being single sucks [remembers that romantic love isnt the gleaming beacon of salvation that will fix the chasm within me] #mychasm #isupportmychasm [remembers not to trivialize my emotions] but it is painful to never have been deemed worthy of that kind of lasting love [remembers how many incels there are] but honestly you should be totally self-sufficient and never want anything ever [remembers that im evil] im evil

I ask spongebob what grilling krabby patties feels like and he says not everything feels like something else

I shall prepare a stew for the wedding! Extra salt!

wait wait wait stew goblin wait

(smugly) actually all narration is unreliable because language can only ever communicate through approximation

it’s bullshit that being under this much stress has yet to awaken my latent psychic abilities

eating would be fine if it was only a recreational activity. instead, its a horrible sisiphean nightmare and you need to do it every day without fail on threat of pain and death

my corner store guy is a 50 year old man who's my best friend in the world and recently he was like "you're too pretty to be single I have some nephews you should meet. very handsome!" and I was like "a niece might be more up my alley" and he just got more excited and said "ah even better! I was overselling my nephews but my nieces are very beautiful"

could you lie

youve been blinded by your disgusting quest for a chill time with 2-4 good friends

i think junie b jones would kill greg heffley in a fight

She's like 6 years old, Greg's at least 12, maybe 13. She's ornery for sure, but he's wily. He could take her, easy

she would bite his jugular like a feral dog and he would die