AlwaysGonnaGiveYaUp

I was just having some rlly bad thoughts as I looked at a certain crafting knife, but I grabbed her and gripped onto her instead, and it somehow got those thoughts to go away. I like the bury my face into her and it helps me regulate my breathing too.

most of the time I don’t eat, and when I do I either feel like I wanna be sick or that I’m fat and I shouldn’t be eating. And I end up feeling like shit and can’t do anything because I’m too tired or like I’ll pass out

I hate my body, my thighs are too big, my chest is too much, I’m too big and take up too much space. Why is my face shape like this? Why do I have stretch marks everywhere? I feel guilty everytime someone has to spend money on me, or I waste something that someone spent money on for me, I feel guilty asking for anything that would make the other go out their way to help me with. I feel guilty asking to use different pronouns, to change my name, to dress differently.

a lot of the time, I feel like I’m just watching my life go by, like I’m watching a video. Like it’s not me that’s talking, not me that’s moving, just not me. I don’t know how to explain it. Best I can say is that I feel like I’m just watching a video, that is my life.

sometimes things get too much, and sometimes I grab the scissors or a small crafting knife. The guilt gets too much whatever I do. I can’t win.

I don’t tell my parents anything that bothers me, I did’t tell them that I’ve passed out twice when I was alone, I don’t tell them when I’m having bad thoughts, I don’t tell them if I suspect something is wrong. I don’t want to worry them, that I’m not “normal”, that I need help.