Anxiety Takes Over—

Recently my mental health has been getting worse. Nothing that involves action but i want to so badly. I wanted to rip my skin off me. I want to get rid of my chest. I want to stab my belly. I want to tear my face to shreds. I dont like myself. Ive made it very clear with my actions and words. I feel like i would love myself it i was a boy. I feel like i woulr love myself for once, instead of looking it with agony. Sometimes when im looking in the mirror, i feel so weird about myself. Not all the time. I try to ignore it by making jokes about my body. But sometimes i cant hide it from myself. So i lean into apathy. Sometimes i try seeing myself as a boy, but all i can see is my father. I dont like myself father that much. He can be a piece of shit at times. And somewhat racist and homophobic. Sometimes i feel like it bleeds into me. I dont want to be like him at all. I want to be better. But i can never be better. Im a shitty friend. Some my say im not but to me i feel so shitty. Venting to them time to time, not talking to them, being negative, never knowing how to talk to them, it makes me feel shitty. Makes me think that i seem not to care for them. And my jokes are the worse. They are really sexual. I hate being sexual sometimes. But ive been doing it for so long it becomes natural. Now thats not an excuse for me being sexual. I should be improving. I even got a therapist. But like thats doing shit for me. I need someone who i can spill onto. I dont want it to be a friend. I dont wish to burden my friends. Ive already burdened them enough. I want a therapist who can actually help me not some girl from tik tok. I need someone i can be deep with. As i write ts i feel like I constantly victimize myself. I feel like i make myself as the victim constantly. I hate it. I cant stand venting while feeling like i victimize myself. I have a great life. But i feel this dread in me. I barely know how to talk to people and feel like something is deeply wrong with me, even when they say i can be fixed. I dont think i can. Ive been like ts too long. Ive tried but it never works. I fall into this state of victimization and self pity. I dont want to do it anymore. As hard as i try, it never seems to change. Maybe im not changing in the write way. Maybe i cant. Maybe i need help. But when i want it i cant help but feel like im an infant. When i need help, i feel like a baby who doesnt know what to do. When someone compliments me i feel like they treat me like a baby. Ik they arent but i cant help it. But yet i love them. I love compliments. But i don't deserve them at all. I finished smthing i kept procrastinating on and my friend congratulated me. But yet i couldnt help feel shitty about it. I need motivation to do smthing so simple. I need help with things most people dont struggle with. I didnt feel like I deserved the praise as i barely did anything. I didnt even write it right. I wrote a bunch of bs. I feel so bad. I dont put a lot of effort into things anymore. I cant focus anymore. I can only rot. Hell i might as well be writing more than i did for the chapter. I feel so selfish writing ts. I feel so selfcenter. Oh wo is me. I deserve jt all. Im dont want to fish for pity, i already give myself enough. Having pity makes me feel so babyish. I feel like a baby. Im so unaware of my surroundings my friend has to help me not crash into people. I strugle a lot a school. I dont do the work as it should be. Asking for help makes me feel so stupid. I want to, but oh my ego is too large and fragile. At least thats a manily trait. Sometimes i dont feel woke enough. I dont feel like I actually understand anything. Im too stupid for anything. So stupid i keep victimizing myself here. I feel like if i fie so many people wont care, even some of my closest friends. They might care but in my heart j feel like they wont. Cause i dont talk to them at all. I barely interact. I want to. But i cant. I dont know how. So i back away and hide. All i can do is make it about me or make it weird. I dont deserve my friends at all. They are too good for me.

They deserve so much better. Sometimes i eny them. Their ability to talk so normally. To be so great. Ik i shouldnt, but i cant help it. They are all so great, and there i am. I feel like nothing. I fuck up a lot. Irl and online. I think i might km one day. I wont even say goodbye. Ill just die. People will wonder what happened to me. But cease to care at the end of the day.