wannabewriter

And the saddest thing is that the shame came from outside of me, it came from the weird looks, the shocked faces, the questioning of my 'normality', the rejection from each boy I try to date.

How one always tries so hard to make it as good as possible, as successful as possible, even as perfect as possible.

How relationships arrive in your life as quickly as they disappear

They dissolve.

Unpredictably they remove themselves from your everyday scene, taking away the person with them.

And you have no choice but to accept it.

Eventually, over time, with the difficulty to let go and move on and completely forget what it was like to have them in your life.

Does one every truly forget?

Then you come across a new person, someone who piques your interest, and it is rather hard for one to catch your attention, catch your eye.

It is all set online, of course.

With your luck, you speak over the course of two-three months, unable to focus on anything else, excited by the next message you receive from them, feeling desirable, seductive and special, you open yourself up, your share your body with them.

You have intimate moments over the phone, constantly expressing how you cannot wait to see each other in flesh, in real life.

Countless number of photos sent back and forth, voice messaged recorded, raising the excitement of the new encounter.

And then

Rather suddenly, something in your body tells you that the other is pulling away, weeks before they are to return home, not long before you two are supposed to meet.

Longer time taken to reply, shorter messages, unexpected rise of females in the 'following' tab on the other's social media account...

Your stomach clenches with anxiety, fear rises up your throat because your feelings began attaching them to someone who only exists to you online but started becoming closer to your heart.

Slowly but surely.

You confront them about feeling the pulling away from their side,

Explained by the lack of time, tiredness, low mood and morale,

You buy into it.

The paragraphs feel like honey embracing your heart that one evening or two, I can't remember now.

Then, the slower messages come back the next day and the day after.

You're constantly telling yourself that you can't take it too personally due to the talking stage, that you're just over thinking, that your anxiety is making it worse.

And you just don't know what to do.

You keep on reaching and reaching and clinging onto the idea that he does truly like you.

But you still feel worried about the possibility of being one of many.

One of many more that have piqued his interest and sent photos and had their hopes rooted in meeting him.

And you really hope that once you meet, it will all become clear and that the spark, the connection will be so overwhelming that nothing else will matter in that moment, just you two, your lips and the heat emanating from your bodies.

Because I crave this intimate connection so badly

and all I really desire is love,

A year

full of tears, hot showers, hopeless evenings, liberated mornings and difficult self-work.

It's been a year.

A year of distance, of two lives lived in complete separation on two sides of the world. Months of meeting new people, getting new jobs, seeing new sights. Days of speaking to strangers that we now consider as friends, hours of brand new thoughts, minutes spent not thinking about each other.

A complete year of not sharing life with you. Of you having a brand new reality, hours ahead of me, your eyes adjusted to a new light, new atmosphere, new climate.

Yet, a year of frequent messages that only turned to sporadic around two months ago.

A sign of withdrawal or a sign of living this experience to the fullest before you come home.

Maybe two months of doubt, of fear, as to what's about to happen once you place your feet in a place of frozen past, where time has stopped for our dual experience of life, waiting to be (hopefully) resumed with your presence next to mine.

Maybe two months of detachment, of time you spent realising you don't want us to continue as a two.

This year has been transformative for me.

A year of self-worth, confidence and independence.

A time I spent realising I am enough. A time I opened myself to new people, new experiences and joy.

The emotional fight has seemed to reach its climax and within a question bursted back to your average state of caring.

Intuitively feeling a change in direction, a slight distancing, two souls decided to temporarily part ways even though they've been parted for a while.

The official state of those few messages, the attachment that like a gum held onto each part of the body, unwilling to let go, was forced to ever so slightly pressure a detachment in feelings.

But who are we kidding?

Every part of me screamed this doesn't seem right with every part of you promising we will cross paths again. Rather than happily agreeing and craving distance, we constantly repeated that this is for the best now, explaining how we need self-improvement and time. All while endlessly reminding one another of feelings that haven't changed and probably never will.

So why aren't we side by side?

the ones that we can see and the ones that are hidden by the pollution of the midnight sky.

No matter where you are, you always look up the same abyss, the same comforting view.

and sometimes when you lose hope and when it's extra hard

when it feels like it's only you and no one else around

you glimpse up there with your lonely eyes

and nothing else matters but the calm of the night.

the presence of another can be felt in those stars

like a connection that reaches even the ones that found themselves very far apart.

bodies might be disconnected for a certain amount of time

but souls travel over miles and find each other within the distance that physically might be hard to overcome

but emotionally hovers in time.

so when I look up at those stars,

the sweetness of your lips still flows through me on the occasions when I close my eyes.

the firecrackers in your eyes light up my entire being and oh my your smile

the smile that could cover a hundred wounds, stop thousands of disasters and lift many of my low moods.

and ah that peace

the calmness of your breath, the steady heartbeats in your chest and the constant warmth that emanated from you

these qualities, shared emotions and a felt connection are irreplaceable.

one can only try and put these moments into words but at the end of the day one wishes they could've been even more cherished as they were happening.

but time always flies in the ecstatic moments - they are fleeting.

and as they fleet, we fleet with them into a happier place

we only wake up once they're completely gone, occupied with re-living them on rare occasions.

these charged memories can only be associated with you, only feel this specific way with you

and although I may never be able to word exactly what they felt like to me,

I hope you know what it was like to live them too.

