☆彡

craning your neck, you catch a glimpse of his crimson steed. it glints, almost menacingly, in the light of the moon. the chrome accents are like liquid silver as he dismounts and casts a myriad of shadows over his bike. jake claps him on the shoulder as he removes his matching helmet. his hair falls out—deliciously messy, perfectly tousled; it's a waterfall of silky, black strands that somehow look windblown and gelled back simultaneously. save for everyone that has continued to dance, girls and guys alike are crowding around the boy and his bike.

a cursory smile is offered to all of the faces in the crowd, but it becomes real as he turns to look at your brother. friends since they met through soccer practice years ago, friends despite their differing social circles, friends through the thick of it all. they push through the throng of classmates, acquaintances, and strangers—closer to the house, closer to you.

before they disappear beneath the awning, jake pulls him into a hug, and you can see him dig his fingers into the boy's leather jacket. "it's good to see you, man," jake says, just loud enough for you to make out. "drinks are in the kitchen with sun, i'm sure he'll be surprised to see you make an appearance."

and, just like that, the party resumes. you watch as the horde of people assembled around the motorcycle gradually disperses, and they begin to partner up again. despite not offering any physical warmth, a fire builds inside of you; small embers of memory are ignited by the nervousness that rips at your stomach. reliving each one is painful—the images that flash behind your eyes are hot, burning themselves into your mind once more. you guess that there are mere seconds left until he comes to see you, and you are proven correct when a measured knock sounds against your door. it confirms any suspicions and lays any doubt you might've had to rest.

you know all too well who this is.

the slab of wood creaks open, groaning as if aged by the cold. gazing back at him, you notice how young he looks when bathed in the warm, yellow light emanating from your desk lamp. he seems to glow, crowned with a halo of innocence, overflowing with something you can't place. this angelic countenance distracts you from the red solo cup sitting in grasp, distracts you from the fact that he is inching forward, distracts you from the movement of his lips. and, after a few moments, he is settling next to you and fidgeting in an attempt to get used to the frigid air. suddenly, you are stripped of your alien status because he is looking at you, seeing you—just as he always does.

ghosts notice ghosts, you think, daring to steal a glance in his direction. he catches you, ensnaring you with those deep, brown eyes, but he doesn't say a word. it isn't like him, really. he's an obligatory people person, a fan favorite, a crowd worker; he can have you doubled over with laughter one minute and crying the next. this irregularity is not lost on you as he continues to stare. you can almost feel the words waltzing on the tip of his tongue, and it kills you—the waiting game. it's one you always manage to lose.

"thought we agreed to take a break from each other ..." you hum, breaking the silence and turning your head away. "hm, jungwon?"

he mirrors you, and takes a sip from the cup. his impenetrable pokerface doesn't give you any hints as to what he's drinking. peeking over, you watch as jungwon answers with a nod and a sharp clench of his jaw.

"so, why are you here?" you ask, scoffing and shooting him a forceful glare. "why are you here, sitting with me in weather you hate, not saying a word? what—do you care about me, suddenly? about us?"

he prickles at this particularly harsh jab, rushing to defend himself, "i told you, [y/n]—"

"oh, yeah—you told me, jungwon. you told me about sunghoon, about how protective he is of his sister, about how he broke siwoo's nose after he found out about their relationship. you told me that you didn't want jake to get in our way, that you didn't want things to get ugly if jake didn't like us together," your tone is venomous enough to kill as you berate him. "then, after i called you on your bullshit, you told me that it was for my own good. you didn't want me to get hurt, didn't want me to walk away broken ... you talk such a big game with your motorcycle and your leather jackets, but really, jungwon? all you told me is that you're a coward."

the aftershocks of your explosion are still rocking through jungwon as he tries to process all of your words. absorbing your poison, guilt and realization wash over him; he is a coward. and, a fool for letting you slip through his fingers. his mouth gapes as he searches desperately for the right thing to say. jungwon flounders, and you take perverse delight in his struggle. all of the weight that had been crushing you is now his to bear; it feels good, but only for a minute or two. then, this parasitic love you harbor for him squeezes at your heart. the silence starts to suffocate you, balls of cotton begin to fill your throat, and the cold air is making your lungs burn. you turn to see him already looking at you, and the apology you were about to let free dies away.

