ginevra

But for some reason ADHD is like… Trivialized? Like it is a mild inconvenience that only has a real effect in school. Maybe it’s because it’s not usually life threatening, or because it’s not visible, but I have known that I have had ADHD for 12 years. I am only now understanding the impact it has on my life. My ADHD effects every aspect of my life. I think it’s more impactful than my anxiety disorder. (It may be the cause of my anxiety disorder but we will not even think about that aspect rn).

My ADHD is not a quirk, it’s not just a school problem, it’s not a kid problem, it doesn’t mean I’m hyper and spacey all the time, it’s not any of that.

My brain functions in a fundamentally different way from a NT brain. My social life, academics, memory, interests, confidence, and so much more are directly affected by this. And I never even knew.

I spent years reading self-help books trying to “fix” my problems with emotions, spending, and relationships. Sometimes I’d even look up diagnostic criteria for various disorders to see if any fit. Everything for ADHD was usually focused solely on how it affects kids and their education, so it never clicked that it may be my problem. Nothing ever talked about the emotional dysregulation and the pure rage that frustration can generate. Nothing talked about how impulsiveness can became impulsive spending and bad driving habits in adulthood. Nothing talked about how disorganization with school stuff and messy rooms becomes mismanaged finances and cluttered homes in adulthood.

It makes me so angry that I went for so long without any help. All because the people around me, even as a child, placed all the responsibility and blame squarely on my shoulders and told me it was my problem to fix. That rage doubles when people try to say it isn’t disabling or that serious of a condition. Part of my current unemployment is due to not being as organized, productive, and timely as NT. A large part my anxiety around driving is because I know I’m easily distracted and that distraction can cause accidents. Hell, the only reason I can knit now is because I’m on Strattera. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to sustain interest long enough to complete a project, maintain focus to prevent mistakes, or be organized enough to have everything I need. Even on Strattera I have problems, but they’re more easily managed and my emotions don’t flare-up like they used to.

Yet I still get people, doctors even, that give me weird looks when they find out I’m Strattera for ADHD. I’m terrified someone will try to yank it from me because it’s a large reason why I’m doing better mentally and emotionally. I’m terrified of going back to what I was dealing with before. I like being able to manage my life. I like having evened out emotionally responses. I like being able to do my hobbies. I seriously can’t do that without Strattera. I tried once after my medication ran out after we moved last time. It was hell.

Friends, family members and loved ones of learning disabled and mentally ill people need to have a working knowledge of what Executive Dysfunction is, and respect the fact that it is a prominent feature of that person’s psychology and life.

Executive Dysfunction is best known as a symptom of autism and ADHD, but it also features in depression, anxiety disorders schizophrenia, OCD (which by the way is also an anxiety disorder), personality disorders; etc, a whole myriad of mental illnesses and disabilities can result in executive dysfunction.

Years ago when I was like 14 and had recently learned of my autism diagnosis, I watched a youtube interview between autistic people, and an autistic woman said something along these lines:

“Sometimes, a lightbulb will burn out, but I cannot change it. I have the physical capability to change the lightbulb, and I want to change the lightbulb, and I know I need to do it, but because of my autism I just don’t do it. So the lightbulb remains unchanged for weeks. Sometimes people have to change the lightbulb for me.”

When she said that I related so much, because constantly throughout my whole life I have wanted and needed to do things with my wanting and needing being akin to my spurring an extremely stubborn horse who refuses to move. For the first time I learned that I wasn’t just “lazy”, I had a condition that prevented me from doing things as easily as other people can, but unfortunately it took me years since then to understand that.

Imagine that you are a horserider, but your horse is entirely unwilling to move even if you want to move. You dig in your heels, you raise the reins, but the horse refuses to respond. Your wants and needs are the rider, and your executive functions (the parts of your mind responsible for getting things done) are the horse.

Executive function is such a fundamental and yet hidden trait.  It is in charge of reasoning, flexibility, problem solving, planning, and execution/prioritization of necessary steps in any action.

Each task is never one task.  Take changing the lightbulb - from beginning to end, it’s a series of steps that must be put in proper order:

Notice light bulb is burnt out.

Recognize that it can be fixed by putting in a new light bulb

Remember where new light bulbs are stored

Go to light bulb storage area

Select new one

Find stool or chair to stand on

Take out old bulb, put in new one

Screw in bulb

Replace chair or stool to previous spot

Throw away old bulb

That’s not even all of them, but it’s a good enough summary for now.  There are hidden stumbling blocks in every single step. 

