Alexandra

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Living with an addict is like living in a war zone if you step in the wrong place, you might set off a bomb.

I live my life on a cliff, I feel like I can only go backwards, Never forwards again. If I jump, I jump into oblivion. I’ve lived here for a while, Watching the seasons change, and people jump off the cliff, but I haven’t, I’m still here. I can’t leave my cliff. What if below me there is a lush green valley? Could I be happy there? What if below me there is a scorching hot desert? Would I die there? So many questions flood my head daily, all I know for sure is, I am really getting sick of this cliff.

Just the thought of you makes my chest feel as if it is being ripped open. Seeing you that afternoon was like being completely submerged in ice water. I didn’t know how to explain our situation to my friends, nor did I want to relive our time together.

I’m sorry I’m sorry things ended without an explanation, I’m sure you spent months wracking your brain, trying to figure out why I left, Especially after spending nearly every day together that summer. I’m sorry I was not able help you, To drown in your misery along side you. You always said that you didn’t know how I was able to deal with you, and all of the drama that accompanied you, and the truth is I couldn’t. It drained me to be around you, And while we are being honest, You took more in this relationship than you gave, And I suppose some of that is my fault, I didn’t expect much from you, Not nearly as much as I should have, I saw you as weak, as variable, And maybe you were, But I was dealing with a lot too, Not that you noticed, Not that you tried to help. I have always tried to fix the broken, Because there is something inside of me I can’t fix, And I am getting worse the longer I am around you.

I was told to “stop trying to drag people to the top with me” That the mountain I had to climb would be too high up for most people to breathe, That their lungs would collapse under the pressure, But I still tried to pull you to the top, I guess that was selfish, I guess I was scared, of what it would mean to have to walk to the summit by myself, I was scared to be lonely, To look before me and see all that I have accomplished, But to look next to me and see no one. I guess I hoped that you were similar enough to me that you would learn to breathe at the top, I suppose that was naïve, You had your own mountain to climb.

I related to all of your relationship and trying to move on poems. Broke up with my first love 7 months ago and are in a new relationship for about 2 months. I still think about my ex everyday and question everything, It was a very toxic relationship but we were in love. His tumblr shows that he feels the same and hasn’t emotionally moved on. I don’t know what to do because I like my current boyfriend a lot and don’t want to hurt him. Please give me so advice.

I fell out of love with life, thats why I stopped writing.

I just want to burn everything down and start over.