Lonely Soul

Now I actually feel super motivated to make changes in my life 😌 I also think I wanna start dating again. I am tired of others opinions and having low self-esteem holding me back. Maybe I won't marry the guy but AT LEAST I get some sort of experience. I have only seriously dated one person in my life thus far and it has been almost 3 years since then lol.

There is a beautiful man pursuing me who I for some reason feel is sort of out of my league... WHY? Like I've already rejected him 3 times basically and for what? To continue thinking it is better to be alone until I fix all the things I think make me unworthy? By that time I'll be dead and gone because I am always a work in progress. It is so hard for me to trust people and I am constantly seeking validation from others on choices I just need to make for myself.

It is okay to FALL. I can get right back up and it'll be okay (even if it takes me a while). I always talk about being resilient but don't want to actually do things that will build resiliency because of my fear of failure. It is so counterintuitive 🤧 I honestly have to lighten up and recognize there are several billion other people who matter and have their own story. (This means they could care less what I do/say.) Once I stop centering myself I think I'll start feeling so much better.

Tomorrow I want to be braver and less worried about failure. My uncle just died and he lived a pretty unapologetic life. If there is anything I can take as a lesson from him it is not caring what others think. My life is so malleable but I keep acting like my fate is already decided and nothing I do will have an impact. I have the power within to change myself. My words and actions are super powerful. I am going to start making strides towards a better, happier me💓

Hello ppl,

It has been a LONG time since I wrote on here and honestly I am sad to be writing this post today but I need to process my emotions.

Background

It hasn't even been 2 hrs since I ended things with my FIRST EVER boyfriend of a little over 11 months. (Almost to the year mark🤧.) I am pretty sad but I'm also thankful because we FINALLY had a productive/honest conversation after 4 months of ups and downs. He was wanting us to just take break but I feel like I owed it to myself to end it officially because we both knew the problems we had would take much longer than a few weeks and maybe even months to resolve.

I love that man to the deepest depths of my soul. I have actually NEVER been in love before until I met him...so it's hard. Like it is REALLY FREAKING HARD. However, I know if I called and begged to get back now, we would be dealing with the same problems.

We both need time to grow on our own before a relationship could ever work between us. I'm literally devastated esp because it's the day before his birthday but I knew we were leading up to this. I am so grateful how well he handled it and I think we will still be great friends. Work has to happen before more than that is possible.

God I pray I can get through this and back on my self-improvement journey.

Letter to Him

T, you really were the best first boyfriend a girl could have and I more than blessed to have had you in my life. It isn't going to be easy adjusting to your absence but I'm going to be strong. I want us both to reach our full potentials and not settle for how we were after the first few months of our relationship.

Hello ppl,

I dont want to say the infamous l word yet but tbh I'm certainly more than infatuated with my boyfriend and it is getting serious. Like I'm even imagining a future with him...is this okay? I legit didn't think I'd meet a guy this great right off the bat.

Now this man is a SWEETHEART and he loves to please me. He will cook, clean, or even watch my Asian dramas that he has literally no interest in at all. He also is so helpful and willing to listen to me. We also click so well morally and challenge each other's views without having a shooting match. (The maturity is UNREAL.) I really do want to see where this leads.

However, since we have legit been dating a little over a month, I don't want to jinx it. I also think more time to assess this situation would be a wise decision. I really do want to feel things out before I take things up to another level intimately as well.

This is my first boyfriend and while I've kissed a few other people I've never hooked up or done anything more. I am a noob when it comes to this and legit I don't want to lose my "purity" for a guy that won't cherish me.

Uh BTW It Isn’t Who I Went on My First Date With

So this boy is someone who I have been talking to since January 2020 (a longgg time lol). I basically kept him on the friend zone for several reasons. The main three being he gave off the vibes of a Trump supporter, seemed a bit baby-ish (he is a few months younger), and he is a cisgender white male. 

