Actually Aromantic

Additionally, it is very hard for aromantics to describe things they do not feel but they know exists in other people. I will try, though. Just know that the concept of The Word is foreign to most of us.

First and foremost:

I would say that The Word is something that requires actions, words, aesthetics, etc. in combination with intention and feeling towards someone.

By extension, what it looks like can be dependent on what one is socialized to think it looks like and how they associate it with what they feel or don’t feel.

For example, a hug or a kiss can be considered as such as long as the intention is put behind it but it does not always have to be. It could just be a way to show appreciation or connection with someone without the intention of ‘falling in love’ with them.

Sharing a beautiful setting with flowers and candy can be considered as such if you or your society intends it to be. Otherwise, it could be just a nice day out with a trusted person.

What separates aromantics from alloromantics is the feelings and intentions part of it; not so much the actions, words, aesthetics, etc. themselves that our society may associate with it.

Aromantic people (generally) do not experience these feelings and as a result they either do not intend for their feelings to be expressed in that fashion or they don’t associate their actions with those kinds of feelings.

For example, I never intend for my actions to signify that kind of attraction to another person. If I go out on a ‘date’ (scheduled event) with someone, the only intention I have is to spend time with them as a friend. I cannot feel any other connection.

In English, I also think the difference is expressed well when people say “I love you” versus “I am in love with you.” Intention in combination with those phrases express different feelings or capacities for feeling.

Obviously I’m trying to figure out if I’m aro myself (I already know I’m asexual). It started by my utter confusion over QPR as a term. I was one of those people who was like “… this just sounds like a friendship or a normal romantic relationship to me.” I’m married to a man I love very deeply, but it’s honestly not a different kind of love than that which I hold for my mom or my best friend. Just more intense. 

I think of myself as ‘gay’ but this applies to everyone in my life. I have some non-masculine friends, but I am honestly just more comfortable around men in both friendships and relationships (tbf I’ve only ever had one relationship, and that’s with my current partner). 

I have always believed marriage should be able to be between anyone. Even family members (mostly because I see it as a way to formalize legal boundaries and rights, not to mention access to benefits). 

Honestly the way I currently live with my partner is exactly the way I’d live with any of my close friends. I might be more physically affectionate with my partner but that’s also largely because I’m much more comfortable being physical with men then women in any context. 

All the physical parts of romance: visiting a beautiful place, sharing a meal, unprompted gift giving, cuddling… I do it with all my close friends.

This is why QPR as a term seemed utterly pointless to me. Because how I view my own relationship with my partner is just a slightly more intense version of my close friendships. And everything about QPR just made me think about what I have had with friends in the past and now with my current partner.

QPRs usually involve a certain level of commitment and it is designed to distinguish platonic partnerships from romantic ones. Some feel the need to use it, while others do not. It’s also not exclusive to aromantic people. Anyone can be in a QPR, it just depends on how one wants to define the relationship they’re in. It’s not more or less than a romantic relationship, but it may look similar.

When it comes to engaging in socially defined ‘romantic’ activities, one can do so and still be aromantic. It really just depends on one’s motivations and intentions. For example, an aromantic person in partnership with an alloromantic person may do those things because it makes their partner happy. Or, they might not view those things as romantic personally - they’re things they’d do with anyone.

Alloromantic people seem to have a more intrinsic desire to do things that are coded as romantic, whereas this may be less obvious or necessary to aromantic people. That’s why I use the phrase “in love” for alloromanticism, because they seem willingly immersed in that romantic ‘culture’ whereas aromantic people feel outside of it or it feels foreign and difficult to define.

Love as a desire to bond with others is something not exclusive to alloromantic people, though. Aromantic people may experience other forms of love that they might define as familial or platonic. It’s also possible to not really be able to distinguish these different forms of love, and people who feel that way may define themselves as greyromantic/greyaromantic or even quoiromantic.

Additionally, it is very hard for aromantics to describe things they do not feel but they know exists in other people. I will try, though. Just know that the concept of The Word is foreign to most of us.

First and foremost:

I would say that The Word is something that requires actions, words, aesthetics, etc. in combination with intention and feeling towards someone.

By extension, what it looks like can be dependent on what one is socialized to think it looks like and how they associate it with what they feel or don't feel.