his eyes are wild, frenzied almost. not in a way that frightens you, but in one that saddens you. jungwon is frantically hunting for a way to make you see how sorry he is, for a way to make you stay. he reaches out to you but flinches away on his accord, unsure of what your reaction might be. taking a deep breath, all he says is: "you're right."

as the admission of guilt hangs in the air, it is almost underwhelming. you sigh, preparing to push up from your seat and head back inside, but jungwon stops you. he grips your wrist before he is able to stop himself this time and wills you to sit once more. his hands are as warm as you remember, calloused and rough and surprisingly gentle.

"you're right, [y/n]. i'm a coward, and i don't deserve a second chance—i didn't even deserve the first one you gave me. but, god—you have to believe me when i say that i care. i care about you, about us. my stupid, fucking thoughts got in the way, and i was scared," jungwon explains, blinking rapidly to keep his tears at bay. "i used jake to hide from you, to hide from how much i loved you. from how much i've always loved you."

jungwon begins to shake—from the desperation or the cold, you're not sure. but, as the conversation dips into a natural lull, you usher him past the threshold of the window pane and shut it behind the two of you. a quietude settles between your bodies, a static that coaxes you closer while simultaneously pushing you apart. gently, you slip the tingling tips of your fingers beneath the leather of his jacket; it is replaced with a fluffy blanket before he can blink, and he relishes in the silken sensation blooming in his chest. enveloped by this newfound warmth, you ask him the same question from before: "why?"

he answers immediately, ignoring the searing pain as his blood begins to flow again, "because, i'm not good, [y/n]. i'm not good ... and, you're perfect. i'm afraid—if we go any further, i'll turn you into someone else. i'll ruin you."

you exhale sharply out of your nose, "selfish."

yang jungwon is stunned to silence; the remnants of vitriol seep like a toxic sludge into the cracks forming in his heart—a heart that he claimed to never have, a heart that you managed to steal for yourself. selfish. you called him selfish. jungwon wanted to protect you from the person you might become after being with him; he wanted to keep you away from the sight of bloodied knuckles and the putrid scent of vomit and alcohol. "i'm ..." jungwon starts, incredulity ringing clear in his voice, "selfish?"

"beyond belief," you sniff.

"wh—how?!"

"how? jungwon—who are you to decide what's good for me? who are you to tell me that i'm good ... that i'm perfect? what do you know about me that i don't?" inhaling deeply, you inch forward; jungwon unceremoniously plops down onto the pillowy cloud of your bed, and you follow suit. in this light, the halo makes a reappearance, and you swear the entire galaxy twinkles in his wide, blown out eyes. resting mere millimeters away, you whisper, "who are you to try and make me believe we aren't meant to be?"

his facade is crumbling bit by bit; walls upon walls of cold concrete are reduced to dust in the wake of your storm. falling back into the soft down of your comforter, jungwon flings an arm over his eyes. stupid, foolish—distracted by the possibility of losing you, he managed to make one of the biggest mistakes of his life. "i'm sorry," jungwon admits once more. "i was selfish. you deserve better."

"sure, i guess. if you think so ..." you begin, interlacing your fingers with his and taking away his hiding place, "but, i want you."

jungwon feels fragile in your hands. the look in his eyes is tentative, almost as though if he were to move, you would fade into a fine dust. in this moment, he is vulnerable—a turtle without its shell, a knight without his armor. there is a certain frantic hesitance you can feel as his heart beats against yours; the rise and fall of his chest is not so steady, and the rhythm is not so sure. having already done so once, jungwon doesn't want to lose you again.

you sigh, and jungwon takes in the sweet aroma of starlight mints and lemonade. "stop thinking so hard, won," you murmur. "i want you. i deserve you. i love you."

"you do?" he asks, uncertain.

"i do," you answer, resolute. "can i show you?"

when he nods, the butterflies flitting in your stomach begin to settle because this is jungwon. pressing into him, the rich taste of butterscotch and tang of beer blooms on your tongue; the sensation of your lips slotting against his is only rivaled by the victorious completion of a huge puzzle. perfect in every way—pieces fall into place, and everything just fits. jungwon is familiar, a home that has returned to you. you make jungwon know your love. so, you kiss his forehead, and you kiss his nose, and you kiss his lips.