Nowadays, it is all or nothing

One little mistake, one shaky period for lovers or even a break seem to be the ultimate decision as to where the relationship is going.

Don't get me wrong, I am not delusional

Some may say I am naive or blinded by the intensity of first true relationship.

But isn't it sad how little hope we have for love nowadays?

It all feels so disposable and so replacable

And everything must be perfect

We expect a complete devotion yet we don't choose to persevere when one thing goes wrong.

What happened to the value of love?

I might be naive or one of the hopeful ones, the ones that aren't really here anymore

But I choose to wait and give this love a chance

Because it's been months and the feelings that have been there from the start are still here

I feel at peace

the delicate rays of sun kiss my cheeks, the darkness of the moon touches my soul

I am affected by all

a rather sensitive being with over exaggerated feelings, I sometimes think I feel more than an ordinary person

I drown in my life experiences, remembering every little thing that happens to me, attaching meaning to everything

I feel and feel and feel

I do get an overwhelming sense of numbness when the sadness overtakes me on days when I just sit there, wondering what's wrong with me

I always expect so much from people when it comes to feelings and I'm often disappointed when they don't feel the way I feel

because why doesn't one just feel?

can one feel too much?

As a teenager, I had no luck with love. I had a few crushes - some didn't feel the same way about me, others just wanted to have sex with me and others broke up with me a few days after going out. I craved a true relationship, where I would feel valued and loved by the other person. I witnessed many relationships amongst friends and always wondered why it couldn't be me, why I haven't experienced my first kiss and all of the other firsts already, since everyone else had theirs.

A part of me always felt like I was behind. A part of me always felt like maybe love wasn't meant to happen for me. A part of me also hoped that maybe all of this is happening for a reason and it will be worth waiting because there is someone special out there who's also waiting for me.

the shades of pink and red are merging together, blending out all the emotions felt

have I been blinded by the hues of these colours that tinted your true self? or did someone flip the switch and you turned into a completely different character?

the sudden turn of actions, the unpredictable boldness and intensity of your decision have left me lonely

truly alone, all by myself and with no control

that's the worst thing, I feel truly powerless, I feel like I have no control over your decision, no control over your actions and no control over our relationship

I have been presented with an already decided reality and had no way out or no possibility of compromise

You are in control of what feels like everything at the moment

You text me whenever you feel like it, you grow warmer, getting more interested in my life but then you distance yourself and want to keep it more private

I am lost in this in betweenness and unpredictability of what you will be like towards me the next day, not even beginning to think about a few months from now

I still feel hopeful that there is a chance for us but from day to day I fear that you will rather have your fun, have your life all by yourself, not being very serious but rather being very spontaneous

Although one could say my selfishness is coming out right now, I feel truly left, I truly feel like there is no way out of this situation

Thinking about it, I feel lost. I feel lost in trying to understand how one's freedom is restricted in a romantic relationship when in fact if the relationship is nurturing, it should strive to provide this sense of freedom, of release, of mutual growth. I might be slightly irritated at this point due to being left (at the same time not quite left) by a partner who felt like family since the first meeting - this might well cloud my judgement on modern love in this moment. But what I see is less people being able to find that love or find it at a much later age or refuse to find it due to lost trust and belief in people and their emotions.

Although the world around us seems to be changing into a more encouraging in terms of freedom of expression, talking about our feelings, I actually believing we are becoming more closed off and platonic to one another. A lot of relationships seem to be platonic and based on satisfying needs or pure entertainment.

Idk.

I still believe in fate - I believe that some people are meant to cross paths, meet, make a connection. However, I think we choose to make that step to deepen that connection. We choose that we are interested in that specific individual. And most importantly, we choose them as a partner, we choose to open ourselves to love. Fate brings two souls together but those souls make a choice to get to know each other and side by side, grow by each other's side, nurture each other.

I think sometimes those souls might need a break, some time to grow by themselves. It often happens when they meet at a younger age, spend most of their life in a relationship together or when they meet at an awkward time, a time when they're just about to figure themselves out - who they really are, what makes them tick. Every relationship has a break or a struggle period. It happens at different stages for each relationship. And it's up to both individuals to make that choice to either get back together or choose separate paths. Again, fate already has it written whether those two hearts are meant to cross again or not but it's up to us to make that decision.

It's up to me and you.

It's up to me and you to go through these months, this year and see if our hearts do yearn for each other. It's up to us to figure out if we are partners for life.

It's up to me and you to survive this.

