I wake up everyday to misery.
My parents are both miserable people to live with. They always fight, first thing in the morning. They would shout at each other like forever. And then they'd go silent and laugh for a while. And then they would fight again - continuous shouting, reminiscing the past, pointing fingers, playing God. Both will stop at being pointless, helpless, depressed.
Everybody moves on to a next day as if nothing happened.
Sometimes, they'll play house. You'll see both parents being so caring about the members of the family - they'll cook, clean the house, change the beddings, wash the clothes, wash the dishes, fold the clothes, watch TV together, laugh at each others jokes, talk about chilhood, adulthood, how life has been, more storytelling... realizations, sharing of thoughts, planning, dreaming...
And then the day went by so fast, another day approaches. The cycle has changed. Another loud noise can be heard.
This is the cycle. For 28 years, life has been like this. Mind you, it just gets worse because I cannot fulfill my duties as a daughter. I am of no use. Life has been like this, continuous, if willed.
I may be lucky enough to have someone to talk to. If not, most days might have been dark days or I may not be able to get away from it completely. I can only imagine myself dying at a young age.
The responsibility that was given to me years ago is such a big and heavy one. Nobody informed me that this is going to be so self-destructive. [I suppose so since I am self-destructing in the process. Though I don't want that to happen, shit just happened.]
I look at myself as a strong and confident person to receive the role but as time went by, I am tested - my entire self is being continuously tested, my personal self has been breached and I feel hopeless about this, it was like I cannot go through to it. The stupidity of the design makes my situation even worse. There are so many loopholes, I cannot deal with everything at the same time.
Honestly speaking, I cannot fathom how rigid this plan is that I cannot do things, control things, or even manage them from falling apart - except the fact that I still have a decent job, I still have my family members (except one), I still have my boyfriend who keeps me sane and on track. I guess I can still put my hands there but God's been guiding me all along.
I am the kind of person who puts others first before myself - other's happiness, other's needs, other's means. I never disagreed with anyone, unless it is a confidential conversation.
I am the kind of person who doesn't want any conflict with anybody. That's exactly why I please everyone with the things they wanted from me - my ideas, my designs, my style, and most recently [this gave me an anger shock] my words.
How can life be this cruel to me?
I never asked for anything but I think what I have keeps falling apart.
I actually prayed for all of my stuff to stay as they were, or at least keep from being robbed by some mischievous people around me, but shit happens all the fucking time.
My ideas, robbed; my words [my fucking words], robbed before my very eyes; my stuff, breached at some point... all because I have this miserable situation and every fucking one is preying on me. I hate this. I hate being used by people because I am in misery or I am held hostage to do so. People are so fucking manipulative that they want even what little that's left in me. Fucking people.
And so, I made myself believe that I am loved after all of this abuse. Fucking people.
I keep myself grounded and awake while all of these animals are taking things from me.
I know for sure that God is watching and they will get to taste their medicines some other time.
For now, I shall bow down to misery since it's all on me. God forbid even worse things from happening. Please.
Let me rest my tired head so when I wake up the next morning, I can feel my vibe coming back at my system.
All hail the miserable ones, they're the most fortunate.
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