Even here my randomness is verbose

reblogging the golden potato

hoping it will work

Day 54 of the entire hoenn dex in the old pokemon style

# 305 lairon

I remember, during my exploration days as a "femboy", and my early days of transition, how femininity was punished. I've been called a "crossdressing fetishist", "womanface", "man in a dress", the disgusting list of usual transphobia... the sheer vitriol is daunting.

And I saw it wrapped in 'woke' language as well, or in the language of trans communities. "parodying femininity", "cringe babytrans", "womanface", "enforcing gender norms".... it's exhausting.

Too often the same people who will affirm your gender still punish you for expressing your actual gender. For trans woman, expressing yourself as a woman is punished. I've been told many times that I shouldn't express myself in a feminine way, ever, either because it "doesn't fit me" or because femininity is "shallow". It's tranmisogyny, yes, but its also just flat out misogyny. As much as the Barbie movie is a neolib "intro to feminism", the entire speech about "you have to be feminine but not too feminine otherwise that's bad and trying too hard" rings very true for transgender women.

My style oscillates between "casual women's cut clothing grad student" and "hiker butch" and "high femme in a dress", so I've seen the reactions people have to all of it. Expressing femininity is punished the most. No contest.

Part of the reason I'm saying this is because, well, I see a lot of positivity thrown around for "you don't have to adhere to the expression of your gender, you are your gender because its who you are, you don't owe anyone conformity." And this is fantastic! This is wonderful and true! But.... I see far more of this than I see positivity for transgender women expressing femininity, something that is relentlessly punished by society.

So here's my love letter to transgender women that aren't afraid to express themselves. Who find empowerment in femininity, and feminine expression. Who are able to break the misogynistic overtones that society has ascribed to things traditionally associated with womanhood, and capture them for themselves and use them to better become who they are. Who are able to survive the onslaught of people, especially early transition, who belittle and treat femininity as frivolous and weak, and instead use femininity as the source of their power and conviction.

I ended up taking an $85,000/yr job as an optical research scientist at Corning instead.

It is an odd feeling, having a price put on your soul. I'd be a millionaire with a house by my mid-30s if I'd accepted that. And the offer is still open, in fact I'd have an even more generous one waiting for me with the skills I have now.

In all seriousness, if you have the right skillset, you can actually sell your soul. This very week. You will live in comfort and moderate luxury for all your days. Two of my family members did that work decades ago, until they couldn't stomach it any longer, and it set up the rest of their lives.

But I promise you, it's not worth it. It's been almost 50 years for one of them and it still haunts him. He says the worst part was the way they (him included) talked about human lives as things. Numbers on a spreadsheet, sterile corporate jargon in meetings. A lifetime later and you can still see it in his eyes when he talks about it.