Life is certainly Something

* (I'm collecting them.

* (Right now, I'm 1,762 parentheses deep.

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yea lol

For a long fucking time

with why my adderall was having such uneven effects and varying efficacy

and the weird pattern of what made it work and not work and if it was building up in my system or not

and fucking nobody told me I shouldn’t drink a glass of Kool-Aid to take the pills with

or eat fucking Pop-Tarts or Life cereal

this is the most useful information I have ever received from tubr and it seems to be confirmed by several other places upon searching

The Loop - opening and closing the same three websites in succession for 15 minutes at a time before realizing that there’s not going to be anything new or worth doing on those websites (my three are Tumblr, Youtube and Wikipedia)

The Ack - seeing you have a new message and, though you have no evidence that it’s anything even remotely noteworthy let alone negative, feel intense dread and procrastinate looking at the message for 30 minutes/5 hours/a week

The Shimmy - changing sitting/laying positions every 5 minutes because god dammit i’m not going to be able to focus on whatever task i need to do if I feel any unwelcome physical sensation

The Ol’ Razzle Dazzle - making a hot beverage for yourself and then putting it down slightly out of reach and then not drinking it until 45 minutes later when it has already gone cold

The Bellwether - scrolling on Tumblr and getting the urge to google something/look up something on Wikipedia, but you keep scrolling and forget what you wanted to look up so you frantically scroll back to the thing that prompted you to think about looking the other (un)related thing up in the first place

The Bop - earnestly insisting that you’re not anxious because the other person sees your leg bouncing and thinks that you’re about to go postal

The Poison Dart - hearing someone say something problematic out loud and freezing because, while you want to correct them gently, you also feel intense dread and RSD that if you even so much as suggest dissent the person will immediately and commensurately stab you to death or snap their fingers and open a trapdoor to hell beneath you

The Ghost Breath - realizing you haven’t texted your friend back/at all/in 3 weeks and thinking “Hmmm, I need to do that” and then you don’t do it and much more time passes by 

The Stim Package - eating an entire family-sized bag of chips in one sitting because having something to chew on helped you concentrate, at least a little

The Bullfrog - going to get something that you don’t use often but you know exactly where it is and then it’s not there and you just keep going back to that spot 5 more times before realizing you lost it or it’s somewhere else completely different (like, not even in the same building)

The Morning Mist - regularly forgetting what recent life events actually happened and which ones were from extremely vivid dreams

The Seesaw Rivet - feeling like a wounded child who is about to get in trouble during every interaction you have even as you are entering your mid-to-late-20s and genuinely wondering when that pattern is ever going to stop if ever

Tl;Dr People with BPD, ADHD and other disorders have little to no emotional permanence leading to intense distress feelings of being abandoned and meaning they need significantly more reassurance than most.

What is emotional permanence?

Emotional permanence is the similar to object permanence with the “out of sight out of mind” mindset. It’s the ability to understand that something exists even when unable to observe it. So emotional permanence is understanding that emotions still exist even when not being observed.

Many people with BPD and ADHD have a lack of emotional permanence meaning that when the emotional stimuli isn’t present, eg. not being shown love, people being distant etc. Makes it feel as tho they are hated and not loved anymore.

Lacking emotional permanence leads to feelings of despair, distress, anxiety, depression and much more negative feelings whenever away from the stimuli providing these emotions, leading to a lot of the pain and chronic emptiness that that most people with BPD and ADHD experience.

It is also one of the main contributors to the crippling fear of abandonment that people with BPD and ADHD deal with. As with feeling that people don’t love them it leads to feeling like they are being/will be abandoned.

This lack of emotional permanence means these people need more reassurance and comfort from those around them in order to feel loved and safe. This may lead to seemingly “attention seeking” behaviours in order to get that reassurance and comfort from others.

This lack of emotional permanence can also lead to impulsive and reckless behaviours in order to fill that void where the emotions should be. This could include s*x, dr*g abuse, s*lf h*rm and other things all of which can very easily become add!ct!on.

Reassurance is the best way to combat these feelings and help people that deal with this to feel loved, as it reintroduces the stimuli and shows the feelings of love/ other emotions are still there. This is especially helpful when there is a change in communication eg. Slower replies, cancelled plans etc.

*stands up* *sits down* *gets up again* *walks in a circle* *stands up on chair*

apparently, “yesterday” was actually four days ago

apparently, “four days ago” as actually yesterday

I’m not sure if i just walked away in the middle of that conversation or ended it like a normal person because i can’t remember what happened

ok i’ve found my phone, keys, and wallet!  …..where is my phone?

wait–did i just completely interrupt this person or was there a pause? i don’t remember

everyone hates me 

i know you introduced yourself to me 3 times but i cannot remember your name i am so sorry

*sets 17 alarms* *is still late*

*successfully accomplishes one (1) task or gets someplace on time for once* i am a fraud. clearly i do not have adhd and am just faking for attention :’(

procrastinates to initiate Hyperfocus™️

ok get up now *doesn’t move* ok…now! *still doesn’t move* NOW PLS *still doesn’t move*

Leg Bounce™️

“dear professor, i am once again asking for an extension..”

if i don’t do something so blatantly stupid and impulsive right now i am going to explode!!! i don’t care what it is i just need danger and adventure and excitement and uncertainty!!! iasdfghjkhgfdsdkdsd

hey its 1am lets go running through the fields!!!!!!! what do you mean you’re tired???

what up i’m jared im 19 and i never fucking learned how to read

constant confusion. we’re are talking 24/7/365

everyone hates me the sequel

the “two buttons meme” but for every single decision ever no matter how menial