and you close your eyes, doing your best not to think about the worst case scenario.

The thought of Jungwon before this all crosses your mind. Don't think. Don't remember. You repeat the words in your head over and over again. Don't think about how he didn't want to be sick. Don't think about how happy he used to be when the two of you spent every afternoon hanging out outside, enjoying the fresh air and laughing about the stupidest things. Don't think about the smile that decorated his face every day before this. Don't think. Don't remember. Don't hang on the happy memories or those almost kisses you shared when it was all still perfect. Don't remember how he held you when he found out, sobbing into your shoulder about not wanting to die. Don't remember.

You don't realize you're crying until a pair of hands wrap around your shoulder. You can't tell which of the boys it is at the moment, but you don't care either. You bury your head in his chest, letting the tears fall down your face as you wrap your arms around him, fisting his shirt tightly. "I'm sorry," Jake's voice rings in your ears as he rubs gentle circles on your back, trying to sooth you. It doesn't work, though. Your sobs become uncontrollable, all the emotions you've been holding in for the last few months finally crashing down onto you. You break down in Jake's arms, and there's no coming back from that.

Exchanging a glance with Jay, Jake wonders what he should do. There's no right way to go about this. His friend, your best friend, is dying, and neither of them can do anything about it. And while he hates the thought of losing his friend, he also knows it's so much harder for you. It's not a secret to the guys that Jungwon is not only your best friend but also the one your heart aches for. You never told them but you didn't need to.

"Let's go back home," Jay suggests carefully. "We can't see him now either way."

You want to argue, tell them you'll stay in the hallway if you need to, just so you could be with him. You don't care if he knows you're here or not, you want to be here. But as Jake pulls back slightly, holding your arms and looking into your eyes, begging you to just go home for today, you give in. "We can come back tomorrow. I'm sure it'll be one of the good days then," he assures you, doing his best to smile.

Nodding, you quickly wipe your tears away with the back of your hand. "Okay."

♡⸝⸝♡⸝⸝

Tomorrow doesn't arrive for all of you, though.

It's ten am when you get the call, sitting in the middle of your lesson when Haeun's phone number flashes on your screen. It was your idea to get her contact, wanting to make sure she could inform you about any updates she has.

You don't accept it, shooting her a message instead that you can't pick up right now. She answers immediately, her words causing tears to run down your face faster than you thought was possible. I'm sorry, love. No, no, no, no, no. You quickly grab all your things, not glancing back once as you rush out of class, dialing her number.

"Don't," you tell her immediately when she picks up, gasping as you hold your hand in front of your face so others passing by won't notice the ugly cries. "Don't you dare—"

"I'm sorry," she repeats, her voice low. "We tried but—"

"No," you choke out. "This can't— Not now— this isn't—" you're not sure what to say, how to react. This isn't how it was supposed to happen. Not when he was alone, not when you didn't even get to talk to him yesterday. Guilt takes over your entire body and you quickly run to the nearest bathroom, locking yourself in one of the stalls. "This is all my fault."

"Oh, no, darling," she shakes her head. "You can't blame yourself for this at all. We knew it was coming, no one just knew when. You couldn't have done anything differently."

"I could have stayed," you argue. "I could have been there when it happened, I could have—"

"He died this morning in his sleep," she interrupts you. "I've been told it wasn't painful for him." You're glad. You're glad he wasn't in pain. But it doesn't change how you feel, how you can't stop thinking about the fact you didn't get to talk to him yesterday, how you didn't get to say your goodbye. "He's written you a letter and told me to give it to you once the day comes," she whispers carefully, not wanting to make things worse.

"I'll be there soon," you nod, hanging up on her before she can say anything else, knowing you won't be able to handle it.

You sit in the bathroom stall for another forty minutes before slowly walking out again. You feel numb, your cheeks still wet. You can't bring yourself to stop crying fully but you've calmed down, your sobs not as heavy anymore. It's the best you can do today.

You don't open the letter until you're outside of the hospital again. You barely exchange a few words with Haeun before leaving, unable to stay in the place for too long. You don't think you'll be able to step inside for a while.

I hope it's not too hard for you, my love. If there's ever been someone I wished the world for, it's been you. You made my life so much more joyful and I could not be more grateful. There is one regret I have, though. I should have never fallen in love with you. We might have never told each other but I know you knew. I wish you didn't. I wish you never had to face the fact your loved one was dying. I loved loving you, I loved having you on my mind all the time, but it shouldn't have happened. Then, maybe, this would have all been easier for you.

Please don't stay hung up on us, on what could have been. Live your life, travel the world if you want, do everything you've always wished for. I don't want to be the one holding you back. I would hate that. Please, promise me you will forget about me and spend the rest of your life loving someone else. That's my only wish. You deserve the best, and I can't be that. I haven't been that ever since I was diagnosed. So, find someone who would make all this easier for you. Find someone to bear the pain with. Until one day, it won't hurt as much.

With love, forever yours.

You hate Yang Jungwon. You hate him so much. Wiping away the new tears, you tug the piece of paper into your pocket, doing your best to compose yourself again. This is what he would have wanted. He wouldn't want to see you crying all the time. So, you'll stay strong for now. You'll get through the rest of the day as he'd wish for you to until your body hits your bed and you'll let it all out in the comfort of your room.

You'll do everything he's wanted. You'll live until it doesn't hurt as much. You'll love and allow yourself to be loved. Even if it's not by him.