You show me a hickey the size of my palm on your neck and tell me you hate it and I have no words so I just say
And you ask me to kill you because you hate it and I am crying but not for any reason I find good so I just sayÂ
No. I donât want to. Why should I, anyways?
And you tell me that I should because youâre a dumbass and I ask you
âBecause youâre the only one that understands my weirdness and wouldnât pull this shit.â And I have nothing to say because this is a compliment wrapped in a sucker punch to the stomach and I am doubled over barely breathing.Â
âI like you, you make me comfortable.â Is something you have told me often and I want to believe you I want to believe you I want to believe you and sometimes it feels so hard.Â
âAnd if I said I canât have a hickey youâd probably be fine, not do it anywayâ
Yeah. I say instead of âthis is hell on earth because I love you and I know that I shouldnâtâ
I tell you Iâm upset for no reason because of finals stress and while thatâs somewhat true, we both know thatâs not why Iâm crying. You say
âNo, I feel bad too. If it makes you feel any better, sheâs not coming back.âÂ
I mean, itâs your life and you can do what you want, Iâm not gonna stop you.Â
But what I want to say is
I am so in love with you and I want to be the person leaving hickeys in places no one else can see. I want to be the one fucking you in the middle of the day when you sneak out of your house and your dad doesnât know where you are and I cannot be.Â
I am scared you will never love me like I love you, no matter how many times you try to tell me that one day weâll end up together.Â
I am still scared you will never want me like I want you. I am still so scared that this is how we end: my hands clasped against my stomach as Iâm doubled over on my bedroom floor and crying because I am never good enough I am never good enough I am never good enough.
You tell me you still feel bad and I believe you. I believe you, I do.Â
I am lying to myself and we both know it.Â