couldn't sleep at 5:45 am so i wrote a thing for @affiesque that was supposed to be a snippet from smut i wanted to think about but not write but then turned into a precursor to ritual erotic scarification that i will also think about but not write
they’d talked about it once, in the post-coitally drunk-drowsy haze where they said things they’d never do otherwise.
‘just crack open your ribs and crawl inside and close them up behind me,’ chen yi said, his nose pressed into ai di’s sweat-dampened hair. he could hear ai di’s breath hitch a little.
‘why would you want that?’ ai di said, sharp but not angry — more panicky, like he expected someone to set off the trap at any moment. chen yi nipped a little at a sensitive spot on his neck to make him shiver. ‘don’t — don’t dodge the question.’
‘because i love you,’ chen yi said, the only vulnerable thing he could ever bring himself to say outside of these dreamy lazy moments. the words tasted sweet and good in his mouth.
he told ai di as often as possible that he loved him, let himself roll the syllables around in his head until they grew comfortable and soft and lived-in, brushed away all the foolish thoughts he’d held onto for so many years. he let himself think it and say it enough to be a well-lived truth, but ai di didn’t know yet how to file the sharp edges off words. there was hearing and knowing and then there was knowing, that unshakeable certainty.
he shifted a little until they were facing each other, and ai di’s gaze flitted away automatically.
‘don’t get sentimental,’ ai di said, when chen yi knew full well how badly he craved the love he denied himself. ‘you’re so ridiculous. talking about living behind my ribs. you couldn’t fit anyway. you’re too tall.’
‘i could make it work,’ chen yi said, tracing the seam of ai di’s lips with one finger. he thought of resting himself up against ai di’s rapidly thudding heart, soothing it back to gentle steadiness. ai di had always been like that, skittish and suspicious and scared. ‘we wouldn’t have to be separated ever again.’
ai di didn’t say anything to that, because even in the afterglow he was cautious with his words.
‘if you jumped, i would catch you,’ chen yi said, almost by accident, and ai di went stiff a little.
‘you didn’t, though. you weren’t there.’ they both knew they could see the remains of a ruined cake in the kitchen. chen yi’s heart twisted. ai di wasn’t looking at him, wouldn’t look at him.
‘you weren’t there,’ ai di repeated, a little more panicky now, and chen yi had to grab him in a bear hug and hold him tightly for a long while so neither of them went to pieces.
‘never again,’ he said, trying to calm the sparking electricity of ai di’s tension. ‘never.’
ai di could’ve fought him, could’ve tried to get away, but he didn’t. ‘you — ‘ he said, haltingly, like the words physically hurt to say, ‘ — you can’t leave. you’re not allowed. you’re mine, right? not anybody else’s. not — ‘
chen yi had to hush him then, because he was teetering on the edge and he would lash out, all fists and teeth, trying to displace the pain, if he let himself tip over.
‘i’m yours,’ he said, and it felt almost as good to say as the i love you. ‘i’m right here.’
‘fuck you,’ ai di said, and chen yi knew it was as close as he could get to accepting it. ‘if you ever leave — ‘
‘i’ll give you the knife,’ chen yi said. ‘i’ll let you be the one to kill me.’
ai di’s fingers kept working in chen yi’s shirt then. ‘you don’t get to die first,’ he said. ‘you’re not allowed to.’
‘if i’m alive, you have to be, too. and you can’t leave, either.’
‘shut up,’ ai di said, ragged and exhausted. his knuckles pressed hard against chen yi’s chest. chen yi kissed his forehead and let him be.
‘just go ahead and cut me open,’ ai di said after a long while. ‘if you want it so bad.’
‘di,’ chen yi said quietly.
‘i mean it,’ said ai di. venom dripped from the words. ‘get a knife. cut me open. carve me up.’ he pulled his hand away and spread it over his own abdomen. ‘here, or here. if you love me, then show me.’