Your pleas to be put down seem to only fuel Jaehyun further, his boundless energy leading him to speed up until your laughter and screams ring in his ear. 

The sound of applause cuts through the air, bringing the both of you to a halt. It’s unenthusiastic, a slow echoing pace that seems more mocking than anything. It seems in your focus and delight, Jaehyun and you had both neglected to notice the audience who had managed to slip into the room. 

Jaehyun sets you down gently, observing the way your gaze is transfixed upon the intruder, the subtle curl of your palm into a trembling fist at your side. The man lets his applause cease but his stare holds, a palpable tension as both parties refuse to look away. 

Coughing awkwardly, Jaehyun bows in greeting, “Hello, Jungwon sunbae-nim, I apologize for not noticing you sooner. I’m not sure if you remember me but I’m BoyNextDoor’s leader Jaehyun.” 

“Ah.” Jungwon turns slightly to acknowledge him, his face twisting in subtle disdain at his interruption. “It’s no problem. If anything I apologize for intruding unannounced, it’s nice to see my juniors practicing so diligently. I almost feel sorry to cut it short but I’ve booked out this practice room for the remainder of the night,” the polite smile pasted on his face nearly fools Jaehyun into disregarding the iciness that clings to his tone. 

“If you don’t mind me saying though as your senior, you both should be careful about practicing alone like this without staff. Don’t want to cause reason for a scandal, especially as the respective leaders of your groups.” 

The advice is aimed with a pointed glance in your direction and rage bubbles at your core, the sting of your nails digging into your palms doing little to quell the emotion. You snort derisively, “I don’t think you have much room to be talking given our-” 

Jaehyun cuts you off with a bright smile, “Thank you for your advice. We’ll keep it in mind.” You shoot a furious glare at Jaehyun but he simply brushes it off, continuing to address Jungwon animatedly, “It seems I’ve lost track of time, I’m expected back at our dorm soon, early schedule tomorrow, you know how it is! Enjoy your practice.” 

Jaehyun goes to gather his belongings and you grasp his wrist tugging him back to hiss into his ear, “Jae what the fuck are you doing? Don’t just leave me, you don’t even have a schedule you liar.” 

“What I’m doing,” Jaehyun drawls quietly, “Is giving you a chance to talk to him. There’s only so much whining and pining a guy can take from his friend before he starts to go insane, no matter how cute that friend might be.” You’re left gaping as Jaehyun leaves you with a swift pinch to your cheek and a side hug, smirking at how Jungwon’s gaze narrows further at the contact. 

You turn, desperate to avoid the eyes that burn into your profile, walking over to the speakers to disconnect your phone from the outlets. You curse the way your fingers tremble, skin prickling with apprehension. Apprehension that Jungwon would speak up, or worse, he'd stay silent.  

“Replaced me so quickly Y/N? You sure move on fast.” Jungwon says lightly but you don’t miss the way the chuckle at the end of his sentence sounds empty, pushed out forcibly as if to prevent harsher words from escaping. 

“Can’t move on from something that never existed,” you mutter bitterly, eyes flickering up at the mirrored wall at an untimely moment, catching the hurt that tinges Jungwon’s features in the reflection. You wind up the cords quickly, ignoring the way guilt winds similarly around your lungs, constricting until your breath feels stilted. 

Scolding yourself mentally for letting your feelings slip, you school your expression into the formal mask reserved for your superiors. “I’ll leave you to it then sunbae, sorry for taking up your time.” 

Hastily zipping up your bag, you turn to exit but instead you nearly crash into the breadth of Jungwon’s chest. You stumble back, the cool expanse of the mirror meeting the flushed skin of your back. The jarring sensation does little to distract you from the heat that emanates from Jungwon, the breath that tickles your cheeks as you turn your head in panicked defiance, unwilling to face him. 

You feel akin to helpless prey, unaware of when Jungwon had crept up behind you so deftly. He does nothing to restrain you from leaving and yet you’re glued to the spot, mute and frozen as Jungwon breathes you in. His hand grasps your chin gently to guide you to meet his eyes and you’re putty at his touch, relenting easily.

