birds are dicks

me, hot glueing little handlebar mustaches to my nipples: Are My Nipples Legal Yet

staff really said “female-presenting nipples” to try and sound woke huh…

My nipples wear dresses and false eyelashes so they’re going to be flagged :/

Apparently you can’t get your rocks off on Tumblr anymore. 

i am contractually obligated to congratulate you on this reply

as compensation all NSFW blogs will get an extra hour in the ball pit 

it’s ninety-nine degrees outside, four fuck-thousand percent humidity, and my husband was like, “i’m gonna go for a bike ride.” and i was like “why. no. why. don’t put us on the news like that. local fool collapses on unnecessary journey. don’t do it.” so he says he doesn’t want to “hide in the house” because the sun is shining. bruh. honeybruh. “the sun is shining” does not cover it. its hot outside. its motherfucking hot as fuck outside. our outdoor plants have been crying into their hands all week. whole cars are melting into the sewer. our fucking patio umbrella developed sentience to ask me for lemonade this morning

@robotmango, you need to work for the weather forecast - this was both hilarious and so vivid it made me stand up and get some iced tea.

this is a great idea, thank you. here goes. my audition tape for the weather channel. dearly beloved. we are gathered here today to have a fucking funeral for the outdoors. it had a good run, with all its creeks and clouds and shit. pretty great. now it’s ten-thirty at night but still ninety-two asshole-sweating degrees and humid as fuck. everything is hot and slimy, like being a “borrower” that got trapped inside a bottle of shampoo and then accidentally microwaved. you can see on my doppler radar that nothing is moving around out there because everything is probably dead. the only alive thing is the mosquito currently trying to drill a hole in my leg. no surprise that all the shitbag mosquitos are fine, since the thermostat of hell is always at the devil’s preferred temperature. this forecast has gotten away from me a little, but in conclusion fuck the sun

this, this is the best thing

M A J E S T I C

@allbirdsmustdie lmao

I JUST FOUND THIS BECAUSE I AM BAD AT TUMBLR. 

do kids these days know about glomping?

What is that?

What the fuck?

The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost; for none now live who remember it.

@allbirdsmustdie

You must glomp one another, children. It’s good for your SOULS. 

Tony’s face in this moment was just precious. The entire scene is precious, but Tony especially so.