For example, a hug or a kiss can be considered as such as long as the intention is put behind it but it does not always have to be. It could just be a way to show appreciation or connection with someone without the intention of 'falling in love' with them.

Sharing a beautiful setting with flowers and candy can be considered as such if you or your society intends it to be. Otherwise, it could be just a nice day out with a trusted person.

What separates aromantics from alloromantics is the feelings and intentions part of it; not so much the actions, words, aesthetics, etc. themselves that our society may associate with it.

Aromantic people (generally) do not experience these feelings and as a result they either do not intend for their feelings to be expressed in that fashion or they don't associate their actions with those kinds of feelings.

For example, I never intend for my actions to signify that kind of attraction to another person. If I go out on a 'date' (scheduled event) with someone, the only intention I have is to spend time with them as a friend. I cannot feel any other connection.

In English, I also think the difference is expressed well when people say "I love you" versus "I am in love with you." Intention in combination with those phrases express different feelings or capacities for feeling.

This is a common reaction aromantics receive. The assumptions are:

Aromantics can’t experience or feel emotional pain. Thus, our feelings don’t exist or matter.

Aromantics aren’t “evolved” enough to understand the impact of loss, especially relationship loss. 

Aromantics don’t experience relationship loss.

Aromantics are depriving others of an empathetic response they are “deserved,” by being incapable of relating to their romantic issues.

Aromanticism is a unique privilege that shields us from suffering.

These assumptions undermine our feelings, making it easier for people to manipulate and abuse us, all the while making us responsible for their hurt regardless if we have anything to do with their relationship loss.

When facing these reactions, it helps to identify why the reaction hurts you. It is not your job to educate anyone who hurts you, but doing this can prepare you to defend yourself and your feelings. 

It’s hard to understand injustice if you can’t properly label it. None of these assumptions are fair to you or your well-being. The next step may be to validate your feelings and challenge these assumptions.

Aromantics can experience or feel emotional pain. It’s critical to recognize what that looks like and what our needs may be in that situation.

Aromantics understand loss in a different way that isn’t more or less valid than the kind of loss people who aren’t aromantic feel.

Aromantics can experience relationship loss.

Aromantics are often deprived of empathy towards their own feelings and their own losses by people who aren’t aromantic.

Aromanticism is a unique experience that shapes your perspective on the world, but does not make you immune to being hurt. 

Saying your thoughts out loud is a good way to let your friends know how you feel. Saying “hey, my identity is an important part of me” and “hey, I feel pain too” are good ways of defending yourself. 

Relationship loss can come in many non-romantic forms, especially in the loss of a partner, friend, or family member. Being aromantic does not make us immune to these kinds of losses, or the despair that might come with those losses. It’s not fair for people to assume we never have to deal with that.

A lot of romantic experiences are based on “exclusivity,” and thus it’s difficult for a lot of people outside of that to understanding monogamous (heterosexual) pair-bonded romantic relationships.

There’s plenty of overlap between aromantic and polyamorous people when it comes to that, though aromantic people may also desire sexual and/or other forms of non-romantic relationships with multiple partners.

Thus, polyamory - while it seems to center romance from the name - doesn’t necessarily have to be (conceptually) exclusive to people who desire multiple romantic partners or maintaining multiple romantic relationships.

By “This isn’t a far off comparison...” I only meant to add that it’s a common questioning experience that aromantic people have written about before! I added more information for other aromantics to see, because I think that the topic is very interesting. Not that you, specifically, need to be educated on the topic.

A lot of romantic experiences are based on “exclusivity,” and thus it’s difficult for a lot of people outside of that to understanding monogamous (heterosexual) pair-bonded romantic relationships.

There’s plenty of overlap between aromantic and polyamorous people when it comes to that, though aromantic people may also desire sexual and/or other forms of non-romantic relationships with multiple partners.

Thus, polyamory - while it seems to center romance from the name - doesn’t necessarily have to be (conceptually) exclusive to people who desire multiple romantic partners or maintaining multiple romantic relationships.

This is a common reaction aromantics receive. The assumptions are:

Aromantics can’t experience or feel emotional pain. Thus, our feelings don’t exist or matter.

Aromantics aren’t “evolved” enough to understand the impact of loss, especially relationship loss. 

Aromantics don’t experience relationship loss.

Aromantics are depriving others of an empathetic response they are “deserved,” by being incapable of relating to their romantic issues.

