Bailey per day

lotta people seem to think the issue with the salem witch trials was that witchcraft is bullshit and not that mob justice is unreliable, inhumane, and fosters widespread paranoia and compulsion rather than protecting literally anyone from harm

it’s like nobody wants to dry hump and make out on the couch in the living room anymore

My friend takes this one step further and refers completely accurately to his girlfriend Danielle as "My partner, Dan"

Also makes you sound like a cowboy which is cool I think

Fun side effect to this: Someone thought I was queer because I mentioned MY LAB PARTNER as "my partner." Are you gay? Are you a scientist? Do you just like the term partner? Are you a gay scientist who just likes the term partner? The world won't find out until a year later apparently.

when you start reading again and it's like oh. oh . the sun actually does still shine.

Humans have been giving their pets god names for millennia, not knowing that they actually bestow upon them the gods power. But it’s divided amongst all pets with the same name, so ultimately quite harmless. This morning, by a quirk of fate, yours is the only cat named Zeus.

Potential crisis prevented- my cat is already neutered.

i’m convinced that the ice age franchise won’t end until the squirrel that always chases after the nut gets an equally hideous girlfriend with Squirrel Tits™ and eyelashes

i didnt even read this but im laughing at how many times scrat is typoed as scart

“what motivates Scart? That’s right: the nut” is the funniest fucking string of words I’ve read in my life