“Stop it Y/N. I know things are different. I know it’s my fault but don’t. Don’t treat me like a stranger,” Jungwon pleads softly. Your fingers twitch with a desire to smooth over the crease that forms between his brows but you refrain, steeling yourself with memories of hurt. 

“Things change Jungwon, it’s been over a month since we last saw each other.” 

“Forty six days, and some odd hours. I know” Jungwon responds swiftly, recounting all the days on tour he spent staring at your chat log, scrolling through past conversations, willing himself to press the send button, watching the typing bubble appear on your end only for it to disappear. 

The reply makes your chest tight with emotion, “Don’t fucking do that,” you snap. “Don’t try to trick me into thinking you still care. That you ever did.” 

“But I do,” Jungwon says simply, eyes sincere and head tilting as if to ask you how you could ever doubt him. It hurts. To know that despite the distance and the days that had passed, Jungwon still felt for you as much as he did the day he had left your heart shattered in pieces on the same floor upon which he stood. 

“Not enough,” you whisper, lips pressing shut as the quiver of your voice betrays you. Voicing your doubts makes them real, tangible. Forcing you to face the truth that Jungwon might care for you, but not enough to stay. 

“Baby,”  Jungwon chides and the familiar pet name has your eyes scrunching close, tears slipping past the feeble barrier your lashes provide. The soft pads of Jungwon’s thumbs swipe away the tears that track lines on your cheeks, and if he swipes a bit lower to erase the trace of Jaehyun’s touch from earlier that’s between him and his conscience.

“You know, it’s been so hard for me to stay away from you too, love. At first I was grateful to have the tour and concerts as a distraction but each day I’d find myself craving you more and more. It got harder to deny how much I missed you when I was exhausted to my bare bones and all my mind could supply was memories of you. Missed the way you felt in my arms, even started eating those candies you like so much just to get a hint of the way you tasted on my lips.”

Your eyes flutter open at the rueful admission, finding so much longing and desire pooling behind Jungwon’s darkened eyes that you fluster. It’s reverent the way Jungwon regards you. He’s deified you in his mind, reduced you to a divine being forever out of his reach. Someone he could dedicate his hours to, body and mind but something he couldn't allow himself to indulge in. 

And yet you stood in front of him the embodiment of forbidden fruit, begging him to let go of his every inhibition and just give in. “Let's just stop this stupid game then Jungwon, please. If you really care about me as much as you claim to, stop depriving me of you, of us.”

“It’s because I care for you so much that I have to do this darling. I can’t let myself ruin this for you. You’re just starting out, you would get into so much trouble. We’re both leaders, love. You know what that means, we have to carry the weight of the group on our shoulders,” Jungwon reminds you of the same sentiments he’s echoed so many times in the mirror to convince himself of the validity of his actions. 

Your skin crawls with shame, you know he’s right, you’re being immature and unreasonable. But how can you respond to reason when sweet confessions and bitter rejections fall from Jungwon’s lips with equal frequency. 

“I get it. I owe it to my team to be more responsible. I can’t ask you to risk everything for me. I get it. But you can’t just tell me we can’t be together and leave me in shambles. Then come back and treat me like this. You doing this just makes it harder for me Jungwon, I don’t deserve this, to be left chasing after whatever bits and pieces you find it acceptable to throw at me,” you swipe at your eyes roughly , pushing his fingers off your face. You refuse to feel the soft touch of Jungwon’s hands on your skin while his words drive daggers into your heart. 

Jungwon’s gaze is sorrowful when gently holding your wrists to halt your movements. “I know love, I’m sorry. You deserve better, I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want.” 

The apologies do little to soothe the ache of rejection and you look at Jungwon in defeat, “Then let me go. Please. Stop talking to me, stop reaching out to me. Just let me go,” you whimper. 

Jungwon hesitates, closing his eyes in resignation as he whispers, “I can’t.” 

You scoff, twisting your arms out Jungwon’s grasp, irritation pinching at your nerves, “Are you so cruel that you won’t let me have you and you won’t let me move on either?” You attempt at pushing past Jungwon only to find yourself caged in, his hand firm on your waist.

