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My apologies, I cannot speak Spanish. I recognize just enough to apologize in English and to say “no Spanish” after a couple attempts.

It is not you, I am dumb.

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I have been informed that I am “too young” to know the turtles represented on my shirt.

Sir. I watched Waco burn on the evening news with my parents, I know exactly which version of ninja turtles is on my shirt.

Have acquired tiny rubber dog booties.

I am not going to encourage the cats so I am going to force them on to Friend. She has a Tiny Dog and it will be hilarious.

#phone post #lol #moons haunted

sepulchritude

my fav trope is like, nonhuman characters not understanding human needs/customs but still being super supportive of their human companion

“look what I found while exploring this planet’s surface!” “kilrak please I’m trying to sleep” “ah yes your human circadian rhythm. *stage whispering* I am supposed to be quiet during this time in your rhythm, yes?”

“the book I purchased on ragnok V says humans require physical touch when upset. therefore, I shall engage in a ‘hug’ with you.” *supremely awkward five-armed hug ensues*

*human sneezes* “OH MY GOD SIL'EEN GET THE MEDIC OUR HUMAN IS DYING”

“this pamphlet I received recently says that humans require companions and packmates in the form of small earth creatures. you should have told me this before we departed earth, but it is no worry. we will have to stop at the next trade planet to get you one of these ‘cats’ or ‘dogs’.”

agentquinn

imagine the aliens really purchasing a kitten for one of their rough and world-weary scifi badass human companions and watching in helpless wonderment what ensues

“she’s been cuddling that small animal for the past fifteen minutes just going ‘kitty, kitty’. did we - did we break our human?”

a more seasoned alien puts one of their tentacles around the younger one as the rest of the team gathers to watch their human make kissy noises.

“no, kilrak,” the alien says. “we did good.”

frowningfox

“Human-Steve! I have heard that today is the anniversary of your hatching! According to my human culture pamphlet, it is customary to set a sugary pastry on fire while chanting your species’ growth incantation and presenting sacrifices wrapped in shiny paper. I am afraid to ask, in case this ritual is sacred and this request therefor insensitive… but may I be allowed to participate? It sounds much more fascinating than molting.”

anexperimentallife

“Human Steve, I have read about your ritual dance called ‘The Hokey Pokey,’ performed mostly at mate-bonding celebrations after the guests reach an elevated level of intoxication. But Human Steve, how do I know WHICH left foot to put in, put out, and shake all about? I do not… Human Steve, why are you laughing?”

captainarwenpond221b-deactivate

“Human-Steve, you are… you are eating, but it is not one of your ritual fueling times. Are you dying? Is everything alright? Have you not been receiving enough sustenance? Do I need to get you better things to eat? Human-Steve, why are you trying to hide that food?”

rinneavicula

“Human-Steve, my research has informed me of a grave oversight in your care that I, as your companion, have made! Thus, I have gathered collections of fictional human literature to read aloud at the time of your bed. Which is more to your liking: “The Care and Keeping of Cacti” or “1001 Crossword Puzzles?” Human-Steve? Human-Steve, I am serious.“

hongbubs

One of the things I love the most about this post is how “Human-Steve” makes me think that there is also an alien called Steve in the squad, and I just imagine the first meeting and introduction where there is the human guy introducing himself as Steve and then there is this huge blue guy with like 5 legs and bug eyes and apparently Steve is like a completely regular name on his planet too in some intergalactical coincidence

that was off topic sorry.

aethersea

that was the best possible tangent, thank you for this addition

quick complaint:

i want cheese, i want grilled cheese, i want my sweet potato burgers, i want hot chocolate, i want my fruit (I have strawberries *and* blueberries in the fridge!), i want coffee, i want tacos, i want pizza, i want peanut butter toast, i want a tomato sandwich.

but no. the closest i can get is peanut butter on a flour tortilla.

i can have bread, if it's white bread (I have wheat bread), i can have bagels (but i have everything bagels, i got myself everything bagels as a fun treat and now i can't eat them). i can have applesauce (thank you past me), i can have rice (made a thing of rice last night), i can have broth (beef bouillon cubes were the worst decision to take to work last night, i'm taking chicken tonight). i definitely can't have a breakfast shake.

i found a sleeve of butter crackers and am thrilled, mixed bone broth in with the rice for breakfast. at least, on the plus side, i am a "tea enthusiast" and have a plethora of varieties and like...6? jars of honey in the cabinet.

this sucks, i want tacos. and not like actual tacos, like taco bell tacos.

i have definitely learned that laughing hurts, so does sneezing.

