LittlePeppermint

I think I love you. But I’ll keep it my secret for now.

There's more I would like to say, to you, but I won't, and the words and letters, instead, tumble around in my head. So my mouth stays closed, my teeth held together, until they ache, they ache with the need to talk, the need to stay silent. You say you're here, and my heart believes you, but my mind remembers, the mind always remembers, and I'm not quick to take words over actions, I'm not quick to forgive. I'm sorry, because I know you don't mean to cause me any pain, but my chest is full of black ink, and it's making it hard to breathe.

I'm shaky but quiet. I can hear you, Your words, your voices. You're loud, too loud. You're angry, very angry, But I have no tears for you, I have to words for you, I'm mute for you. I nod my head for you, I turn away for you. I pretend not to hear you. And you're there, Yelling about me, And I'm quiet.

I wish I wasn't such a fuck up.

To read is to: Become someone else, It is to step into new shoes, That can be larger, or smaller; It is to feel brave where you are weak, And lose beloved family members That you never met. To read is to: Travel to a new universe, It is to wander among worlds, That can be simple, or extraordinary; It is to imagine something beyond yourself, And become attached to places, That don’t exist. To read it to: Escape your reality, It is to discover new adventures, That can be dangerous and intriguing; It is to forget about the world you live in, And lose yourself in the journey, That’s all in your head.

I'll remember tonight forever. From the moment you stepped Into my little house, Walked up my little stairs, Into my little room. There was no rush, No urgent desire or need, Just relaxation and cuddles, No demanding or pushing, Just understanding and love. And seeing you sitting at my table, With my crazy family, With a smile on your face, With your hand covering mine, All I could do was smile. I just smiled, Because you really are here, With my family, A part of my family.

I want to put into words, This joy, this happiness, This feeling of light in my chest, When I think about you. You're this amazing person, This truly beautiful person, Both inside and out, And you've shared with me More than I could ask of you. You've given me love, You've given me your heart, You've given me a home, Darling, you've given me everything.

My hands are shaking, My head is pounding, And your arms are held out for me. I turn towards you, Ready to feel the relief of your arms. No. No she says, And the coward I am, I walk to the couch, unable to sit, So I just stand there, My head bowed, my tears Turning the carpet into an ocean. My body is shaking, Terrified and ashamed, Everything I do just makes things worse. I know we should have waited, We should have, but we didn't. Her words are poison dipped arrows, Inflicting physical wounds now, And lasting damages later; She tells me that I'm a failure, I'm ruining his life, I'm a liar, I'm a manipulator. She tells me that I'm not welcome In her home, I'm not welcome To see him, talk to him. It's over, she said, This is through.

I remember your arms, So strong and loving, Wrapped so tightly around me, Holding me as if for the First time in months; I remember your shirt, My hands grabbing handfuls of That faded Philadelphia Eagles, And it smelled like you, All spice with a hint of nature. But when I pulled back to kiss you, You changed. You got shorter, your hair longer. You were wearing Pierce the Veil, Your eyes were a light ocean blue, Instead of the normal honey brown. My heart stammered, confused, It was you. It was you. Why is he here? Why is he holding me? My heart doesn't love him anymore, My heart doesn't crave him anymore, So why can't I step away?

I can already feel the storm clouds rolling in, The uneasy pressure is filling the room Making it harder to breathe, The thunder is sounding, I can see the streaks of lightning, And I wonder to myself: Can we go one night without it raining?

You and I are standing on a shore That was just swept with a tsunami, Our young trees are uprooted, Our construction grounds are flooded And our fragile buildings are demolished. Yet there we stand, Alone on our ends of the shore, And I can see you there, Weeping over our lost city, Just as I mourn for the past we've paved; My legs urge me to you, To ease both your pain and mine, But the water rushes up to me, Pulling me down, down, down, And I swear I can see your face, And hear your voice, As the waves strangle my lungs, Dragging me in the bottom of the ocean.

Your words dripped poison, And you called it honey.

I tremble; My hands and legs, My entire body shakes. My teeth chatter in the darkness, Where no one can hear My muffled cries. I abandoned my familiar pillow, For a soft teddy bear, Having already been drowned In tears times before, He hugs me back. You ask me to answer and  I tremble harder, Teeth clattering faster, Breath sawing in and out, Painfully, quickly. I feel the bile rise, And tell myself I'm stronger, But what am I without you?

She smelled like poetry, galaxies and coffee; Her shoulders carry her heavy words, While her eyes sparkled with a thousand stars, And her veins were warmed by espresso, with a soft hint of hazelnut. He smelled like autumn, hugs and hot chocolate; His eyes dripping a honey brown, While his cheeks flushed with happiness, And his arms were like warm fudge, topped with cool whipped cream. Her favorite season was found in his eyes, Her sad soul smiled, buried in his chest, And her frozen heart thawed, melted in the heat of his arms. He found sanctuary and serenity in her words, His thoughts calmed, resting on her shoulders, And his scared heart relaxed, soothed by the heat in her veins.

You have this amazing way of Stripping me down, Exposing the best hidden parts Of my soul, And loving every little piece you find. You look past all the scars To what has haunted me, To what drove me to hurt. You kiss and caress my hardened edges, Like a wave kisses glass Until it is smooth to the touch. You weather my down, To the point where I don't need to hide Behind little white lies, To the point where I feel comfortable In my own pale skin.

Don't leave me alone with my demons.

Strawberry ice cream is Nowhere near as sweet as your voice, And not even a fraction as warm. It doesn't cool my aching skin, Or calm my quaking nerves, Or slow my racing thoughts. Strawberry ice cream is  Not what I want, nor what I need, But it's what I have, So I guess it's better than nothing.