Ask Abby with Princessa Abyssinia

DEAR ABBY: Bonkers and Bellywaps. Screwball has gone done it again- made another year to bday that dang cuz o'mine. So here's the dealo. Need a gift that blasts 'you're an ass but keep the inviteoos a'rollin.' I mean the guy does fiesta spicy hot style- rat tail swizzle sticks, peanut butter balls for cheese fondue (deep enough to drown an opossum in three ways to Sunday), and all you can drink niptini bar to the ole sunrise. So what gift gets me the first dudeoo through the door? -- Jeepers in the mud room 

DEAR ABBY: Good day, madame.  I am of the Russian Blue persuasion. I don't wish to sound prideful, but my papers do go back seven generations. I come from the Petrovich Clan by way of Arc Angel Bay. I merely say all this to establish my grounds as an upstanding gentleman who is proud of his heritage and lineage. My purebred background has blessed me with the double layered fur that would be the bane of any cat not trained in proper grooming etiquette. It has lately been my habit, as we've reached the warmer weather  to take in some of the neighborhood that has more crack than cement in their alleys. (I find alley shade can be quite invigorating after all.) In these sojourns I have made the acquaintance of a young lady whose time I find surprisingly enjoyable. I have not dared to bring her around to the humans though. It is her language you see. In prime example is her referencing my under fur as zigzaggy. So coarse. I like the terms undulate or serrate. When I bring such things up she laughs at me. We are so different in background that I do not know what to do.  -- Perplexed in the Gazebo

DEAR ABBY: Ears munched, tail swatted, back trampled am I. Been singing that blues song all day. Was hoping for 5, got 10. Going to kill Buster two stalls down. He comes my way again; he's the new scratching post, and that's the truth. Gal Abby you gotta help me. What canna do to stop them mewling up dead fleas? I haven't slept in hours. -- Exhausted in the Stables

DEAR ABBY: Hi, can you see me waving? Well I am. I finally have  a question for you. Well I've had lots, but I don't want to look silly. Toby the dog calls me stupid. I don't think that's very nice. What does he know? He has to be lead to the bathroom. I go by myself. Now who looks stupid? Sorry. Sorry. My question. Here it is. Why? Oh, yeah I should tell you why there's a why, right? Okay so if you go up the upstairs, turn to black paw, turn away from crying baby there's this room. The humans stand in the largest bowl you've  ever seen and throw water at themselves. Weird I know. But in front. In front is a white, soft, cushy, plump, warm me sized square. I can get all of me on it. All of me! And the sun hits it. Oh glorious sun. When the thumbers don't break it. And there's the why? Why turn off my sun? It's, it's perfect until… No. No, still can't figure out why.-- Snooters in the Doorway

DEAR ABBY: Took deh kittens to the park yesterday. Lovely day it was and thought would do 'em good to socialize like with the neighbors, but the gal an' I got into an argument. Neighbors were amused but not me. Wouldn't ya know by the ole sandbox was a big honking pile of mice remains. Commented how spoiled youth is dat they waste perfectly good food when cats starving one block over. My Mollie had to go showin off in front of Joe Beans and go saying 'twas a modern art installation. Some hogwash bout decay turnin to chaos of smells and textures like houses behind flesh and fur. Pafooie. She just wanted to impress them fellas like they care a rat's arse. Well this is one guy not impressed and fur a lot more reason than hoity toity babble. Skeletal remains can't be modern art can it?-- Tom on the Sofa

