/ i'm al /

i once thought you were a stubbed toe, a paper cut, or the small ache at the bottom of my spine. great pain, i once thought you were an annoying headache, or a burn from my hair straightener. and as time passed, i learned that you were none of those misfortunes. oh, great pain, you are so much more. great pain, you make me scream bloody murder. you cause my back to arch, you bring tears to my eyes, and my hands and knees to the earth. you last longer than 60 seconds, you last longer than a day. oh, great pain, you've held my hand for far too long. we've become close friends, haven't we? you seem to really want to get to know me. i was scared of you at first, did you know that? great pain, you are like the strict teacher i had in high school. you are the one i have hated. it's funny though, because just like that strict teacher, you have taught me the most. you, unlike anyone i've known before, have shown me my strength. you've shown my resilience and my patience. you've walked me through the pits of despair, you've dragged me through fire, and rain stroms. you have refused to let me rest, even when i yelled at you to let me stop. great pain, you are a friend that i wish upon no one. great pain, while i look forward to the day we part ways, i want you to know how thankful i am to have known you. i no longer fear you. i no longer resent you. and i no longer question you. love always, al

i've known for quite sometime that i do not need people. while my family and friends are all very important people to me, and people who i cherish deeply---i am not a person who needs another human in order to feel complete. i envy people who are family driven. i envy those who openly say that their family is "everything" to them. there are days where i wish i felt this way too. connection, and love, while i often tell myself i tend to avoid, are two things i'm highly intrigued by. i like learning about romance, i like hearing about different families, and i like listening to people talk about their soul mate(s). i know i'm a little bit different from the rest. that's not news to me. i know i think about the world in a very different, and somewhat dark way. i know that i thrive off of being alone; but i also know that there's someone out there who was created just for me. you see, i believe in the idea of a soul mate. i'm looking for someone who knows that they want me and were created for me. i'm looking for someone who will take every ounce of my need to be alone and throw it out the window. i'm looking for someone who is highly confident, driven and no where near as sensitive as me. i'm looking for someone who doesn't let me question if i need them or not. i'm looking for someone who doesn't let me curl up alone with my feelings. i'm looking for someone who doesn't let me hang up the phone, or walk away when i'm annoyed. i'm looking for someone who's able to look past my flaws.

this entire year has been full of tiny steps. my steps are so small that they often don't feel like a real full step--more like a miniscule shuffle. and then i'll stay at the same point for many, many days, weeks, and sometimes months without feeling like i'm progressing at all. and this is how my life has gone for the past 10 months. it's incredibly frustrating. i like to see progress. i like moving forward. i like getting places. i want to improve. and you know for a while, i have been improving. a lot. but it's days like today, where i'm forced to type to you from my bed, when i have to cancel my spin class, and when i can't go outside because i'm just too weak--it's days like these where i become incredibly sad. on good days i push myself. really, really hard. i do more than the average person because i am so sick of lying in a bed, watching my life pass by. on good days, i go for 10 km walks, take 1 hour intense spin classes, get all my work stuff done before 1 pm, go for a run around the park, eat all my health foods, drink 3L of water, see friends, socialize. i do it all because i am so terribly afraid of days like today---days that i cannot do anything at all. i'm proud of myself, i am. and perhaps you're a little like me where you also struggle with taking breaks. maybe the thought of lying in bed all day makes your head hurt. maybe you feel that you aren't doing "enough." i hate that feeling. i hate that i feel and worry about the fact that i may not be doing "enough." because what is enough? i understand that rest days are important, but it's hard for me to embrace and accept these days. days like today make me want to give up. i hope you are more gentle with yourself than i am with myself today. i hope you know that a rest day is not a bad day. a day of lounging in bed does not make you a lazy human being. at this time, i am still learning to be kind to myself. i am still learning that self care does not always have to imply "doing it all." self care does not have to mean you take the day off the put on a fancy face mask, have a hot shower, steam your face, paint your nails, and do all the things to enhance your outer appearance. self care can be about doing nothing at all to enhance yourself. self care can be lying in bed, staring at the wall infront of you, crying your eyes out and wondering where you went wrong. self care doesn't have to be pretty. not moving forward does not mean you are not making progress, and a little step---or even a miniscule shuffle---is still a step forward.

