Learning to Embrace βLateβ Blooming
Before getting pregnant with my daughter Stokely at 19, I really thought I had it all figured out. As a first generation Ghanian American and an only child I was constantly asked what I would be doing with my life before I could really get a grasp on what I wanted for myself. I had gone through pediatrician, dermatologist, computer engineer, ambassador for the UN, reconstructive plastic surgeon and lawyer all by the age of 14. I picked professions I was positive would make enough income to support my whole family, gain me social status amongst the rather large Ghanian community in our city and most importantly, come with a comprehensive school plan. I was all about planning.
When I found out that I was pregnant, 100% absolute honesty⦠I was devastated. I had not gone to school for any of the supposed passions I hoarded as a child, but I was attending my dream art school, in a city that I was absolutely in love with and my seamless plans were now unhinged.
My partner and I decided, that we would in fact have Stokely, raise her and love her with whatever we had, but in the midst of the transition into parenthood, I battled a lot of demons and regrets. It got to the point where it became unbearable to go through my Facebook timeline and see who was graduating early, Β starting their masters, travelling abroad, getting their first huge internship or shiny new car. I would find myself feeling disappointed that I was still living with my mother on the top of her tiny bridal gown shop with a 2 month old, guilty that I was not appreciative of having the opportunity to at least be with my child and left behind as I watched colleagues of mine hit milestone after milestone with each passing year. I became bitter, ungrateful, jealous, depressed and often times projected these negative feelings onto other people.
Iβm not sure when my wake up call hit, but I decided over time that I had had enough. Living in that negative head space didnβt feel like it would Β get me to where I wanted to be and it personally made my life absolutely miserable. Would it take me longer to get to where a I wanted to be? Sureβ¦ Did this mean my dreams, passions and life were over? Not quiteβ¦
A few things got me out of the gutter and I still use them as coping mechanisms today:
Avoid the Habit of Comparing Yourself
I say habit because I think this is something that becomes ingrained in us. We see someone who has something β a career, a βperfectβ body, a loving partner, expensive clothes, even an entire life that we want and we immediately compare their best to our worst. The internet has made it possible to cultivate a brand and an image that is presentable and almost flawless, but even outside of the internet, we only know what someone has shown us. I grew up being compared to others constantly, by family as a form of motivation and competition, but life is simply not a competition. There is enough room for all of us to thrive. Β By comparing yourself to others you do a disservice to your own growth trying to match what you think others may have. Personally for me, practicing self-care and mindfulness towards what I did have- a loving family, awesome creative beautiful friends, an outlet to release and write, a healthy body, even a clean place to sleep made me appreciate what I did have in my life. Plus, your entire journey is about seeing what YOU can become at your best
Realize Youβre Exactly Where Youβre Supposed to Be Right NOW!
Currently as a stay at home mom watching everyone sometimes whizz by me, Iβm honestly still working on this, but good news is, reminding myself has gotten easier and it gets better when I use this as my personal mantra. Listen to me: You Are Exactly Where Youβre Supposed to Be Right Now. If you dropped out and youβre staying with your parents and trying to figure it out- thatβs just fine! If youβre a parent whoβs at home and you have to put school or work on the back burner to take care of your kid(s) full time, thatβs just fine! If you just graduated from school, but you still canβt find work and things feel tight, or youβre in school trying to juggle depression and anxiety and just trying to pass your class- you have not failed, you are not behind and you are not worthless- you are valuable, you are doing the best that you can at your own pace and you will see it through. Your journey, your struggles and your victories are unique to you. The more time and experiences you have, the more potential you have to learn and to grow- this includes the periods where you feel like youβve crashed into a wall. (Trust me, I have these often)
Life Experiences + Extra Time Can Actually Be Valuable
Β If you find that youβre a late bloomer and youβre not exactly where youβd thought youβd be right now, donβt worry! This extra time- growing space- allows you the window to truly get to know yourself and really center in on figuring out who you are, what you enjoy and what you thrive at. Write down your passions and dreams, take little steps everyday to reaching those dreams (I love to blog and I felt excited at the opportunity to collaborate with my best friend so we started this!) Take up a hobby like cat napping , swimming or sewing. Getting to know yourself, practicing and improving hobbies can be a wonderful way to build solid confidence and enjoy where you are, right now.
Itβs Perfectly Fine To Grieve For Fallen Plans
Grace gave me some really great advice a few months ago when I was truly going through it. She told me to βgrieve what you thought youβve lostβ Crying over past regrets and what could have been is a perfectly normal reaction to new transitions. Allow yourself time to cry, feel sad and be upset- you didnβt expect to be in this weird place! This grieving is wonderful for healing and can help you adjust, heal, Β move on and plan what the next steps for your life are.
Little Victories are Still Victories!!!!!!
Donβt ever sell yourself short or brush aside successes. When things get done, they got done because you put in the effort, be proud of yourself. Even small baby steps have moved you one step further to growth and progress.
Look into Other Late Bloomers!
One of my favorite things to do in replacement to comparing myself to others Β is to read inspiring stories and testimonies of successful people who really struggled to get to where they are now. Iyanla Vanzant for instance, was a victim of abuse, homelessness, and poverty and was able to much later use her experiences as a way to become a world renowned life coach. Toni Morrison didnβt publish her first novel until the age of 40. Oprah was almost 30 when she had just started hosting a local Chicago tv show βAM Chicagoβ Sometimes getting the full scope of someoneβs success, can give you the motivation to push forward.
Change is Inevitable
I really remind myself this every single day. If Iβve learned anything in the past 4 years alone, itβs that life is cyclical and you will have periods of drought and periods of giving rains. When itβs really tough I know that things can change for the better and when Iβm feeling like Iβm on top of the world, it gives me that much more incentive to appreciate it. Β
Know that wherever you are, you can go at your own pace. Taking breaks, going through growing pains, finding yourself and even taking time to heal when you βshouldβ be doing this, that or the other does not necessarily mean that you are anchored down to a life of mediocrity. It is perfectly fine to bloom at your own given time!
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