DEAR ABBY: I come up with really great ones. I can’t stop laughing. I threw up a hairball once. I swear I’m that funny. It’s like wow how did I even come up with that. Ya know? I blow myself away. Once I laughed so hard I forgot my pre pre mid-morning nap. Boy did I ever sleep well during the pre mid-morning one once I got my fur back in order. Here’s the deal, why does my wife swat me in the face? When I ask her, she does this thing with her tail that makes it land right between my eyes then walks off. The other day I was so on I had to stare in wonder at the wall for so long the humans left the house and didn’t come back for hours. I was in the ‘dog’ house over that since my mate missed her treats. But here’s the pun don’t you think it was worth it? So your human is standing over the litter box with that upped turn nose of theirs. What goes through their mind? Catastrophe. What goes through a cat’s mind? Cat Ass Trophy! Get it. Get it. They sound the same. Am I brilliant or what. I swear a muse lives in my head. Wasn’t it worth missing treats over something so amazing as that one? But really, why does she swat me each time I ask her why she isn’t laughing?-- Sneakers in Laundry Room

DEAR ABBY: Their screams are so funny. Tell me, tell me. Is there a way to get fur inside a can before it's opened? It has to need a can opener right. And it has to be sealed right. But when they open it, ta da I'm there right. Hee hee. Get it. Me there before the can is ever opened right.-- Bippy in Kitchen

DEAR ABBY: Is dumb another word for etiquette? Maybe stupid works better. Idiotic? Lame? Eye roll worthy? Why use catnip as garnish if you aren't supposed to eat the garnish? How was I to know? Never thought my in-laws would sink to such depravity as wasting good catnip. So how am I the uncouth one here?-- Spooky in Larder

DEAR ABBY: Rude! Rude! Rude! Rude! How dare they. Day in. Day out. Have thumbs but use them? No! Conspicuous consumption if ever saw it. Talking about eating. Thumbs yes but use them to pick up food? I repeat. NO! They use stabby things to spear their food. Are they trying to rub in they have thumbs and don't have ta use them?--Truffles in Kitchen

DEAR ABBY: My food is laid before me on a schedule not of my own making. I have come to grips with this and adjusted my morning skitter and sleep schedule accordingly. I think I have been quite reasonable in limiting my check-in reminders of the state of my food bowl to a non-quantum time scale. Despite these arduous efforts on my part, the humans pat my head in dog fashion when I put my face to the food and eat. So I put this before you, is it okay to nip the hand that feeds you?Toby in the Kitchen

DEAR ABBY: I don't want you to think I'm stupid, but I'm confused. I’m hoping you will not call me sillykitty. I hate that name. I get called that a lot. I prefer cutiewutie because that often leads to treats. My two leggeds have lots of names for me and my fur kind. They say they love us sooooo much and we're the cutest things on the planet, but then they go and fix us so we can't make more adorableworbles. If fixing means love and admiration, why don't they fix themselves? They already have three mini legged ones.--Fluffer in the Corner

DEAR ABBY: Don't ask me how, cuz I won't tell, but I might have like accidentally hurt my tongue. Don't let your readers laugh at me. Not funny. You try drinking with a stupid limp lump of pain. Any who dats not the point. And don't you dare say cat got your tongue. It's old. Point is can't use my darn tongue for much. I pride myself on presentation though. It's not fair just because… never mind. My tongue don't work and gotta be clean. Ima out and about kinda guy. What can I do? If I let the house bro clean me then I got his stench on me. Either way I lose.--Buddy in Downstairs Sunbeam

DEAR ABBY: Them dang youngsters dragging catnip to my human's burn pile. Keep chasing dem darn rat huggers out da my yard but sneak right on back. Enoughs enough. No manners at all these days.--Gramps in the Forsythia

DEAR ABBY: What is the sound of one paw clapping?--Mr Mustafo on the Cushion

DEAR ABBY: They go out last night AGAIN for the millionth time. Come home late with, wait for it, a doggie bag for me. Doggie bag! Insensitive louts. I mean I ate it of course but Doggie Bag???? Show some intelligence. Do I look like a dog? I know I don't smell like one.-- Milo in Hamper

DEAR ABBY: Got stuck in dog dang death trap again. Why put up those stupid denyers of the sun. Heretics! Blasphemy!! Cretins!!!-- Sugar in Bathroom