I'm Just Reckless With Myself.

Mentally healthy children don't master the art of a silent break down

Some parents will never forgive you for how they failed you

being the glass child means seeing your parents and your sibling interact and remembering you will never get to experience the same treatment or the same love

Do you ever just cry in frustration because you feel there's something wrong with you no matter how much you try to fix it?

When sleep becomes the only thing you crave in every waking hour of your day, that’s when you know something’s deeply wrong.

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever enjoy being alive

i’m very self aware. which unfortunately hasn’t solved anything

This tumblr is the only place I can be 100% honest. I legit don't want to do this anymore. All the small happy things , like sunshine, and coffee etc don't add up enough. There's a myriad number of things to appreciate in the world, but add them all up they still don't outweigh this pain. I lie to my therapist and anyone in any authority that I don't have a plan. Don't wanna get sent to grippy sock jail. But I do. And its a good one. With humor and cricket song and moonlight. I'm very good at research and science. It wont miss. Maybe thats why I haven't done it yet. Theres still a seed of maybe inside me. That little glimmer of " ya never know". I have to be alive for that. But I'm in so much pain, and I'm exhausted. I do all the reccomendations: make new friends, focus on myself, follow my hobbies, keep busy, commune with nature, exercise, get on the right meds, change your diet, give yourself permission to feel your feelings, cry, scream, punch a pillow, join a club.......on and on. Its all empty. Im just going through the motions. Hoping something will help . But nothing does. Its too big and the fires gone out of me. I have nothing left to fight for. How long do I wait for you to wake up? How long do I stay in this torturous plane of existence before throwing in the towel. I tried to twist it and stay for you. In case you needed me. In case someday you needed your best friend. But you wounded me so bad, I cant suffer an unknown amount of torture for you. Not anymore. I tried to think how it would hurt you and you would blame yourself. But i dont even know if thats true anymore. You threw me away like trash. Why would i assume you value me now? But if you do and you blame yourself i fear it would ruin you. I cant hurt you like that. So i stay trapped in a constant cycle of pain and anguish. Nothing helps me except drugs im not suppose to take. And even that never lasts long enough. Can I please be done now? I've been doing this for so long.

I just want to disappear from everything and everyone. I'm a failure of a productive functional adult. I'm sorry. I really can't do this anymore.

the thread I've been hanging on by looks more like a noose every day

"But you survived!" And that's the damn problem.

It's all fun and games until I kill myself.