The Hunter's Journal

Hello, my name is Geoffrey(not real name, sorry!) and I've been in the 9-1-1 fandom for more than 3 years now(God time flies ain't it?). And I've been really enjoying each episodes in the past couple of seasons.

The story of BuckandEddie, of Hen ahd Chimney, of Athena and Bobby, Maddie, Albert, Ravi and everyone are just so inspiring and very enjoyable to watch. Each upcoming episode feels like something big to look forward to. They literally give me a reason to wake up and face the day depite of everything that happened so far. 9-1-1 has became an anchor, a lighthouse to steer towards in stormy night. Seeing the way each characters interact and be entwined with each other is something that me and many others wishes we could have.

And the will-they-won't-they thing between Dumbass B(affectionate) and Dumbass E(affectionate) is really fun to watch and really something to look forward to. Although this slow burn is literally had us gnawing our hands off spongebob-style, and the many rescue had us literally on the edge of our couch(almost falling off), it's so beautiful and fun and intense and lovely to watch.

As someone who's recently accepted himself that he might not be as staright as he thought before(never straight at all, actually lol), the story of Buck and Eddie is giving me glimmer feeling of how would a guy fall in love with another guy(speculating, but I do hope they end up toghether!). Because even though I've accepted myself as gay, I'm still in the closet out of fear of someone finding out for me and my family. I live in a rather very religious country(not USA I'm afraid) and the people here can be a bit 'severe' with queer people. So as a closetted gay man, the idea of finding a guy to take to a date is near impossible while living here, and marrying a woman for the sake of 'normality', 'duty' and a 'stable family' feels really wrong, as I don't want to live a lie like that, it's not fair to the woman and me(see that Eddie?? I really feel you here mate). So the will-they-won't-thwy for me is very fun to watch and imagine on how a realtionship like that could blossoming to be.

But Last night, after watching the latest episode(S8E15) I did something stupid, something really really really stupid. I didn't even realized what I did until the morning after. I shouldn't detail wnat happened in short but I really regret doing it But good news I'm still here, still stable, still relatively healthy and currently in a safe and protected space.

I should mention that I suffer from schizophrenia, bipolar and ASD. I was diagnosed back in high school but the symtomps has started since 5th grade(we didn't know abck then my parents just assumed it was the case of 'teen angst'). I'm still on medication, and it has been a long time(almost a year) since my last episode so what happened really shocked me.

When it happened, at first I didn't know why this episode affected me this hard, I've been wacthing many series with MCD, often I could shrug off the shock realtiely easy, but last episode of S8E15 really did a number to me. It messed hard with my head, gave me severe panic attacks among others. Then this morning when I finally wake up I realized it, S8E15 hit me hard because of Bobby Nash reminded me of my dad who passed away 2 years ago.

In many ways Bobby's life and struggle reminds me of my dad's. He also battled addictions(he didn't drink, but liked to gamble and smoke a lot). And seeing Bobby finally decided to toss that book and finally went to get help, it's just like dad you know? After a rather massive natural disaster, the light flipped on in his head, and he immedietally decided to seek professional help and he started getting better and better just like Bobby. And I was feeling proud of him! Just like Buck and May and 118 and others when Bobby stated going to therapy.

In Robert Nash, I see my dad. I see his smile, his courage to change to be better, his fatherly positive attitude even though things were bad and his bravery against all odds that the werld threw on him.

So yeah, I guess it's to be expected, seeing Bobby going down like that gave me flashback to me waiting for dad in the emercgency care. He passed away so soon, he didn't show any serious symptom until late at night, it got so bad that we went to the hospital right away. And unfortunately he passed away in his sleep in the next morning. And seeing the light goes off from Bobby's eyes like that, it's almost mirror when the light left my dad as I couldn't do anything but to watch from the sideline while the nurses tried and failed to resuscitate him.

I don't know why I'm writing all of this, maybe just to get things off my chest? Trying to make sense of everything? maybe a desperate plea for Bobby to come back? I don't know. I wish the showrunners and co. would think twice, three times even four times before doing something drastic like killing off a beloved character because of a sudden "creative idea". I wish they would think of the fans who's been watching them for years, who in their heart already considered these fictional characters almost like a family to them, and how doing something like killing them for the sake of 'drama' and 'creative idea' could really hurt some people. Sorry everyone always told me that I care too much and emphatize much about everything, including fictional characters in a fictional firefighter show.

Well if I could wish for one thing, it's for Bobby's death to be retconned. It has happened many times before in many shows, so I'm certain that this whole thing could be reversed somehow. He's such an important character to the series that his death, while heroic af is just to abrupt and make zero sence ofther than him dying and causeing a whole lot unecessary drama that no one want and the fact that Bobby's death was a "creative decision"? It didn't sit right to me and many others. If I'm not mistaken someone from the crew(maybe it was Oliver?) showed a script of Bobby's actually alive and is buried inside his coffin. That could work right??? It's wild enough and preposterous enough that it would fit in the show, right with the tsunami, truck bombing and the asteroid stuff. So yeah please, if you would, please for the love of God's bountiful mercy please bring Peter back and undo Bobby's death.

So yeah, I strongly wish Bobby woukld come back, and for all of this is just a werid fever dream/hallucination/concussion or others

If his fate is really has been set on stone, well all I could say was thank you. Thank you for making the last 3 years more bearable than ever in my life, especially after dad's passing, I don't know if I could watch the next season, maybe I need time, maybe it's time to drop it off altogether I don't know. And I wish all the actors & actresses, everyone in the production team others the best way forward. Know that at least everything you did so far has really gave this random viewer of yours another reason to fight for day by day.

Okay I rambled a lot so I should end this here, wish you the nbest!

~ Geoffrey(for the love of God it's NOT Jeff)

PS: Ignore the grammar and tenses, english is not my native language and these hand tremors making it hard to type proplery)