in every version of us
💌 f e a t: yoon jeonghan x reader
💌 g e n r e: fluff, hurt/comfort, established relationship and split
💌 s u m m a r y: in which you and jeonghan take time apart to learn how to choose each other in every version of yourselves.
inspired by @/prestonrack on instagram.
love isn't about choosing each other just once.
It's spring, and Jeonghan wants to leave.
You'd seen a lot of sides of Jeonghan in the four-and-a-half years you'd known him. His gentle demeanour, his clumsy side, even his micro-annoyed expressions when something went horribly wrong.
You'd never seen this side of him, however. The sight of him sitting at the dining table, his head in his hands, despondent and exhausted. A shadow of the personified sunshine you once knew. The version of him who'd had too many late nights, too many troubles plaguing his mind. And there you were, a woman whose tongue became sharper than knives, someone who managed to say the nastiest things without batting an eye and call it love.
"I think we should... take a break," Jeonghan says, his voice muffled by his hands. "We can't keep doing this. We can't keep going round in circles, arguing about the same things over and over. You're tired of it, and frankly... so am I. I'm really, really tired."
You barely recognise your own voice when you reply, "I...I didn't..."
"I know," Jeonghan replies, although he doesn't actually know what either of you mean. "I know. But I'm also allowed to be upset at this. At you. I can't keep coming home and fighting a new war each time. We can't do this and then pretend everything's fine five minutes later. You're stressed, I'm never available enough... we're not the same people we fell in love with. We're not the same people we used to know."
It all sounds very transactional, you almost say out loud. But all that comes out of you is a gentle nod. A nod more gentle than anything you'd said or done to him these few months. "Right."
Above all, you were sorry. Sorry that you'd driven the both of you to this bitter, bitter end. Sorry that you couldn't even apologise for it. Sorry that you were the reason why this man, this beautiful man who had always loved to smile, couldn't even look you in the eye right now.
He looks up, as if he can't believe your easy agreement himself.
You swallow so hard that the lump in your throat actually hurts. "Okay. Um... I'll go."
He looks alarmed at your words. "No, you don't have to--"
"I can't stay, Ha-- Jeonghan," You mumble, looking around the house. A roof, and four walls containing so many fond memories. Way too many than what's good for you. Of him lying in your lap, of singing completely off-key to Katy Perry, of drunken giggling and inside jokes and dancing in the dark. "This place is yours. You bought it. I'll...I have to go. I'll go now."
"Not now," He replies, standing up. "It's late, and it's cold. Don't just go now because we're taking a break--"
"It's--it's really nice of you," You mumble, wiping your nose. "Really. I'm not leaving because I don't want to see you. It's just that if I continue to see you, I think I might not want to leave anymore. Take this as me trying to give you the peace you -- we need. I... I really have to go."
He shakes his head. "Stay for the night, at least. We've... we've loved each other too much to let this just be the end of it. And I really don't feel great about you leaving right now."
Loved. The word rings through you. And it takes all the fight out of you. So all you do is nod. "I'll take the couch."
Jeonghan still looks uncomfortable at the idea. But you, too, shake your head. "Please don't try to convince me."
After a few moments, he finally relents. "Alright, then."
You pack quickly in (what used to be) your shared bedroom, spend one exceedingly awkward night on the couch, and by eleven the next morning, you're closing the front door and stepping away from the apartment you called home. You don't even know if Jeonghan wakes up to see you leave. By eleven, you've bid goodbye to the life you once knew, and to the man you'd given your entire heart to.
It's summer, and you're alone.
The months have truthfully flown by. You don't see Jeonghan at all, and you make no move to contact him. Work is the same as it always is, only now you throw in a hundred and ten percent just to make sure you're well and truly exhausted by the time you get home. You don't want to leave any space in your time, or your head, to think about him.
A nice, long drink before bed is your alternative. But alcohol, as you know it, has always been a fine line, and it only takes a teensy step, a "just one more" to turn everything upside down and cross it to the point of no return.
And so you find yourself dialing his number one warm night, intoxicated and barely seeing straight. The half-empty tequila bottle reflects all the mistakes you're about to make. He picks up on the third ring.
"Hello?"
Some part of your consciousness is screaming no, no, no!!! And yet, you can't bring yourself to hang up just yet. So you just stay silent and hear his voice.
"Hello?" He repeats. "Are you there? What's happening? Are you okay--"
"I'm okay," You reply, lips curving into a smile. "Aaaalll good."
There's a pause. You can almost hear the click in his brain when he makes the connection, because he's Jeonghan, your boyfriend of four years -- well, was, and he knows you so well, you could say he knew you inside out, and--
"Are you drunk?"
"No!" You insist. "Mm... I drank a little, but you know me, I have an iron liver--"
"The tolerance of a fruit fly," He interrupts, deadpan. "Are you drinking at home or outside--"
"Oh, home," You reply airily. "Home, home. Although I don't know where that is."
"Do you need me to pick you up--" He sounds alarmed. "Are you lost? Send me your location."
"No, no," You sigh. "I'm saying that just 'cos... I'm not used to it, you know?"
"Used to what?" He asks softly.
"Just... this!" You gesture around your kitchen, as if he can see it from wherever he is. "A great big apartment, and plates for so many people, but no one at home. Just me and my four walls. And this Jose Cuervo."
He stays silent.
"Oooh, plates." You say, opening a cabinet and promptly bumping the door into your head. "Oh, ow."
"Baby-- I mean--"
"Yeah, there's baby ducks on this one," You say happily, pulling one out. "I bought it because I thought you'd like how their beaks are lopsided."
"Hey," He says. "Look, I know you're drunk, but you can't just do this in the middle of the night."
