Pineapple Express

‘dad bod’ is just ‘bear’ in Straight

DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THOSE BOOKS ARE PUSSYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT THOSE BOOKS BEING PUSSY;S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW THATS WHAT I CALL “INTELLECTUALLY STIMULATING”…!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS WILL… REALLY MAKE YOU THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

if this post gets deleted on the 17th I’m going with it

tumblr nsfw ban is gonna bring back cubism

Iconic.

“Oscar Winning Actor" 

“tip your waitress” 🤘🏾🤘🏾🤘🏾😂😂😂😂💞💞

I YELLED SO LOUD!!😭😭😭👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

A legend

the day is december 18, 2018. i type a post and use ‘👀’ in the text body. the emoji too closely resembles nipples (female presenting) and i am immediately executed

oh good to know the tumblr staff team has gone completely insane

sir im gonna need to see your male nipple license

sir that is my emotional support female nipple

what the fuck was this show

pornhub: the government is doing a bad job of sex education. we’ll do it properly. public: applause pornhub: the government is doing a bad job of snow plowing. we’ll do it properly. public: confused applause

pornhub: chaotic good

what timeline is this

pornhub doing a better job than Trump/America

somewhere in all this bad pornhub is out here doing so much good

i always thought of a king sized bed as being a bit bigger than a queen, but now that i have one, i can tell you that a king sized bed is an absurdity. i can sprawl out, and my husband can sprawl out, and the cat can sprawl out, and none of us are touching. i reach out in the night, and find only pillows and plush walruses. i reach further and eventually find his elbow. he rolls over the comforters to try and find me. “i have crossed oceans of bed to be with you,” he says. there is a vast expanse of bed untouched, unmapped, unexplored. the cat is still trying to sleep on my face.

This is the opposite of a creepypasta

cozypasta

Customers who get angry when I read them their total cost are so compelling to me. Take charge of your narrative, Janice. Be the hero of your own story. You are the one who is purchasing $113.67 worth of adult zen coloring books, Janice. It’s not me you hate, Janice. It’s not me.