#pc post #grump #yay flareup #this needs to be over #i want chips #all this relatively healthy food and i can't eat squat

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My boss says it looks like I lost 20 lbs.

Thanks, it’s from feeling like I was getting stabbed in the intestines on Sunday.

(She has insisted I open her box of teddy grahams and eat some. I can have graham crackers right now so yes absolutely I will have a handful of teddy grahams)

#phone post #moons haunted #if I lose 2lbs it’s super obvious #I didn’t do it on purpose

Thank you, past me, for buying a pack of English muffins. Because, apparently, while my intestines decide that it’s time to rebel, I cannot have wheat bread and that’s all the bread I eat

I made a thing today. I don’t think it’s very good and I apparently stabbed myself more than I realized while fighting with it.

But! I made a thing. I made a thing I haven’t made in years.

I think it looks terrible and awkward and I think I picked the wrong colours. But, it’s done. I went from star to finish and I made the thing.

Any body with enough dexterity (and stubbornness) can make this thing, but not everyone will. Not everyone is interested. But I did it and I should be pleased with myself that u did it.

But I feel like I’ve wasted 20 or so minutes seeing if I could make the thing instead of doing housework or remembering to take the broken pieces of the dresser drawer to the garage or determining if Renfrei really is stealing all of Crickets food when my back is turned.

I accidentally kept the little matchbox fire truck mom got for dad while splitting out stuff. She texted me when she got home to say she has my little baggie of Borax and little packet of Nutterbutters.

Ah well, been a long time since we did that and we’ll see each other again soon.

She’s excited I found a pair of the headphones like that ones I have so she can have a pair for herself and I’ve staked the little $1 flamingo in the yard to see how long it takes Jamie to notice.

Carrot is now mad at me because I won’t let him have onion rings.

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Did you know you can set off a paroxysmal seizure by putting $18 in coins in the self check machine at Walmart?

Yeah I didn’t know either until my eyes started crossing and I wanted to vomit so yay for that.

(It wasn’t intentional, I didn’t think I had that much change in my pocket, I just wanted to put enough in so I could break the $20 a client tipped me and have bus money left over)

#phone post #lol #whoops

I think my new favorite conspiracy theory is that now that the collider is shut down, SoBe is back on shelves.

I was talking to a vendor yesterday and he was asking about different energy drinks (cuz I had a mango loco on me) and I was like “man if you can find adrenaline rush that would be amazing” and yall, he knew what I was talking about. Like it was an active item.

The only 2 people I know who remembers this is Jamie (who obsessed over it) and our buddy Ashton.

#phone post #lol

foldingfittedsheets

It is So Boring in the mattress store for kids. It’s basically hell for children because there’s fuckall to do for them.

A couple I was helping earlier had two little ones, three and six, who were behaving in a rather saintly fashion for the average bored kid I see. I tried to engage them with remotes and things while their parents talked.

Eventually they were restless enough that I pulled out notepads and asked if they wanted to draw. The three year old quickly lost interest and I went over to ask her favorite animal. She told me “elephant” so to delight and amaze her I started drawing an elephant. Usually kids are into it.

When I was done she pronounced, “It looks like a giraffe.”

I staggered back melodramatically but actually laughing hysterically and said, “There goes my art degree!”

The parents laughed and said kids were harsh critics. When they checked out they saw my elephant doodle on the desk and both did a double take like, “Woah, that’s a really good elephant!”

“Yeah, I actually did go to art school, but it’s okay. My niece wasn’t very impressed with my drawings at that age either.”

foldingfittedsheets

Behold, a giraffe.

yesornopolls

Any plans for the weekend?

Yes

Voting ended onJul 13

#I am a simple goblin #I’m going to see my mom

officerhaughtstuff

You’ve heard of the Roaring 20s........

now get ready for the Screaming 20s - coming to a decade near you in 2020

heterokatedison

is it too early or can we start screaming now

heterokatedison

in retrospect perhaps we should have started sooner

jorolle

this post is the equivalent of a newspaper from the day of the outbreak being blown past by the wind after you wake up in a post apocalyptic world

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heavenpureheart

If you’re going to attempt to break into Jamie’s phone at least give us some good money.

We broke, fool. And while we are dorks, we are not all that interesting in meatspace.

His phone is Pinterest boards, puzzle games, and Pokémon.

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