An Ace Bandaging Hearts

“I know it’s a bad idea but they’re so hot, you know?”

So I started thinking, where have I seen a GOOD portrayal of sexual attraction? I mean, as far as my dumb asexual ass can tell. But I feel like so many people on the asexuality spectrum spend a lot of time trying to figure out wtfff sexual attraction even is, (A joke, right?? Right??), that maybe some examples would be helpful.

Enter the rooftop scene of Superman 1978 and Margot Kidder’s brilliant performance.

As a kid, I always wondered why Lois Lane was so silly and flustered in this scene. I mean, I get being star struck, but she’s a journalist!

But now, after much research, I can appreciate that this Lois Lane is pushing through a degree of sexual attraction that I can only imagine.

I mean, if Mr Christopher Reeve Superman Himself smiled at me all flirty like that, I’d probably start sweating and wondering if this is It. And here’s an allo-allo woman powering through enough thirst to drain the Great Lakes and remembering to ask questions that aren’t “does that stupid outfit have a zipper or what?” Iconic.

And it’s not something I personally have experienced more than… maybe twice? So yeah, still ace…

- Someone wishes me a happy Hanukkah? Sweet! Happy Hanukkah to them too!

- What are my plans for the Lunar New Year? I don’t really celebrate, but is anyone else doing something special?

- Someone can’t come to lunch because it’s Ramadan? I’m so sorry I forgot! Is there some other time or activity that would be better?

- I’m invited to a Holi event? What does it involve? We’re going to throw colors at people? Awesome.

And while there is something to be said about social/cultural expectations, especially for minority religions or experiences, my point is that I don’t want to be bitter or angry or frustrated. My raging against people getting a nice meal or buying sexy undies isn’t going to do anything productive, no matter how weird it can feel to be asexual, aromantic, or even just single in an avalanche of pink and red hearts.

My friend was trying to make me feel better. She looked at me with huge, sympathetic eyes, and said in a voice full of hopeful resilience, "Don't worry, you'll find someone too."

I responded intelligently with, “Ehhh?” My first thought was to cry out, "What in the compulsory heterosexuality?" But I love my friend, and she loves me, so I decided that was… aggressive.

Finding a man to marry is incredibly important to her. Like, she's pursuing True Love with all the Type A ferocity of Captain Ahab high off of color-coding highlighters. I spent the weekend nodding along to her exposition on the ratios of men to women, subdivided by education levels, in various cities.

I, on the other hand, have been on one (1) date since figuring out I'm ace, and honestly, my life has been much improved by not bothering to look for a romantic relationship. Am I aro? Current answer: dunno, don’t care. And I love ace discourse and culture for helping to reassure me that it's all okay.

I’ve been on fanfiction.net for the first time in more than a decade, gobbling up fics from a rather small fandom, and I encountered a phenomenon that I had blissfully forgotten about.  

Maybe you’ve seen it too. Character A is proclaiming his undying love for Character B, “the man who was his whole world, without whom life would cease to have all meaning, whose smile made him feel warm and fuzzy inside.” Then boom, “his brother, in all but blood.” 

I have brothers. I love them very much. However, this “brotherhood” is a giant red “no-homo” sign slapped on what is otherwise a very romantic scene.  And totally harshing my late night fanfic vibe.  

I used to cringe when some part of me agreed with comments that insisted, “Not everything has to be sexual.”  (I mean, I was ace even before I figured it out).  But now the whole situation makes me doubly mad.  First, because it clearly comes from a homophobic place.  And second, because it robs the world of more interesting stories about asexuality, found family, and romance. 

Actual sibling-type relationships are fascinating!  In my mind, it comes from people having a formative experience together, and the complex feelings that come from it.   

Romantic relationships that aren’t sexual are fascinating!  It opens the door to explore the intersection of societal expectations, individual needs, and what it means to feel romantically toward someone. 

Not everything *does* have to be sexual, and fanfiction is a glorious wide-open field for expression. But it would be great if writers didn't try to asexual their way out of queerness.  Because guess what?  It won’t work.  We’re queer too ;) 

Anyways, until next time,

I frequently thank my parents for wandering into the Episcopal Church because it’s saved me from some serious crises of faith. And, even better, my parish was the first place where I encountered gay, lesbian, and trans people just living out our shared values of love and helping others.

So, fortunately, the awkwardness wasn’t a prejudiced thing, and for that I give thanks. So many Christian churches police sex in a way that hurts people. And I personally don’t think that Jesus would be okay with that.

Anyways, it was Pride, and the church was doing a whole celebration, so I wore a t-shirt I have which is four aces in black, purple, grey, and white. (Side note: Have y’all seen how much Pride stuff is on Etsy?? It’s dangerous to my monthly budget). My [family I don’t live with but who go to the same church] knew what it was and said they were proud, but otherwise it either slipped under the radar or people dgaf.

Except for the priest.

He and [family member 1] had been beefing, and his sermon touched on topics that [family member] disagrees with him on. Strongly. So, I knew [family member 1] was pissssed.

Somehow, we ended up in the handshake line (receiving line? Awkward post-COVID wave line? Your-sermon-was-great-line?) and face to face with the priest.

100% knowing that he had pissed off [family member 1] he was very *heyyy, finger guns, u ok?* And [family member 1] was all, “I’m fine.” You know, like a liar. And I’m watching this drama like 😲

Then the priest goes, “And we’ve got the whole family [family member 1], [2], and the gambler.” Seeing my grimace, he backtracked. “Um, does it have a meaning?”

And, I, being not totally used to explaining myself, say, “some people like girls, some people like guys, and some of us..” I then pointed both thumbs at myself like “THIS GUY!!” and said, “and some of us aren’t terribly into anyone.”

The priest nodded, and we finally made our escape. But the awkward exchange wasn’t over. No, that evening I found an email in my inbox, subject line “four aces.” In it, the priest said that he was sorry in case I wasn’t ready to share that kind of personal information and he was concerned about [family member 1] and all this mea culpa stuff.

So, I emailed him back saying that I wouldn’t have worn the shirt if I wasn’t ready to discuss it, and that [family member 1] was in charge of their own responses. Done and dusted.