roughly nine years ago, Pete Wentz posted this on his Instagram alongside pics of the new stage gear for Wintour:
this was posted just days before I got diagnosed with chronic depression at 14, when I thought my life was over, and there would be no hope for a future I’d spent my whole childhood dreaming of. I missed this post at the time due to, y’know, the horrors of it all, but just days later, on March 9th, 2016, Pete said the words, “death loves you, break its heart” live at my Wintour show- my first Fall Out Boy show.
from that moment on, “death loves you, break its heart” practically became the mantra of my teenage years and my young adult life. every time I felt like it was so over, I would hear that click in my head, and remember that it’s up to me to break deaths heart and wake up tomorrow and know it could be better. and it has been better. almost every time.
I moved to LA, my dream city, five months ago today, and just two weeks into living here, I met Pete for the first time, and hoped that I could tell him how much those words changed my life. but, I got too nervous, and beat myself up about missing my only chance to do that- until a little over a month ago, I found that it would in fact, not be my only chance.
I attended Pete Wentz tennis club and told him this time, and asked if he could write those words for me so I could get them tattooed in his handwriting. he told me, “I don’t love the idea of people getting my handwriting tattooed, but I’ll still write it for you if you can find a marker.” he was surprised that I had a marker and sticky note ready to go for him to write it, which he kindly laughed at, and then wrote those words for me:
out of respect for his wishes, I won’t be getting them tattooed, but I still have this sticky note hanging up in my room so I can look at those words every time I feel like it’s so over again. so I can wake up every day and know that it will be better. if only 14 year old Alaska would know that this would all happen about a decade later, maybe she wouldn’t have had to break death’s heart so much 💙
