Such things that happen to be here

Washing ashore must feel good as fuck

Maid cleaning a massive chateau surely belonging to the richest people you’ve ever seen, and as she’s walking from room to room you notice that every single portrait is of her

maybe there never were any twin towers. like did u ever see them?

So I know all you kids are joking around but no, you’re not allowed to make jokes about this. No.

Steve Harvey, walking forward: [audience cheering and clapping] YES!!! KILL!!!!!! [board changes, with a ding, to reveal the word “KILL”]

its time to take the turkey out of the oven. its done now.

Yes I see the problem here is you cooked the wrong turkey because instead of a regular turkey you cooked the turkey of darkness and you are fired

so tired of having to cook and trying to figure out wtf to eat, can I just have like. Specialized human dog food or something, like some vegetable and protein biscuits and a special drink so that I only have to think about maybe cooking something once a day instead.