"Riiight." You reply, face flushing red. "I'm sorry, I'm embarrassing myself, aren't I?"
When he doesn't reply, you feel tears welling up in your eyes. This isn't the Jeonghan you know -- the one you love would always reply, always talk, always play along with the bit, because you'd laugh, and he'd smile because you were laughing.
"I'm sorry you had to pick up... bye--"
"Wait. You're sure you're safe? Do you need me to come and find you?"
"No, no," You say. "Don't come near me. Don't come and find me."
"What?"
"If you come, I might not let you leave," You mumble, a little more incoherently. "I can't get used to... I'm gonna go now."
"Well, finish your thought before you go," He says sternly. "You can't get used to what?"
"I just got used to not being at home," You reply, the phone beginning to slip from your jelly fingers. "My home doesn't feel like one right now."
"Yeah?" He asks, quieter now. "What does home usually feel like, then?"
"Like you," You say sleepily, the phone falling, seconds from clattering on the table. "I think it always felt like you."
And then you fall asleep, the tequila finally taking over.
It's almost autumn, and Jeonghan spots you first in the grocery store in the central district. You're focused on picking out the perfect apple.
You almost turn on your feet and bolt when he calls your name, but you force yourself to slowly turn around and face him. "Oh. Jeonghan. Um... hi."
Jeonghan looks at you. You don't look like you want to be here at all. You're looking everywhere but at him, you're shifting on your feet, and you look jittery -- something he'd only seen the night before you'd surprised him with a watch he'd been eyeing for months.
So, instead of firing off questions, he glances at a nearby diner. "Want to grab something to eat? They serve good shakes."
--
"How are you?"
"Oh, uh, fine." You fidget with the edge of the menu. "As per normal."
"Where did you go to stay?" He asks again. "I couldn't get a hold of you after... everything. I wondered where you went."
"Just further away," You shrug. "Found a studio apartment closer to work, and, well, it's just me. I don't need a space that big."
He nods once.
It takes a few more bites before he takes a deep breath and tells you, "I'm sorry. For how I... ended things. I -- I don't..."
"Jeonghan, you don't need to apologise," You interrupt, putting your fork down. "Honestly, it was mostly my fault. We were just trying to survive on our own, and I made you feel horrible for doing it differently than I was. You didn't deserve that."
He nods silently, raising an eyebrow. "That's... really nice of you to say."
"And I should have realised..." You clasp your hands and look down at them. "That you five years ago wouldn't be the same as you now. I loved you because of your kindness, and gentleness, but now I know... being in love with you didn't mean finding you only in what I thought you were."
Jeonghan stares hard at you, as if he hasn't quite seen you properly before. "What does loving me mean, then?"
"I think it means finding you in every version, even when you're worn down by life and rebuilt by growth, because it's all the real you," You look down at your own plate. "And choosing to love all of it, and every version of you still to come. I know that now."
"I'm not going to ask you for another chance," You continue, swallowing hard. "I know we're way past that. I just wanted you to know that... I'm trying to become better. I'm trying to learn how to stop controlling something that I should've let run its course."
And it's really good to see you again, you almost say, but hold your tongue.
The remainder of the meal passes in silence, and when you can see the bottom of your glass and Jeonghan has taken his last bite, you offer a small smile. "It was nice to talk about this. Really. Thanks for staying to eat."
He doesn't say anything, just continues to watch you silently as you gather your things.
You bid him goodbye, and leave the small diner. You're about to step on the crosswalk when you hear rapid footsteps. You turn and Jeonghan's standing right behind you, looking as though he can't quite believe himself either.
"Um... are you okay?"
"No."
"Oh," You reply. "Did... did I say something hurtful again? Look, I'm really sorry--"
"No, you didn't."
"What is it, then?"
He shakes his head. "I can't believe I'm saying this."
"What?"
"There's just one tiny, really important flaw in your otherwise stunning reflection," He mutters.
"What do you mean?"
"You really weren't going to ask for another chance?"
"No...?"
"And that's where you went wrong," He declares firmly. At your incredulous expression, he shakes his head. "You're right that 23-year-old me won't be the same as I am now. But every version of me, whether I'm 23, 28, or 90, will always want you."
"Jeonghan--"
"I wasn't perfect either," He tells you ruefully, shutting his eyes as if he can't face you. "I shut down and stopped talking. I didn't tell you what I really wanted. You're not a mind reader. I shouldn't have assumed you'd just know."
"Still. I had the nastiest mouth. I recognise that now."
"And you're learning from it," He counters. "I'm not making excuses for your mistake. If you haven't noticed, you're more at peace. You seem.. calmer, less on edge. I had lessons of my own that I needed to learn, too. I can't let you take all the credit for this one." A wry smile finds its way onto his face.
You huff a laugh. "So what now?"
"What now?" Jeonghan repeats, taking one timid step closer. "We sit down. You call me out on my shit, and I'll call you out on yours. We'll talk about everything huge and small, even if we think it won't matter later on. We won't be stupid and try to start over as friends. I know I said I was tired, but frankly, I'm even more tired having to go through my day waiting for you to call while sober, or wishing that I could call."
"I would've picked up if you did," You admit.
He smiles. "I know. So would I, drunk or not."
It's winter, and you've never been happier.
He catches you being more aware on what you're saying, and how you're saying it. You notice him trying to vocalise his thoughts, when he's struggling and when he needs comfort. And suddenly, your words make a hundred times more sense, even to you.
To fall in love with Jeonghan had always been easy. To love him over and over, during the easy and the hard, was the part where you could never stop trying. Luckily for you, you had someone who was just as willing to choose you, over and over again.