Due to COVID-19, I was forced to move home for five months. However we kept things going with a snapchat streak. Now I pretty much deterred any feelings by convincing myself that I should not date a white boy especially during the height of the BLM movement. I was torn but did feel like I should at least go on a date with him since I went on my first date with the other guy. 

Now let me say that I romanticized the heck out of the other boy I was talking to when really he was not as interested in me as I thought. Pretty sure he was looking to hook up (also he was not a good kisser lol), but I stopped my negative thinking and just decided to keep double texting despite the signs. Once I went on the second date with this white boy, I was basically convinced he was a worth considering (i.e. not racist, problematic, or a Trump supporter).

How I Caught Feelings

Now, let me say this boy is definitely not what I would consider the normal guy I would go for. Look wise I was never into beards (or hairiness in general), simple style, or younger men. Personality wise he and I match a lot and we also share many of the same morals. On the other hand, our interests and hobbies are way different too. Honestly though, we both have an interest in learning about each other and are willing to meet in the middle and try new things.

What really made me fall for him I would say is the conversations we had. We talked about extremely heavy topics from the get-go because neither of us was really trying to waste our time. I even friendzoned this man after the first date, but he still admitted he liked me (a trooper haha). I genuinely needed answers as to who he voted for and what his political views were before I could even consider moving things forward. After getting to know him and his goals, I started to understand he was not as “baby” as I thought and really was a responsible, but still struggling, adult like me.  Also, we just really vibed.

When people who knew about my feelings for the other guy ask about how I got a boyfriend so quickly, my response is really that my assumptions about him were ALL wrong haha. Plus, this man showed his interest and effort from the get-go. I never felt unsure of his emotions and he often would make confessions to difficult questions before I even got a chance to ask. He was and is genuine in our conversations and in the relationship. We both have been vulnerable and are making the effort to consider each others’ emotions and perspectives.

Lastly, this man may not be other people’s cup of tea, but boy is he cute haha. I love his smile and the sparkle in his eyes every time he looks at me. Legit, I have never enjoyed staring at someone so much (yes, I have a problem). He does have a pretty simple sense of fashion (it doesn’t matter too much) but I could always buy him clothes that suit mine and his taste (not trying to be controlling haha). 

I See This Going Places

Have I found the one? Honestly I can’t say however I do know that we have already had some of the talks that could truly be deal breakers for relationships and he also is just a SIMP, but in the best way possible. Due to a car accident on my way to see him and the roads being slippery, I ended up spending the holidays at his parents house. I ended up making a good impression, so I definitely see things going well in that regard. I might need to give my rents and extended family more time, but I must say that he is a good man who I think they’ll like. 

Overall, I am so thankful that this wonderful, respectful, and loving man has entered into my life. I want to avoid a horrible breakup and to continue getting to know him. I am hoping for the best and have a very positive feeling about this relationship. No red flags so far. 

Sincerely,

This is a short rant about how my guy friend felt comfortable enough to share his explicit sex stories and try to convince me to have sex (not with him lol) but he knows I have no interest at all in hearing about it. 

Yesterday he was at my place till like 4am and he couldn’t stop talking about his gf (she also has the same name as me which is weird). He basically was telling me how much they vibe, but that she was horrible at s*cking his weewee. Also how he may have improperly worn his condom (since his thing was too big apparently) and potentially impregnated the girl. He probably was overreacting on the latter part but oof (WHY TELL ME?). 

Another thing that kinda bothers me was how he definitely watches porn and is hypersexual. I opened up about being borderline ace and he was like “wym?” Boy!! I just don’t have interest in sex nor do I lust after random guys. I don’t get the obsession with it and I am more reinforced now after talking to an addict (aka him).

Okay y'all the man I went on the first date with is just too sweet. Honestly too sweet.

We hung out again last night and it was so chill. He also wanted to study and he actually did. Normally boys say that and try to pull something. Later we ate and talked about SO MANY different things. I like that we can pretty much talk about whatever.

