Attempting To Adult

Running away to Nevada on Saturday for a week (maybe more) with my bestie. Hoping I can rest & reset, maybe actually eat? Between having the flu & the anxiety spike from being broken up with I’ve lost almost 10 lbs in 2 weeks. And while in a super fucked up way I’m happy to be in striking distance of my goal weight, my already pathetic booty is super sad to see.

Welp, definitely was the rebound. Took my lunchtime walk late today & ran into him on the path kissing another girl. No wonder he didn’t see a future with me, he was looking for someone else.

And to add insult to injury, he was very concerned when I explained how Christmas with my family was uncomfortable as usual and how I don’t feel seen or supported by them. I called my sister after he broke things off last week. She only asked what was wrong because I was sobbing when she answered. I called her on my lunch break yesterday because I was having a hard time. First time we had talked since last Wednesday. She talked at me for a full hour. No questions for me. Not how I was doing, not how was my weekend, no questions about work. She talked at me for 65 minutes straight and I barely got a word in.

He said he saw me. And everything he said and everything he did made me believe that. And then he pulled the rug out. And that’s what hurts he most. He saw me and said no.

Trying to resist the impulse to text him. I just don’t understand. Was I some sort of rebound? I don’t understand the amount of time we spent together, the communication, the thoughtful, personal gestures and…..he was not sure? I stopped screaming for people to see me a long long time ago. But i just don’t understand how I’m never enough. Never the chosen one.

I was broken up with out of the blue on Wednesday and just don’t know how to cope. We spent 2 months getting to know each other and I thought things were so good and we were going to continue into something long term & serious. Then with one call it was all gone “I just don’t see anything long term here”. I’m devastated. I was so happy & felt like I could trust & grow with him. I kept having flashes of “I think I love him”. I haven’t felt like that about anyone in years and years. I feel so stupid that I read it all so so wrong.