A burnt out bulb may go unrecognized as a problem - there’s two other bulbs in the room, it’s a little dimmer, so what?  It might take all three burning out before you see it as a problem.

Maybe you forgot where the bulbs are, because it’s been a while.  Searching the house is a task you put off, because it’s messy/disorganized/big/you have other more pressing matters.  The bulb can wait.

You find the bulb storage, but you’re out of new ones.  You have to shop.  You’re busy, you put it off until the next time you shop, by which time you’ve forgotten you need a light bulb.  Repeat cycle.

You’ve been depressed for a while, or maybe you’re just a messy person.  A stack of important documents is on the chair you’d use to stand on to get to the bulb.  You know if you move those documents you’ll forget where they are, and it’s tax stuff/homework/your mom’s birthday card, and you can’t forget that.  The bulb gets put aside until you deal with those things.  But you don’t want to deal with them now, so the bulb waits.

Throwing out the bulb requires safe disposal so that you don’t break it and accidentally cut yourself, or someone else in your home.  You have no idea how to safely dispose of it.  You put off changing the bulb until you figure out what to do with the old one.

On and on and on.  Each step requires problem solving, prioritization, and reasoning.  These are the hidden processes that go on in our minds every single moment of every day.  Difficult tasks build up, compounding the problem of completing others, until each action requires ten more before you can solve the minor problem you started with.  Changing a light bulb ends in a night of doing your taxes.  Doing the dishes ends in standing in the dish soap aisle at the grocery story for a half hour trying to figure out which soap to buy for the dishwasher.

When a simple action requires the same effort from you as the most complex, abstract problem-solving…. to put it mildly, you’re fucked.  Every day tasks require exhausting mental gymnastics.

The way I see it, your Hogwarts house is  a combination of your values and who you are. These two traits can be hard to reconcile sometimes, so I think an easier way to think about it is in terms of motivation. What is your usual goal in life, and in your actions? And in terms of motivations, I think they can be classified in four different ways.

You’re either self-motivated or community-motivated, and you’re either pragmatic or idealistic.

So the four types would be:

Self-motivated pragmatic (what works out best for me? Ambition, cleverness, practicality)

Self-motivated idealistic (does this fit the way I see myself? Self-expression, intelligence, abstract thought)

Community-motivated pragmatic (what will make the most people happy? Harmony, peace, self-sacrifice)

Community-motivated idealistic (is this right or wrong? Morals, ideals, bravery)

[The Slytherin common room. Tom Riddle sits in an armchair with a quill and his small diary.]

TOM RIDDLE … Hmm let’s see.

I’M TODDLER. Nope.

TRIED MOLD. No.

LORD T-DIME. Lol. No.

*sigh*

Maybe I need more letters. TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE.

MARVEL DILDO MOTOR. DEFINITELY not.

VOMITED DOLL ARMOR. Ugh.

LORD … VOMIT … No! I like “Lord” though … Ooh! I can take this I and this A and this M and get “I am Lord.”

I AM LORD … DOLTMOVER

OVERT MOLD

VOT … MOLDER … Not working. V is cool though. V is sexy.

VOL … METROD …

VOLDETROM … Kind of neat. I’ll ask the other lads what they think.

Gryffindor/Gryffindor:

Hufflepuff/Gryffindor:

Gryffindor/Slytherin:

Ravenclaw/Gryffindor:

Hufflepuff/Hufflepuff:

Hufflepuff/Ravenclaw

Hufflepuff/Slytherin:

Ravenclaw/Ravenclaw:

Slytherin/Ravenclaw:

Slytherin/Slytherin:

So it’s 3AM and It’s just occurred to me that the most telling scene in the entire Harry Potter franchise is the scene following the announcement of the participants of the Triwizard tournament.

When Harry’s name is pulled out of the cup, literally one of the first things he is asked is “did you ask an older boy to put your name in the cup for you?“ or something to that effect, insinuating that, that was something nobody prepared for and that it was something that totally would have worked if anyone had been smart enough to figure it out.

However, in an earlier scene a student is turned into a hundred year old man when they try to artificially age themselves with a potion and put their name into the cup. Meaning someone trying to dangerously age themselves with potion they aren’t familiar with was something the teachers genuinely considered to be more likely than someone asking for fucking help from another student.

In other words, the wizards in Harry Potter’s world are so reliant on magic that it doesn’t occur to anyone save for people like Harry that asking for help is even an option in a given situation. This explains why wizards are so fucking ass-backwards at everything, they’re so confident that their magic is capable of doing everything for them that it has never occurred to fucking anyone that perhaps asking for help from the muggle world might be of some use.