Because I'm already struggling

I am here right now with no sign of you

I cry sorrow tears whilst wandering in my head around the memories that we formed during that sweet year

There was no sign of struggle between us, rather the signs of pure joy and loving that emanated from our bodies

if I only knew you were about to leave, I would've prepared myself better

I would've drifted away bit by bit till I no longer was here, in this relationship

I would push away all the good moments

I would isolate myself

I would tell you just how much I loved you till you were so full you weren't able to bare the weight of my feelings

I don't know what I will do with the emptiness that swallows my heart

I don't know how I will let go but at the same time keep holding on so that once you're back, I'm still here waiting for you

I am a fool for having so much hope of you not meeting someone else

someone who will love you better

someone who will excite you more

someone more

I

I am lost for words

for I never loved a soul so much

to the point where I feel as if I'm losing a part of me

a part that's numb and is slowly falling apart

till it no longer exists

and all that's left after it

is numbness

I romanticise everything and anything to the point where I truly believe the reality that I create out of my own fantasy.

I sit down, stare into space and imagine. I think about my future a lot. So many possibilities. I see a little cafe filled with a large amount of incredible plants that engulf the space into a private sanctuary. I see the locals, smiling, talking and laughing with each other while sipping on the sweetest, most aromatic coffee found in the neighbourhood. I smell the cakes, the ones that are in fact homemade with the help of my mum and the other employees that I have chosen perfectly to fit the role of the smiley, friendly baristas. I see a small space around the corner, inside of the cafe, where my own art and the art of local artists is exhibited and bursts with colour on the delicate, smooth walls of a small gallery space. The happiness and energy is blinding anyone who walks inside.

My boyfriend is there too. He takes care of our special plants. He supports me in every step of the way. We both travel in our free time, exploring the hidden places around the world, talking to the locals there and bringing our personal experiences back to the cafe, back to our lives, where we both flourish through love and care.

I see my future as a bright one. Not bright as in famous, career wise. Bright as in full of joy and experience. Experience experience experience. There is a lack of fear in my future. Lack of anxiety. My future is my family, the life I create side by side with a person who encourages me to grow, just as I allow him to also grow as an individual. A joined life of two that are personally fulfilled and together loved. A life that's truly lived.

the day when I realise how lucky I am, what I've been through and what I have achieved

the little girl's dreams have all come true and yet sometimes that hurt little girl awakes in me and clouds my view

yet, I fight through and see all that graced me with kindness and a life that I never thought would be possible

you have appeared in my life out of nowhere, becoming a spark of happiness that brights up my darkest days

I believe you are the soulmate I have always desired, a blue butterfly that will stay with me for the rest of my life

we fit like a puzzle, no need of words to communicate, as soon as I touch your chest or feel your presence, I am at home

I am sure we have met before, on the street, in another life, as a pair of lovers as a pair that doesn't exist without one another

you are someone I can never be mad at, as hard as I try to get annoyed, as soon as you reply or speak to me, I lose my mind, I want to scream it, I want everyone to know that you are mine mine mine

I am safe next to you, I grow by your side and I love you so much that I could kill for what we have

moments?

feeling irritation towards the loved one although they simply haven't replied to you for a few hours but you're thinking they have forgotten your entire existence

the loneliness that comes with it feels as if the walls are breaking down brick by brick and there is no one that could possibly hold all of those together to stop them from destroying themselves

after a few minutes of the overwhelming amount of mixed emotions flowing over and through you, you sit down

you breathe on that little edge of your bed

you close your eyes and then open them and all of a sudden this anger, this irritation is gone and you're thankful that you haven't messaged anyone with a cry for help or that you haven't hit anyone with all of those emotions that were flooding you

you feel yourself again

you feel balanced

you feel a relief

you realise that the problems that were created by those feelings didn't actually exist and that you are okay

you are not lonely and you are loved

the world is not falling apart, but what if my sanity is?

Minutes passing me by like seconds

a week feels like a day

my head is spinning by the fact that tomorrow only feels like yesterday

I can't quite comprehend how I'm missing life through the time that doesn't quite want to slow down

sometimes I feel like I'm the only one trying to catch up but I'm unable to move, have no choice but to be swallowed by those seconds and minutes that engulf me into their run

run for the future

run for the forever that will be over before I have the time to blink

before I have the time to realise

that I'm living in the present

that I'm ignoring the moment that's right in front of me

or more like that's right in me

I find myself over worrying about what's to come

what's planned ahead for me

that I forget what's right now

then I go back to my nostalgia

back to the memories of the past that feel so utopian

so great

make me want to live in them

when in fact it's all so great because it's gone

once it's gone we want it back

once it's gone we realise we missed it at the time

we missed it because we were so focused on the next thing that we forgot to live the one we were in at a time

memory is a fog

time is a race

life is an experience

an experience needs to be lived

it needs to be breathed through

and in order to breathe

we need to be conscious

be conscious of the present moment

that will be over