“Move on? With who? That guy from earlier? I can’t accept that either baby, you’re mine. And I'm sorry for being so greedy but I can't stand the idea of you with anyone else but me.” With each sentence Jungwon creeps closer, until you're unsure where his exhales end and your inhales begin. 

“I don't want you showing your smile to anyone but me, I don’t want these lips on anyone else's but mine.” His last words are whispered, each syllable leaving a ghost of a breath to sweep against your lips, a silent plea for contact. 

You give in, you always do with him, Jungwon has already bridged the distance and all that’s left is for you to let your lips brush against his hesitantly. It’s enough for Jungwon to abandon every principle he’s drilled into his head, pushing you against the mirrored surface with an insistent press of his lips against yours. 

The inevitable regret, apologies and goodbyes are forsaken for a fleeting moment when your fingers curl into the strands of hair at the nape of his neck. All that matters is the gasps he draws from you, the soft noises that slip past as Jungwon nips at your bottom lip. 

You don't have to open your eyes to feel the weight of Jungwon’s gaze as he pulls away to catch his breath. He takes you in, puffy lips and tousled hair, soft lashes resting against blazing cheeks from the effects of his ministrations. Jungwon's heart swells with a sick sense of pride and relief, knowing that no matter the time or distance that you were apart, he could still reduce you to a smitten mess. 

The darkness your closed lids provide amplifies the feeling of the drag of Jungwon’s lips against your skin, trailing kisses down your jaw. “Say you're mine, love. Even if it's not true anymore I need to hear it from you. Please, just one last time.”

You know you should push him away, that this heated moment would become nothing more than another bitter memory. But against your better judgment you could only pull Jungwon closer. “I'm yours,” you admit softly, “I think I always will be.” 

The confession feels bitter on your tongue but it's easy to swallow back the shame as Jungwon gives a satisfied hum, latching back onto the base of your throat. At least when he is gone tomorrow, you'd still carry the marks of today, you comfort yourself sullenly. 

And maybe it's the bitterness that has you speaking up unwittingly, “I never thought you could be this selfish Jungwon.” You regret the words before they even leave you, and you regret them even more when Jungwon pauses, pulling back up to rest his forehead against yours.

His face pulls into a frown, eyebrows knitting at the ugly realization of how uncharacteristic his behavior was, how he had succumbed to his cravings like a child. “I never knew I could either,” Jungwon starts slowly, taking a step back and swallowing harshly, “not until you.” 

His fingers weave through his hair, pushing back the strands harshly, “We shouldn't have done this,” Jungwon mutters and then with renewed steely vigor continues, “We shouldn't be doing this.”

The chill of the air conditioner bites harder without his proximity and you feel the frost settle into your bones. Say something. Ask him to stay. You will yourself but your body refuses to obey, a futile twitch of your fingers is all you can conjure. Instead you opt to chew on the inside of your cheek, the sting providing a distraction for spreading dull ache in your chest. 

Jungwon doesn't miss the quiver of your lips, or the tightening of your fingers around your sleeves. His expression twists until his guilt is written all over his face, and somehow that hurts even more.

“I’m yours too Y/N, always-,” he utters pleadingly, and your brow pinches as you wait for the imminent but. 

“-but we can’t do this right now, and I'm sorry for being selfish and making this harder on you-”

“Jungwon,” you interrupt quietly, “just go.” Jungwon moves to protest, to step forward and wrap you in his arms again with promises of a future us but you stop him with a firm shake of your head. 

And you stand firm, rigid as Jungwon gathers his things, unyielding as he casts you one last helpless look and a whispered apology and turns to leave. It's only when you hear the resounding click of the door slamming shut that you allow yourself to crumble.

a/n: unedited bc i've been putting this off and we go down like men ( i will regret this ik) but i've missed u all lots n i hope u enjoy <3

anyways i will be taking a mini break from writing jungwon to write a bnd taesan SMAU on my alt @aisnextdoor !!! (going to be a very aisclosed excuse for a SMAU with minimal smau and mostly written chapters,,, ) lots of fun come join me <3

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