during the most powerful tarot read of my life, i was told that over these next few months i'd be learning how to embrace my inner hermit. i was told that i was deeply resisting the need to take a step back, sit quiet, and relax. now i know this stems from my illness and the challenging year i have had. after going from couch, to bed, to hopsital bed, to couch once more for nearly 7 months it is incredibly difficult for me to rest and relax now that i have the choice NOT to rest. so much of me just wants to go go go and do all the things without stopping to remember that the very reason i became so sick in the first place was having this mindset. my taro reader explained to me that these next few months will be full of quiet times. hard work is ahead, but many moments of peace. i think the hard work will entail me becoming comfortable with becoming and embracing my inner hermit. i feel it already. i feel the work that's ahead, but i also feel a deep sense of inner peace. it is difficult right. very, very difficult. this entire year has been the most powerful year i've had yet. i'm unsure of what's ahead, and moving back home has been hard to wrap my head around. to put back my clothes in my childhood closet was emotional--all i could do was cry as i hung up my shirts and dresses. i never thought i'd be putting my things back in that room. i thought i'd be out of this city forever and always. but you see, there's a bigger plan for me, one that i hadn't planned for myself. these quiet times in my hometown are propelling me forward and getting me to where i'm called to be. but right now, i need to be here. and with every new day, all of this will become easier to accept.

there have only been a few times in my life where i have been presented with a life altering set of choices. the first one happened when i decided to drop out of school three years ago and move to toronto. that was the best decision i ever made. the second time it happened was when i decided to leave the bakery i worked at for nearly two years. it was so, so hard for me to leave that place because it was a place that i truly became comfortable with who i was. i felt accepted, loved, and i gained so many amazing friendships that i still have today. but there came a time where i realized that working in a bakery was not the lifestyle i wanted to live. working around sugary foods made me exhausted, and i felt mentally drained every single day from "avoiding temptation." it's when my eating and relationship with food became very unhealthy and i began to hate my body. i became completely addicted to sugar and felt awful about myself, but i'd continue to eat left over cinnamon buns for breakfast. i knew i had to leave. and one day, i found myself writing in a health cafe near my apartment that had just opened up a few months prior. it was such a beauitful space and i felt so good there. i sent the owner my resume and cover letter and before i knew it i was offered a job. everything felt so right, but i was incredibly reluctant to leave my bakery job. i was afraid to have to learn new skills, make new friends, and start at the bottom again. but after day 1 working at that place, i knew i had made the right choice. and looking back, i am still so happy that i switched jobs. and a couple weeks ago, i was faced with my most difficult decision yet. i have mulled over the thought of moving back to kitchener here and there throughout the years, but never really thought i'd do it, and i never told anyone that the thought even crossed my mind. because moving back to kitchener would equal defeat. i'd be a failure. i worked so fucking hard to get to the place i'm at now, why would i EVER throw in the towel and go back home? well things really changed when i got sick. and i don't want to sound like a broken record, but i'm a very different person today than i was in december of last year. i've learned so much about myself, and i've learned that no matter what choice i make, i will never be a failure. getting so sick showed me that. it is no secret that i struggle with making small decisions. but when it comes to the big stuff, i think i really know how to trust my instincts. my entire soul was screaming "YES" when i asked myself if i should move back to kitchener. it was my brain that kept me questioning. when i first moved to toronto, i said i'd think about my living arrangements again after three years. i thought i might move to vancouver, or somewhere else in toronto. and i guess i was right when i gave myself that three year timeline because that's how long it's been now. i can hardly believe it. i am so confident with this decision and that makes me so incredibly happy. this is not giving up, this is not failing. this is the right choice.