We ended up watching a movie after the meal and it was so nice to just chill, cuddle, and him not do too much for me to handle. Man really respected my boundaries and I said no on multiple occasions and it was okay. He also was never too touchy.

Eventually things did get a bit more intimate and we kissed but sir stopped when it got too much for me. I expected some type of pushback but honestly he was alright with it. Also, he definitely wants to meet again.

Wow. I finally decided to get past the anxiety and fear that comes with meeting people online and actually went out with someone!! It went better than expected and also NO, I did not meet them on the infamous T*nder.

The Boy

His name is unique to me but pretty typical from his country. Long hair and a well-groomed beard make the man. I liked his voice and facial expressions a lot. No creepy vibes and honestly super open to a lot.

Location

We met at a local Mexican restaurant that had a good selection for the area. We met up because ,of course, the virus and got a decently sized table. I had been there once before and knew that they often used Spanish, but who knew I'd get to flex my skills so early ;) (It was also cute bc our waiter kept trying to teach him Spanish.)

Dinner Talk

So the conversation was great and the guy seemed to be a genius. Grad student, well-spoken, and presented himself as a true gentleman. I felt heard and he seemed curious to know more about me. He also was okay when I asked to take things slow.

Next Steps

We made plans to meet this week but I've been left on read for over 24hrs. I also decided to double text since really I have nothing to lose. (Put it on silence so I don't get too sad.)

Current Emotions

After one date, I can't say I'm smitten but ofc I am interested enough to do something again. I hope we are able to meet again because the vibes were GREAT 🥲😭 It's not everyday I can connect with someone like that. Also, I wasn't really about touchy stuff before but maybe a hand hold or peck would be appropriate this time around 🤧

Let me say right now if my semester continues like this pre-class activity has been...I don't want it.

Firstly, any people who are flakey (basically all of my friends) are going to single-handedly make my semester trash unless I either get accustomed to being alone and doing nothing in my room or find people who actually want to do things.

I know we have a whole pandemic going on. HENCE, why I wanted to hang out with with the people I ALREADY knew. I wasn't trying to start over from scratch but now I guess it is inevitable. Through tbh I have a feeling I'll end up being alone.

Praying so fiercely that my semester is enjoyable and I can actually do the things I WANT to do. Constantly, I compromise or am selfish about things I really don't want that much.

At this point I need to stop commenting on things I am not 100% on bc that's how my feelings get hurt and other people do too.

I have LEGIT been so ignorant despite all of the knowledge I have gained in recent months. I must learn to LISTEN before I speak/try to justify things. I know God is trying to teach me patience but man it is hard to be in the moment lesrning like this.

Like I know things will eventually get better but also I need to be better. Also maybe cancel culture is super problematic bc people spread so much false info. If it is legit, cancel them but leave 'em alone if not.

I must do better to filter out bad sources of info. Esp when legit certain people are know to hold a certain belief. If I know they are negative in nature, WHY DO I EXPECT A POSITIVE RESPONSE???

In closing, I get my feelings hurt too easily when I am not 100% on things and sometimes I need to sit back and listen before I start gabbing.

(I mean like 10+ years from now lol)

Soooo I have BEEN knowing that the United States is not the best place for folks of color however I truly believe that it might be better to leave it someday or just stick it out for future generations to have better lives.

I am torn. I know I have something that is PULLING me towards being and living abroad for a portion of my life but maybe I should stay there forever. I have always loved the idea of being in a place where I feel welcome and FREE. I have a lot of family and friends here but still...it isn’t the same KNOWING that you LACK PRIVILEGE. I genuinely am living in a struggle everyday and am discontent with the treatment from peers, superiors, and randos who think they can treat me like I am a lesser being when we all suffer from the human condition.

All in all, I LOVE my country not because of its history as a whole but really because there are some amazing human beings who have made it a place where I can call home. They FOUGHT for me to be enjoying what I enjoy today and I have to be grateful. It isn’t my fault to be born in these circumstances but I definitely do need to find a way to help my home folks if I do end up dipping.

