grave suggestions / dark
@akagenki + not accepting
as though on cue; the ice which had clung so delicately against both sides of the glass due to the odd shape it had frozen in finally slipped, the middle of its improper form melted first while its base weakened via the liquid below. the clatter in the empty glass seemed to shatter the quiet of the bar, interruption preceded only by his statement. it had not been out of the blue / seemingly spoken at his earliest convenience. their quiet conversation up until this point had led to an opportunity for such words (though shouhei’s voice was quiet, his statement rang in her ears as though he had shouted it) to be given life between them. her finger – index trailing upon condensation forming ‘round the base of the glass – had stilled immediately as well, as though she’d been the cause for the ice to at last fall to the bottom.
silence now filled the usually-warm seating area. it was to be expected, on night watch, for the nighttime’s ambiance (perhaps lack thereof) to pervade, but when friends took up the duty together… silence was typically a hollow thing, only to befall them when one slept whilst the other remained on guard.
quick as the ice had split their ears with its clatter, the woman’s expression crumbled under the weight of truth.
quick as her mask had shattered, the vassal of the red king regained her composure.
to show such pain was unacceptable
“…can you blame me, shouhei?” at last she spoke, eyes remaining upon the glass before her as her irises (warm, liquid gold) clung still to the ache from her visage mere heartbeats earlier. though words now resumed exchange between the friends, the silence of the night seemed to swell from the center of the seating area at their backs, welling outward and casting its veil upon them. “there’s a ton of shit i’d correct if i had the chance.” certainly, many people could say that. members of the red clan especially. “but ‘m never gonna be able to.” that was something she’d found most difficult to accept. some days she still didn’t. “and ‘m still carrying the weight of shit that went wrong years ago now.”
most spoke in terms of emotion that formed baggage upon their souls. though her mind acknowledged a more physical sense of such with her words, she would be a fool to deny the former once pointed out to her. “like…” teeth clenched, and she forced the words to leave her tongue. “…like allying with the green king, and convincing anna to go back on her initial resolve to stand with the blue and silver clans to destroy the slate, but instead protectin’ it and lettin’ all hell break lose throughout the entirety of japan because of it.” it was not often she spoke of her betrayal (she was certain some of the guys still viewed it as such, however deep down, as they’d reluctantly buried their stinging hearts and scornful judgement (deserved) when their king spoke to takehiko’s defense. “i still wish i had pummeled that slimeball –” sukuna, “– even further into a wall ‘cause of that shit ass video he made mockin’ totsuka-san and mikoto-san’s deaths. and not a day goes by where i don’t feel disgusted with myself for goin’ behind anna’s back, for however short a time, but…”
she had to remind herself to breathe.
“…but i did it all ‘cause i was focused on my own interests. i’d say selfish but is it really ‘selfish’ when you’re looking for your own self-preservation?!” her volume scarcely increased, but the intensity of her words wracked her lungs / shook her breath. “is it selfish that i didn’t want the slate to be destroyed ‘cause i honestly don’t know how i’d fare –” if she would even live, “– without our flame burnin’ inside me and pushin’ all my physical limits beyond where they would fall naturally?!” she would not enlighten him with specifics. “the ‘weight’ i mentioned earlier led to that. more ‘weight’ comes from decisions i’ve made that are less extreme, but have had consequences of their own, or led to a result that was less than perfect.”
her hand rose, left index / thumb pinching the bridge of her nose as eyes closed, a long exhale drawing pause to their conversation. “the past wasn’t kind t’me, but i can’t act like i’m the only one that’s gotten the shit end of the stick.” anna. yata. eric. probably the other guys, too. “if i’m really unlucky basically every day in a damn week isn’t kind t’me ‘cause the past wasn’t. and it’s hard to wanna know the future when your track record is some top tier shit. that’s why i don’t look forward to it, or plan more than maybe a month out.”
lips curled, and her hand fell back to the bartop, finger tapping gently against it. her eyes opened once more, showing they too now matched the neutrality of the expression she sought to maintain. “the shadows from my past are bigger an’ darker than they probably should be ‘cause… well. let’s be honest. i’m not really the ‘talk out your feelings’ type. ‘m apprehensive about lookin’ to the future ‘cause of the chains those shadows make. since i don’t look forward and ‘m constantly trying t’stay ahead of the darkness, i live for the now. the present is the only place for me, shouhei.”