Think about it, the wizarding world hasn’t changed in hundreds of years while in that same space of time the muggle world has figured out fucking space travel. I know it’s a cliché to say to say someone could have fucking shot Voldemort, but seriously, somebody totally fucking could have, he killed like 50 people, he was effectively a terrorist, if anyone in the wizarding world bothered to ask for help from the muggles instead of just telling them there was an invisible asshole flying around shooting death curses at everyone, they may have been able to help. 

Pretty much the only reason Voldermort thinks he’s better than muggles is because he’s able to kill them with impunity using magic, something he’s only able to do so easily because muggles don’t understand what magic is. Voldemort is basically like a fucking disease, he’s an invisible, lurking entity preying on mankind from the shadows like a cowardly piece of shit. You know what else did that? Smallpox and we stomped that to death the second we understood it. That’s the difference between muggles and wizards, when muggles don’t understand something, they figure it out.

And here’s the kicker, the only reason muggles don’t understand magic at all is because the wizarding world deliberately withholds information about it. However, even if the wizarding world kept doing that, it’d only be a matter of time until a muggle figured out what magic was and how to stop or harness it because that’s what humanity does, it pushes past what we think is impossible to see what’s on the other side. We didn’t understand the sun as a species originally and now we use it to power satellites and smartphones.

The wizarding world isn’t a realm of infinite possibilities, it’s a universe of strict limitations where boundaries are never questioned. The muggle world is where the real magic happens. That’s why during the course of the Harry Potter books, which are set between 1991 and 1998, the muggle world (our world) discovered dark matter, cloned a sheep and invented fucking MP3s while the wizarding world were literally paying some dipshit to figure out what the purpose of a rubber duck was.

by showing james as an eternal bully, as someone who didn’t change, as someone who never truly cared for lily as a human being but as a “prize” that he strived to win, disrupts the narrative that defines lily evans– choice. 

dismissing james’ character growth implies that lily evans would change her morals and standards because of shallow reasons like james’ quidditch skill or popularity. snape apologists love to portray james as an eternal bully and as someone who never became anything more than his actions in snape’s worst memory. they ignore james’ role in the order of the phoenix and as lily’s final protector– they portray a james who is controlling and manipulative, a james who is two-faced in how he acts around lily and how he truly is around snape. in turn, they portray a snape who knows more and understands james potter better than lily ever would. they portray a lily who is duped by james, deceived by his charm and his skill.

you really think lily evans, who was only ever known to be kind and vivacious and loving and brave, would be that shallow?? you think lily “you make me SICK” evans would marry a james potter who didnt mature? you honestly want to argue that lily evans would know less about james than severus snape? 

lily evans’ entire character can be defined by choice. lily “chose” magic over petunia, lily chose to stand by snape in their early friendship at hogwarts, lily chose to end that friendship. lily chose to love james potter. lily chose to fight. lily chose to die.

to disregard james potter’s characterization is to disregard lily’s agency as a character. to place severus snape in the role of victim is to disregard lily’s actual place in that seat, a victim of prejudice and violence and a victim of snape’s own betrayal. lily was not the one to turn her back on snape– he betrayed her the day he delved into the dark arts and the day he internalized the idea that muggleborns were inferior. 

Hufflepuff is tea and sweaters. Hufflepuff is punching someone in the face because they need to shut up, calm down, or get the sense knocked into them. Hufflepuff is spring, seeing winter melting away and basking in the sunlight. Hufflepuff is singing loudly to Journey and Queen. Hufflepuff is having the messiest room and yet knowing exactly where to find everything. Hufflepuff is “there’s no such thing as too much chocolate”. Hufflepuff is one too many glasses of champagne so the world feels like sunshine. Hufflepuff is honestly not giving a damn what anyone else thinks. Hufflepuff is prank wars that spiral out of control. Hufflepuff is getting shit done while everyone else argues. Hufflepuff is refusing to fit into the mold, which results in hufflepunks. Hufflepuff is staying up till three am to talk someone out of depression, out of suicide, out of something stupid, convincing them how amazing and how loved they are. Hufflepuff is loyalty, is true friendship, not the plastic My Little Pony stuff but the true friendship. Hufflepuff is the first ones to get Netflix running at Hogwarts, despite magical interference. Hufflepuff is loneliness, is the intense desire for friendship. Hufflepuff is having to deal with derision and scorn. Hufflepuff is loyalty placed in the wrong ideal, loving the wrong person. Hufflepuff is drowning in emotions that bring panic attacks.