Hello all.

Today I just wanted to write a post about something I have been noticing since the COVID-19 riots in the USA have been picking up and I have a few qualms with some of the things I have been seeing being said online.

Bias Incidents Against Asians 

I have been deeply saddened by all of the things happening to Asian people across the world and especially things occurring in my own country. There is still a lot of ignorance among Americans when it comes to Asian people and a lot of racism is normalized towards this group of people. I HATE THIS. I also think so many people’s true colors are being shown throughout this pandemic

The Shift to Black People

Black people have also done some things against Asian people which is terrible and I do not want to defend those actions at all. In fact, ANY instance of bias NEEDS to be addressed. However, I feel it also needs to be mentioned that anti-blackness has ALWAYS been a thing and though people want to think that POC cannot be racist against each other that is FAR from the truth. 

I grew up in a town where Mexican people used the n-word on a DAILY basis and I had to just take it unless I wanted to fight everyone in the school including the numerous other black people who allowed it and encouraged it to happen. A fair share of white kids did the same and also would engage in microaggressions towards my race. I know many people were just ignorant but again it does not excuse their comments. 

Now Asian people have long been considered the “model minority” which often makes Latinx and black folks isolate themselves from Asian people. Asian kids tend to have good test scores and are the only minority not underrepresented in the workplace especially when you look at the small proportion of the population they make up. While this only adds fuel to fire of hatred other minorities may harbor for this community, it also sometimes pushes Asians to try to side with their white counterparts and find acceptance there. 

Not every Asian person is like this, though many do exist in our society. Additionally, many people from Asian countries have likely not encountered many people of Latinx or black descent, so they can be just as ignorant as white people. Sometimes their only perception of these communities stems from media which more than not puts blacks and latinos in a HORRIBLE light.

As a black woman with a good amount of Asian friends, I have been told on multiple occasions how Desi people used the n-word daily in their high schools, many East Asian parents have told their kids not to associate with black kids because they are criminals, and some think that blacks are the inferior race. 

With the recent MURDERS of Amaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor who were unarmed and brutally hunted like animals, I feel like this should be a wake up call for many who still think racism is not a big issue. I also feel like these crimes make other minorities scared to speak up and be aside from white folks because they do not want to end up like us. Though this only makes it harder for black people.

Foreigners Blaming USA

Another thing that has been PISSING ME OFF, is HOW these white supremacist rioters in our country are being blamed for inciting similar protests in other countries. While this could definitely plausible, I desperately NEED for there to be a distinction in who foreigners want to refer to. Saying “Americans” to refer to a group of white supremacists is a bit much in my opinion. And I, being a black woman in the US, take offense to this statement.

I really don’t get it. WHY must I always be caught up thinking about what people think about me? This quarantine life FREAKING sucks. I mean I really have not had good mental health since week 1 and we are pushing week 5 or 6 now.

No idea what is making me so sensitive. I really am going through it. I do not know how to cope and I really need to find a way to overcome this sadness. I feel so lonely everyday and I have no desire to do anything besides lay in bed.

My friends make me question every interaction we have ever had because they randomly start ghosting me. I assume I have done something wrong, but I do not know what I did...this is TORTURE. There is also the possibility that they just did not want to reply to me right now...but why are they still online. I hate this.

I hate guessing. I hate not knowing, but I am also fearful of the truth. The reality can always be far worse. However, that is what life is about. Learning from mistakes and overcoming challenges. At least that’s what it seems like. 

I also am just so doubtful about everything that I should be doing. I know I need to live for myself but I KEEP seeking validation from other humans.....what is wrong with me? I want to be okay again soon. 

I going to just leave this here today.

Yeah so I am just taking this L and being done with it. Lol

Throughout this quarantine I have been sad, depressed, and SCARED honestly for what is to come. After a lot of prayer and reading the Bible, I FINALLY feel better. However, these people saying and doing stuff that just makes me slump right back into a funk.

