Stars Sun and Life

Let's go through all the compliments I've gotten recently and see how fucking wrong they are.  

You're most likely one of the prettiest and classiest girl ever. 

You're beautiful, pretty, sexy, a babe, etc. 

You're so funny.

You're brilliant!

The best thing that's ever happened to me.

You're nothing like your family, and it's good that you were born at the end so you didn't have to deal with all that. 

You've never met me, that was from what you saw on the outside, most likely when I was with Justin none the less. I swear like a goddamn sailor, the only class I have is how I hold my fork, know how to set a table, how to walk in heels, and how to appropriately ask a guy to waltz with me. (Which in all honesty shows more guts than class and it's socially inappropriate for the woman to be the dominate one and make the first more so ha!)

Now it's my body. I really don't have that huge of a problem with my body. My self esteem is fairly high on that, just not so much my self image, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. What nobody realizes is that I practically sold my soul to get Justin back in my life. yes i fucking know that's probably the unhealthiest thing ever that i could barely get up every morning without him and i've tried to fix that i really have but i can't and that isn't entirely my fault that i'm this way.  I just feel like I'm not ever going to be the same always, the same he fell for, well obviously shut up it made sense before I wrote it. I can't keep my long nails, hell I can barely grow them out before I want to rip them off along with my hands. I really can't grow my hair out, but I have to if I want to dance and I really do and it'll be great and then I can finally put it up but I can't on just a regular basis, because he loves playing with my hair. I mean he'd put it up for me, which doesn't help my laziness factor but currently I can barely get it into a pony tail, barely curl it, and barely put it in cute styles. In all honesty I think I look great with curly hair or my hair up because it frames my face and draws the attention away from my huge lips and lopsided eyes which I tend to frame for the color of them. That's just my hair, nothing fits me. The pants that kinda do break on me. The fucking welded button broke apart, and then the legs don't fit and neither does the crotch and I can't find a shirt that fits my 22 inch ribcage with my 34 inch bust. Oh and the few that I did are plaid and really don't show off my figure like I want. My feet however are wide dancers feet, so to find shoes that don't make me want to kill myself is really hard. Not to mention I love heels because they're comfortable for me if they're the right height (yeah like I'll ever find that height) I'm the taller than all my friends and no longer have to stand on my tip toes to hug people, which I really like. I love my height and how tiny I am, and I love to embellish that, but I can't if I wear heels, which is possibly the only thing that supports my arches. When I try to wear boots with inserts or something they almost always squeeze my calf because once again, I'm a dancer, and genetically have really nice big healthy calves. So that doesn't help with pants either, neither does my height. So I'm stuck wearing form fitting dresses that I can twirl in which is great don't get me wrong and converse. Since they're the only shoe that will fit me and I can wear inserts in without it being weird, also they can look good and show off my fandoms. I also love to wear makeup, why not embellish my face and make me feel better? But it never stays on, I've tried everything, and then the ones that do stay on make me breakout like no tomorrow. Which helps nothing. Oh also no bra fits me and I lost my sports bra so I'm stuck with back problems and bras that fall off and I have to adjust every three seconds. (Also stores don't sell bras that would ever fit me so I'm stuck) 

Funny? Me? Seriously? Do you realize what I love? I love ASOIAF, I love DW, SPN, Sherlock, TBBT, Hannibal, Alice, The Tenth Kingdom. Have you seen these? They're fucking messed the hell up. Mind you I connect with Sam on SPN and a whole lot of characters in those shows and then just find science jokes funny, which is why I love Star Trek (but oh everyone takes that to a whole new level fucking twats) My humour comes from my shows and books. I think 'Found another grey one!!' is hilarious. I think 'That may require me to be sociable.' is more so. 'Today is Tuesday, but yesterday was Tuesday too! Do you realize how crazy you sound right now? I know dingo ate my baby crazy.' 'Lucifer, you're my brother and I love you, but you're a great big bag of dicks.' "How do you get from point A to point C without crossing point B? You make a b-line!!" I think that last one is the funniest joke I've ever heard/made. Also my installments of "You know who else is dead?" or Do you know what makes blank cry?" You cannot possibly think I'm funny from that, however I'm waaaaaay too inappropriate, and maybe that's funny. 

I only have a big vocabulary because I can't think of any unused adjectives to describe your perfectness!!! So I use a thesaurus. Sometimes I read a dictionary, just like Tiffany Aching, because I'm bored shitless. Or I use words I find in ASOIAF. I use theories from my shows to talk to people about as if they were real. I love plasma and the cosmos, so I'll research them. Yes, I want to be an astrophysicist! But if you asked me two years ago I would have said I wanted to be a fashion designer and you wouldn't have thought I was brilliant. I like the universe because you can look up and wonder what's out there but nothing will ever wonder why you exist! Okay?!? Got it buddy? I want to be invisible!! I was for the longest time up until you hit on me in a lunch room! I'm not good at math, even if I want to be, I'm obsessed with circles. I may have been in two geography bees and gotten second place in both but I have no fucking idea what's happening in anywhere besides Senegal, Rwanda and Uganda. Hell, I only know what's happening in other places besides that because of tumblr. I don't even know who my senator is or how long it take to get to Vegas from here, or how long the grand canyon is. I don't know how high the mountain right fucking next to me is, hell I'm never been on it more than I am right now.

Oh honey... A year ago I was the worst thing that ever happened to you. I get that I help you sleep, and you don't have to deal with girls and their drama and you can focus on schooling more, and that I make you happy, I pleasure you, you trust me to tell me anything, I motivate you. But remember, I also made you want to kill me and yourself, you couldn't trust me with anything because I lied consistently, I couldn't pleasure you because I was/am scared of you and myself. Whenever you would look at me you would be filled with disgust, not delight like you are now. The only thing that changed is your ego went down enough and my need for you in my life skyrocketed that I let my walls down completely, so much so that I ended up crying as I walked to choir after I apologized to you. 

I'm only a lesser version of my fucked up family and you know it.

I have zero self discipline, I'm lazy, inappropriate, stubborn and annoying. Even if you tell me different I know myself better than you do, I have to live with it. 

I'm a freshman.

I'm fourteen.

Now mind you I've been at that high school for three years. 

Oh, but seeing Austin for the first time in months, my didn't stop or flutter like it normally did around him. I'm not in love with him anymore, and that's great. But oh, did I get excited, I was so happy to see him I attacked him and straddled him while realizing, that was not the smart thing to do.

I mean seriously.

They aren't nightmares, they aren't about rape. 

I really really want to sleep with him.

Not have sex, although that would be nice too since it's been a while.

But actually sleep with him. We're both really restless sleepers and we sleep really really well when we're together. We just can't, not just because school's starting up again tomorrow, but because and mostly because of our parents. We live on opposite sides of a city, but we still manage to see each other often enough we don't go insane.