soren with one eye

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She told me she still loves me and doesn't want us to grow apart, but she still rarely gendered me correctly since then.

She outright told me she doesn't like my chosen name and said "[deadname] is better". She told me she is worried I'll suffer with this "choice" I made, I explained that being trans is not a choice, but I chose to be happy, and that means transitioning.

She asked if I wanted to make any changes to my body. I said I wanted to get top surgery, and she said, "But, when you see a girl you like, you like her breasts, no?" I said I do, but just because I like something on someone else, it doesn't mean I want it in my body. She then responded with "But when you date a girl, she'll be a lesbian, and she won't be attracted to you if you cut off your breasts", I said I wouldn't want to date a lesbian, and she said "But no straight girl would be attracted to you, because you don't have the right parts".

That whole conversation was so frustrating, and she told me she'll continue to deadname and misgender me until she's used to the idea of me being trans, that she's still grieving her daughter (the "daughter" she's grieving wanted to die and the son who's right here is finally happy). I understand it takes time for her, but I am so frustrated because I'm struggling to deal with the situation, and I was robbed from coming out my way when I was emotionally ready.

I cannot be out at home because my family would be ostracized, I have a friend (cis bi girl) who is constantly physically abused by her mother because she found out that she has a girlfriend. Shit is not safe for queer people in these villages. I am out to classmates and a few professors at my college in the city where it's more progressive but I am misgendered multiple times a day and deadnamed every now and then even though I have been out at college for over a year. I am always seen as a woman when my professors address my class, "all girls class", "I don't see any men here", "you must know this because all of you are girls". 

I do not pass at all and I have no access to hrt or surgeries that would not involve outing myself (additionally I do not even know if I want to pursue those things because I like my appearance but I do not like being misgendered so ugh). I walk a little faster when cis men follow me and my friends, i have been whistled at before, my friends and I have been recorded by a cis man before, I have been told to do things more like a lady by older women before and been told about how I will someday want to birth children. I do not have male privilege.

The only times I am treated like a man is when I'm told that my family is disturbed by me not wanting to shave my peach fuzz or by wearing men's clothes.

(And that's not even getting super into my ex who accused me of SA for telling her I'm questioning being a trans man after telling her in depth about questioning my gender identity for months. "If you do identify as a man well you sure are acting like one" in response to me blocking her because she didn't want me to break up with her after she said more horrible things to me and also tried to tell me that I'm probably not a trans man bc I don't know if I want to physically transition). I'm tired of Americans talking bullshit, I am only acknowledged or treated like a man when others are trying to shame me and disapprove of my behavior, I do not have male privilege.

Whats worse is that when my younger sibling, who *is* non binary and *does* use they/them, when they came out our parent bullied them back into the closet so badly i think i may be the only person in their life who genders them correctly because it had them give up on telling people. And yet when i tell them im a man suddenly they/them is fine and normal. Fuckwits

It isn't until he overhears a cluster of new parents talking to their pebbles that it clicks. Adrian speaks to him like a child -- not in the talking-down-to-him or patronizing way (at least. not very often.) -- but like he is something precious and fragile, that needs teaching and is worth protecting.