For one thing, I knew people were unreliable but dang sis don't reply and say "ill call you back," if you ain't gonna call back! Also, when you say something and I reply at least READ IT. I see you online and you even have the nerve to send something else in the chat without acknowledging what I'm saying.

I know that I need to pick my friends more wisely because while I do have some due to distance and interests I can't be around them 24/7 :( I need to start taking care of ME before I really get sad. People will always fail and disappoint you. I know this but I still keep trusting... BRUH

I genuinely think there are people who I have let into my life that would not even shed a tear should I pass away tomorrow. Any person I get that vibe from...I'm done. I have met people for literally only a few hours who I think care more about my well-being than some I've know a few years.

That ain't it chief. I know this approach to friends is going to require me to assume some things about people but if I genuinely don't start protecting my heart from those who will trample all over it...I'm just DUMB. I refuse to be an idiot and continue to give people energy and time who could care less about me.

It is sad and I can't do it anymore :)

I am writing this as a note to self to GET OVER the stuff that happened last semester that is still weighing on me. I am overanalyzing the thing I said to people. I am trying to rationalize my actions and ways of thinking about people. However, what's done is done.

I may not have said the best things at times, but nor did others. Not everyone treated me the way I liked and sometimes people said things that rubbed me the wrong way. People also did things that were inconsiderate. I tend to hold myself to a standard stricter than I would others (as if I need to be better/nicer than them) when I really should just be honest about how I feel.

The stuff people said was offensive and problematic. I didn't check them. I was excluded from things and I didn't speak up when I felt that way. I also did try to juggle a lot of friends at a time which may not have been the best. I also trusted people too easily and they told others what I said which damaged the relationship with them.

I have learned from it and I may never see some of those people again (though I hope I can). We are on good terms now, so let's keep it that way and just move forward from here. However, I also need to stop trying to keep the relationship going when others don't reciprocate the energy I am putting in.

I learned a LOT. Now it is time to move on and give people who deserve my love some attention.

Sincerely,

I have literally been locked in my room mostly for this quarantine and I really need to STOP STRESSING over classes and PEOPLE.

I was in my Korean class for a zoom and end up getting placed in the group with a Korean guy who legit was my FRIEND but we really didnt get a chance to link up this semester and I have always kinda gotten weird vibes from. (Not in a bad way, just in he probably doesn't think of me in a friend way.)

I really need get over making mistakes in Korean but I was honestly a bit embarrassed. I am just glad I finished all my homework in the course but oof it always feels uncomfy to mess up in front of ppl who know you.

Also, in GENERAL I need to stop trying to engage with those who do not reciprocate the effort (that guy being one). I will eventually learn to not seek out relationships with others when I/they can't make time for each other. I will learn and I always have a MIGHTY God to lean on.

Lastly, I feel better just writing this out and I think I'll continue to do so :) Thanks for readin'

Hello people

I got rejected. I guess you probably already knew by the title, but yeah...I am still a little sad. 

I decided to run for my campus’ homecoming though I really did not expect to be selected. I was also not planning on running until family members and friends egged me on. I felt like I had a good application and I also have done A LOT on campus. However, I was not what they were looking for.

The one question I answered the least (why I wanted to join the court) was the one I probably should I have put more thought to. But honestly what else could I say when I really had no reason besides others encouraging me to do it.

Nonetheless, my ego is a little hurt and my friend who coaxed me to do it is going to be on there next year. She even wants me to be her GUEST at the banquet. I am happy to support her but I am a bit disappointed that I did not get to stand alongside her. I always feel a little twinge in my heart every time she mentions it.

Lastly, I really know I need to be thankful all of the WONDERFUL things that God had done for me. Also, I NEED to be rejected sometimes because it makes a stronger person. Plus, I know there are bigger and better things in store for me. This was just an opportunity I was not meant to have.