I have just realized this just now but currently, I have no group of people that I feel much comfortable to say that I am with them. It is not that I am willing to just join them in whatever endeavor that they are pursuing because I am rather dandy with it. It is just that I am not sure of whether certain people whom I would say are in my circle, consider me in theirs. It is such a harsh feeling to experience. Back in 8th grade, 9th grade or even the beginning of 10th, I had my own circles. Whether it is the Good Kids in eighth grade, two 9th and two 7th in ninth grade or the band in 10th. I consider those people circle because I was at ease from rejection when Iâm with those groups. I feel that I was in control of my behavior more. Although self-contradicting, as in the facts that my behavior might be governed by the social circles, I think I can be free and true to myself when I am with them, sarcastic, being goofy, laughing naturally, etc. all of those fun stuffs. In the end of tenth grade, I felt rather separated from my usual pairings. Maya, Howon, Yuniba, Juno were distancing themselves from the others and why would I get in the way of that. I understood the feelings of being a couple now, in a sense, Â and also the feelings of others when couples are around. They became undoubtedly uncomfortable despite of the fact that both of the couples are your closest of friends. However, the couple donât mind shit. They just donât care about whether you are there or not, unless you show noticeable trace of loneliness or dissatisfaction. They are rather cooped up within their own sphere of lovey-dovey moments, when they are with their partner, of course. When separated, each person becomes much more tolerable, and they possess the initiative of being someone who doesnât only focus on their partner but also care about their friends. However, having trusting relationships with a single person or two people within a group, doesnât necessarily mean that you are part of it. Say I can say with some amount of certainty that I can trust Yuya and Marcie but that doesnât make me a part of their group. Say I am friend with Maya and Yuniba but it doesnât mean that they really care whether I am there or not, since each of them got their own. I do wonder what will happen to Yuniba now, once Juno had left. I would certainly want to observe the visible changes that will happen to her. Letâs do some speculation about the future, what will the lunch table looks like in the future. Maya will seat with Howon and Yuniba will be third wheeling, and I will only be there sporadically since you can say that I have grown out of that group and have became rather tired of Maya and Yuniba. Maya is a sincere person and we would get along in the sense that together we might have power to accomplish things within school since we both have been there for quite some time. However, you can say that I do not agree with Mayaâs philosophy? Perhaps that is a strong word to say and perhaps that might be false since I might be very well be jealous of hersâ philosophy and how that have led her to a more successful life than mine, quite objectively. Sheâs got this philosophy of knowledgeable pristineness but also when to have fun and when to be serious. To be honest, I havenât made that distinction yet, my life is fun but like my father said, it needs to come into shapes(by making plans of course). Itâd seem as if sheâs got her life planned out for her and she follows that philosophy and plan quite tightly and of course, there are changes and waves midway, but still, she is quite someone. Despite of that, it doesnât mean that I can stand her. Sure, talking to her might still be fun and making fun of her wonât stop giving me laughs but her tendency to disregard people and superficially or not. I know that she is a kind person and I know I wouldnât be bored talking to her(ever), but it doesnât mean anything because the opposing party might still get hurt from it. Also, one thing I noticed is that I have lost interest in her life. I simply does not care and simply does not have interest to know much more about her now, hence the lack of interest of actually talking to her. Does it make me a shallow person, may be, but I still trust her with certain conversations, itâs just that she will not be my first choice if I need to confide. That is one thing though, I have never clearly, clearly stated my feelings to Maya. I have never straight out:Â âWill you give me advice on this personal crisis that I am havingâ. Now, about Yuniba...I really donât feel much for her now. You can say I have certain negative feelings about her that I canât rid of. She is just so...inefficient. Sure, she is good at certain things like treating people well and make them feel welcoming but I just canât stand her behavior anymore. I think she is one of the reason why I am at a state of complacence. I know that she is smart since she had shown behaviors of that and I am sure that sheâs got great genes from her parents. However, it doesnât change the fact that I am too used to her being this person. I am too used to that bad parts of her that I was appalled when I could compare her with people who came from other schools. Yuniba is not putting much effort into things that have significant values(to me) and I am really not in favor of that. Also, she is not someone who can do things on her own. Now I know that nobody can, but at least she need to take affirmative actions in her own life and to be really honest, I havenât really seen that in her. I am fully aware of the positive qualities that these two possess but I donât want to stay in my comfort zone and I am very much itching to get out of it and perhaps I already did. However, leaving the comfort zone had lead me to a strange place. I am a lot more open about my feelings that I was in 9th grade, I truly converse with my surroundings much more than I did in 9th grade and I think that it is a good thing. Perhaps I am being too self-centered when I say that my conversation and behavioral patterns had categorized me in a gray zone. I try to debate and be intellectual similar to Gaston and Maya yet I am not as sincere and open hearted as Gaston and not as coordinated and pristine like Maya. I joke and throw sarcastic comments around similar to Amira yet, I have more confidence and not as discrete as her plus I believe I am on the happier(for the lulz) side of the coin. I have similar interests to Sarah and perhaps share the creativity and part of contents of speech(drawn to dark, weird stuffs) yet I am not as dedicated as she is and does not go one more step like she does. Iâm louder and more excited than Juno yet less decisive and slower reflex compare to his. I might do something similar to Allen but I am cooler about it and create an image for myself to not seem creepy. Perhaps the thing here is that I am not invested enough in all of my pursuits, relationships and studies. Perhaps if I do, I would garner a much clearer version of myself and would be know for something within the class. I have to create a brand for myself, something positive and would remind people fondly of me. In order to have a group of friends, I need to know which group I belongs to first.Â
Also I really hate to say this but why am I having this weird idea that Yuya âlikesâ me. I would never say this to anyone but myself but I do half hope that it is true. The reason for this assumptions is that, she invites me to go to places, places where she would normally just go with only Sarah and Sean. Plus she engages in conversation with me about going to places,etc... She sat and talked with me throughout the whole film and we laughed together. She asked me whether she could go on a bus with me to go home(hikarigaoka). The ultimate thing was that she asked me about a scenario, whether I would abandon my girlfriend for a person whom I talked to a lot and seems to know me better than the girlfriend. I would still love the girlfriend but the feeling is growing thin and what would I do the situation. Am I right to say this might be her situation. I really donât want to think so. I didnât regret it when I answer truthfully (no but have some measures) though because, well, I need to be true to myself for a conversation to go really well.  May be she asked this just in case she actually feels this way and strings me along to see if she actually do or not. I donât think Yuya likes me romantically. I saw that she was still talking to Scott and that was something. I mean, I am 80% sure that Sean have feelings for Yuya(and clearly thinks this is the right chance to go for her since the absence of Scott) while I am 10% sure that Yuya likes me(a very unlikely scenario, since I just donât think I am her type, it is just that we talked a lot sometimes so).