I just have a lot of feelings!!

the freaky cat witch even wants to stay and fight olly himself and iguin said no absolutely not we’re leaving. in a very scary way mind you.

The kindness, the warmth, the goofiness, the flash and brilliance, the bursts of perhaps worrying intensity bordering on desperation ala ‘y’know I know what I said but I think it’s time to just burn this whole fucking forest down’ or ‘you’re okay I’m okay (I can still be a witch I can save people I have to save everyone)’; those are all also true. But I think this is at the heart, and it shines through to where we can see so rarely. He’s been at this for a long time: he had hiding it down to an art already at the tender age of like eleven. If you’re anything like me, he’ll have you as a reader bought into it for the longest time, even when you’re really paying attention and love this kind of character. I don’t think it’s coincidental that the chapter 77 cover is for a part of the story where his ability to present himself, play a certain role (the one of a witch, of a competent adult, the person who can come in and help and not need help themselves) is compromised by a broken, traumatized part of his mind getting triggered and roaring to the surface on him, and it makes him stare into nothing, lose focus. Something frozen and watchful lives under the surface.   

A thing about Olruggio is that he knows who he is, I think -- indeed, his whole plan for keeping Qifrey TreeFree TM is predicated on self-knowledge, his understanding of how he himself will think and feel and behave. (See also that one cover that’s Olruggio in the middle of changing frames while staying completely constant himself etc.) And as a child he chose a very different path to get to keep his self than Richeh did, for example: where she stubbornly, bravely, held on to herself in the face of everything that wanted to dismantle her, in active defiant opposition, Olruggio hid his real self where no one could find it or suspect it even existed, that what they were getting from him wasn’t it. It’s somewhere in there behind the smile. He will slip away like so much smoke if you try to get too close. But there is one person in the world he wants to be seen by and to see completely. 

That's a layer of tragedy with the whole Olufrey situation that gets me so badly — not only Qifrey, who wanted so badly to never have to lie again to Olly specifically, but also that Olruggio can never be completely honest even with the person he loves the most because Qifrey can't receive it or reciprocate as things stand right now. (because. of the fucking tree. we always return. to the fucking tree. the tree is the metaphor for trauma and how it can put down roots and linger in us lest we forget but also. a fucking tree.) He is who he is these days partially because it’s who Qifrey needs him to be, it’s what (it seems like) Qifrey can handle from him. Olruggio of the Torch is his public persona, Olly is his private persona... and there *is* something else and more under that too. Something which I don't think anyone but maybe Qifrey at the end of it all would be allowed to see or know, but that nevertheless aches to be Beheld and safe in that beholding.

which is not to say that I think Atelier Olly is like a fake thing he puts on or anything -- it's certainly much closer to the truth than Mr. of the Torch haha. Far nearer the heart of the onion as it were. But. There's a little bit of a lie only a friend would tell to it. Which like… not even a bad, manipulative, always undesirable or entirely unhealthy thing necessarily! There are parts of yourself that have no place in your relationship with your children for example. You don't want to expose them to the rawness of your trauma — that's not their responsibility or within their capacity to hold. As he himself says, there are lessons he’s in no hurry to teach them. It's not inherently an act of deception or sign of ill health in itself to exist in many layers; that’s just being a person. (hey. guess who olly is the main foil for btw. lmao. mr frames within frames of himself logging on to the containing multitudes contest and finding only one credible opponent: his best friend and other half of his soul. Unstoppable force marries immovable object and make a perpetual motion machine of misery out of it to use as life support news at 11.)

continuation to this as requested

Well gee whiz, Qifrey, considering what a magnet for gossip you've always been, I wonder what could have possibly happened in his childhood that made Olruggio Like This???

Like… if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, it’s a “failed” business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you don’t actually want to keep doing that, you’re a “failed” writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, it’s a “failed” marriage.

The only acceptable “win condition” is “you keep doing that thing forever”. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a “real” friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a “phase” - or, alternatively, a “pity” that you don’t do that thing any more. A fandom is “dying” because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.

I’m sure it’s shining such a beautiful white that it’s hard to see, isn’t it?

"I'm going to be the first." He took my palm and held it to his. "Swear it." "Why me?" "Because you're the reason. Swear it." "I swear it,"