Ravenclaw is winter peace and blizzards. Ravenclaw is the beauty of white snow against evergreens and a baby blue sky. Ravenclaw is the sharpness and cutting edge of a cold breeze, the glint of a metal blade. Ravenclaw is the silence of a library, lost completely in a world of ink and screens and words. Ravenclaw is a glass of wine and an old friend. Ravenclaw is martial arts and street smart. Ravenclaw is always asking why. Ravenclaw is pages filled with writing and doodles and diagrams. Ravenclaw is telling dirty jokes in code so no one can tell why you’re laughing so hard you can’t breathe, and the teacher can’t read the notes you were passing in class. Ravenclaw is failing a class because you couldn’t be bothered to read or do homework, it was too boring and you had other things. Ravenclaw is challenging the status-quo and saying “there’s always another option”. Ravenclaw is citrus and a stash of junk food that you always seem to eat right away. Ravenclaw is learning a new language because you want to. Ravenclaw is an innocent face that can hide the dirtiest mind. Ravenclaw is a pile of books that you’ll read - you will, you promise - one day. Ravenclaw is looking up and saying “hell, when did it get to be three thirty AM”, and you have classes in five hours but decide that staying up another half hour won’t hurt. Ravenclaw is love that happens slowly, like creeping ivy, till one day you wake up and realize it’s ensnared you tightly and you wouldn’t have it any other way. Ravenclaw is addiction, to coffee, to drugs, to sweets, anything to get that clarity and that swooping feeling. Ravenclaw is coldness, is locking away resentment to fester, is “revenge is a dish best served cold”. Ravenclaw is shutting up and never ever asking for help, because you’re smart enough, capable enough to handle it. Because you have to.

Gryffindor is summer, cloudless blue skies and endless green fields. Gryffindor is adrenaline highs and truth or dare. Gryffindor is bright red lipstick and cologne that makes heads turn. Gryffindor is parties that go all night. Gryffindor is fireworks exploding in the sky. Gryffindor is standing up to anyone, friend, foe, or stranger, to tell them they’re wrong. Gryffindor is throwing your friend a beer and jumping on their lap to take a nap. Gryffindor is the love of horror games. Gryffindor is steak and burgers, Gryffindor is spicy curry. Gryffindor is taking the risk, making the leap, no matter the odds. Gryffindor is raising your hand in class. Gryffindor is passionate love, whether it be romantic, platonic, or otherwise, that sees no difference in a hand picked wildflower and a diamond necklace as long as it makes the recipient happy. Gryffindor is defending, even if it’s defending someone you hate against someone you love, because Gryffindor stands up for what is right. Gryffindor is recklessness, the uncontrollable emotion, the carelessness with laws and rules. Gryffindor is choosing the ‘morally correct’ option even if it means more are hurt. Gryffindor is solving things brashly, physically, and only making everything worse.

Slytherin is fall evenings, the air crisp but not cold, the setting sun revealing autumn beauty before darkening to show a million billion stars in the indigo inky sky. Slytherin is when the air smells like cloves and cinnamon and smoke from the crackling bonfire. Slytherin is apple pie with vanilla ice cream. Slytherin is a glass of golden scotch. Slytherin is finding comfort in jeans and a leather jacket, dying your hair and tattoos that are like artwork. Slytherin is pride in your heritage, in what it took to get you here. Slytherin is the warm blossom of accomplishment in your chest. Slytherin is tall boots and long scarves. Slytherin is the person you’d trust with anything and everything, the one you love above all else, the one you’d kill for. Slytherin is not being afraid of the dark, but remembering that night heals. Slytherin is musky forests and the steady soothing rainfall. Slytherin is sarcasm and wit. Slytherin is determination in the face of fear. Slytherin is talking your way out of situations to keep those you love safe. Slytherin is the love that shows itself quietly from day to day, with quiet brushes and unsaid favors, but that rears up in fury to defend if necessary. Slytherin is the dark side, the morally ambiguous, the race to the finish line for whatever it is you desire, shoving others aside because you have to. Slytherin is locking yourself in a shadowed corner and curling up, because it’s too much… it’s too much… and wiping the tears and standing anyway, head held high because you can’t stop now, and you can’t show weakness.

Hufflepuffs are not weak. Ravenclaws are not heartless. Gryffindors are not arrogant. Slytherins are not evil.