1899

I need to take this off my chest. I don't want this to feel like I am releasing a notes app statement (who the fuck do I think I am), it's more of a diary entry, but public. I haven't been very active posting here but I'm always lurking and liking posts. I've been feeling extremely disappointed the past two days since I learnt that Alexia (and Pedri and Ferran) was working with that company. I know that now they have removed everything from their webpage and social media, but it still does not sit right with me, even if she wasn't well aware. It's hard not that think that she was not, it's also hard to shallow that she is or has become careless enough to not care about who she sponsors. I am well aware she sponsors other companies that are also somewhat related to the IDF, but so does pretty much every footballer on the planet, given Nike, Adidas and Puma have their skeletons in the closet, but this felt very different. I can't shake this feeling and I don't know if I'll be able to support her like I did. I know this sounds ridiculously dramatic for something that does not impact me directly, that has 0 impact irl really, but Alexia (and FC Barcelona Femení) was one of the reasons I feel in love with football again (as well as Pedri which makes this even more disappointing, but I don't expect that much from men). I feel disenchanted again, not with the sport, which is beautiful, but with everything that surrounds it. I can't even get past the fact that the club that I support and that is able to influence my mood so much has a president that has/had ties with this people and alledgely even helped funding the business, as well as having clear ties with Israel in general. At least, as it is fan-owned, nothing is forever. In some other regards I really like Laporta's presidency, but everything feels very grim again now. In a way it is my fault for, even though I'm getting older and older and I should know better, relating and projecting too hard my own values and aspirations on people I don't personally know of, only their public personas. I have always been a fan of something in a hardcore way and it's hard to conceptualize a life and my identity without being a fan of something. I guess I try to fill a void of something missing in my life but I don't know yet what it is. They say when you admire someone is for aspirational reasona and because you feel a certain degree of affinity. As I said, I know I know know the public persona of this people, but Alexia was easy to admire. She seems resilient, determined, a great leader, and above all, I thought a good person. That is based on morals so I guess she might still be, grey exists. I'm not perfect and have plenty of flaws and different people would judge me differently, even if I strive to be a good person. But yeah, right now, I just feel disappointed and sad. I don't feel angry, I don't think this will never get that reaction from me as I feel a certain amount of gratidute towards Pedri and especially Alexia. I'll still watch the matches and enjoy their talent, this spoet is like a fucking drug to me. I don't know if I'll buy another kit with their names on though. I guess in the grand scheme of things there's also worse than this. People can overlook rapists if they are talented kicking a ball. I should say though, mostly cis straight men. I don't know how they can do that, I'm having a huge mental breakdown over this. Does it make me a bad person if I keep being their fan? Football, as an industry, is extremely rotten, filled with sportswashing from all fronts, questionable owners, and led by organizations that generally act like a mafia, including the biggest governing body. Am I too socially aware to enjoy it properly? I probably would be happier liking something else. I don't think I can. In the meantime I'm going to try to deal with my parasocial breakup as I would do with a real one. And getting other hobbies in general should help with everything I said. See ya and it's been a pleasure.