make a knock knock joke and istg i'll punch you.

Very stupid that I can't take the muscles out of my neck & upper back & beat them with a meat tenderizer. I think that would fix me

[looking at people younger than me] you have your whole life ahead of you [looking at people older than me] you have your whole life ahead of you [looking at myself] its over

they hate me because the years of memory loss has purified my mind

beautiful women love it when I call them bro

'you can smoke whatever drugs you want idgaf' and 'apartment building etiquette is such that i should not be able to instantly smell your rank-ass weed stank through our shared wall' are two sentiments that can both be true

you shouldnt have to pay for the dentist. the dentist should pay me for satsifying their weird fetish

its gonna be a sexy sexy night once i figure out how to survive point blank shotgun blasts

boxers and a house robe. the thinking man's pajamas. the boxers say "i have worryingly low standards for what pizza i will eat" but the robe says "i have read at least one book"

Did something happen in your kitchen this evening?