Aromanticism is a unique privilege that shields us from suffering.

These assumptions undermine our feelings, making it easier for people to manipulate and abuse us, all the while making us responsible for their hurt regardless if we have anything to do with their relationship loss.

When facing these reactions, it helps to identify why the reaction hurts you. It is not your job to educate anyone who hurts you, but doing this can prepare you to defend yourself and your feelings. 

It’s hard to understand injustice if you can’t properly label it. None of these assumptions are fair to you or your well-being. The next step may be to validate your feelings and challenge these assumptions.

Aromantics can experience or feel emotional pain. It’s critical to recognize what that looks like and what our needs may be in that situation.

Aromantics understand loss in a different way that isn’t more or less valid than the kind of loss people who aren’t aromantic feel.

Aromantics can experience relationship loss.

Aromantics are often deprived of empathy towards their own feelings and their own losses by people who aren’t aromantic.

Aromanticism is a unique experience that shapes your perspective on the world, but does not make you immune to being hurt. 

Saying your thoughts out loud is a good way to let your friends know how you feel. Saying “hey, my identity is an important part of me” and “hey, I feel pain too” are good ways of defending yourself. 

[Image description: a banner that reads “aromantic-official pride month” in stylized fonts. The background is diagonal stripes in the aro flag colors. End ID.]

How do you show your aro pride?

Do you have a favorite item of pride merch? If not, would you like to?

What makes you proud to be aro?

What are you most excited about for pride month?

Share your pride look! Since most pride events have been cancelled, dress up for pride at home!

[ ID: Five images.

1. A background of hand-drawn stars in the aro flag colors. Text in the middle reads: “ ‘I will not have my life narrowed down. I will not bow down to somebody’s else’s whim or to someone else’s ignorance.’ - bell hooks”

2. The aro flag with black text in the middle that reads: “I won’t apologize for who I am”

3. The aro flag with two small arrows, one pointing left and one pointing right. Text reads: “Aro people are valid. Always”

4. The demiaro flag with black text in the middle that reads: “I won’t apologize for who I am”

5. A background of light- and dark-green elbow macaroni shapes. Text in the middle reads: “ ‘If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.’ - Audre Lorde” ]

February 16th: Visibility - Share a photo or drawing of yourself with arrows, roadsigns, or pointers, whether ones you made yourself or that you find. (link)

#Aromantic

Many of you may remember that in 2019 the hashtag #asexual was trending on Tumblr. So far in April and September I have tried to get “Aromantic” trending. Unfortunately, these two efforts did not work. People didn’t have a chance to prepare or know about it. I’d really like to get #aromantic trending so here’s round 3!

There were also people concerned that there isn’t a lot of notice, but to a certain extent that’s the intent. Think of this kinda like a flash-mob. This should be aided by the fact that it’s also aromantic awareness week!

Who: Everyone! It doesn’t matter if you are aromantic, a positivity blog, LGBTQ+, or anything. All are welcome to participate!

What: This is an effort to get #aromantic trending. You can contribute by creating posts and using #aromantic as well as reblogging other posts, especially from aro people!

These post can be a wide range of things, they can be positivity, art, pride edits, informative, memes, or other various things. As long as they are relevant to aromanticism and have the #aromantic, you’re good!

*Please be sure all posts are relevant to aromanticism or the aro spectrum.

Where: Tumblr, but I’m sure posting stuff on other sites wouldn’t hurt.

When: February 16-17th, 2020 (You can start scheduling posts now though!)

Why: There’s a lot of reasons why, but one of the biggest is that quite honestly, we leave out aromantic people. They are spoken over, they do not receive the same recognition that asexual people do, I’ve seen both through my experiences and surveys that they are less likely to be included in the community. They have different stigmas attached to them.

There’s also an issue of people posting things that are said to be “aspec” but only apply to aces or things tagged as #aromantic that only apply to ace people. We need to start giving recognition to aromantic people.

In addition to this visibility is extremely important. You might assume that this hashtag trending is a worthless endeavor. But in many ways it’s not - it opens the door to learn about a term and learn about themselves. Just the other day I mentioned aromantic to someone, and after explaining it to them, they said “hey, that sounds like me.” It starts a conversation that could be eye-opening for many people.

*This is by no means all that should be done for the aro community, but positivity never hurts.