a look at my mind

You were my best friend. Flashbacks to the night I had to bury you, still keep me up at night. It left such a deep scar, I don’t know if it will ever heal. That night I felt like I buried a part of me, as if I buried my happiness along with you.

I don’t know if I can ever love someone the way I loved you. You were one of my best friends, one of the few people in my life who loved me unconditionally, no matter what I did.

I’m afraid of loving again. I can’t afford to lose someone again. It would be the last straw for me to break, and never being able to repair myself again.

Where did you go?

I should know the answer to that question, but I don’t want to face the truth yet. It’s a cold night and I don’t want to feel alone. Please tell me you’ll come over again, even if it’s just in spirit. I need to feel your presence. I don’t care if it’s just in my head.

You rescued me in a way. For ten years you were my reason to hold on, you gave me a purpose. Taking care of you made me feel like I was important. I always protected you from everything. I did everything in my power to make you happy, to avoid you hurting. I wish I could’ve protected you from the cancer, I wish that I could’ve taken your pain away. I couldn’t. The only solution was taking one of the hardest decisions in my life, but the only right thing to do for you. The last thing I could do for you.

Where are you? Where did you go?

I still don’t want to face the truth.

I keep hoping you’ll come home again.

Even if it’s in my dreams.