Girls Kick Ass!

The pope went to an artist, saying “We want you to paint the Sistine Chapel”. 

At the time, one did not simply say “No” to the fucking Pope. But this artist really didn’t fucking want to do it. So, clever little cookie goes “Dude I’d love to, but I’m unworthy of such an honor! You know who’s an even better painter? Fucking Michelangelo! Go check him out!” 

So, the Pope trots his little ass over to see Michelangelo and straight up tells him “I want you to paint the Sistine Chapel, and what’s his face said you’re the fucking best in the whole wide world.”

Now, Michelangelo, is one of the few people who would genuinely have been sassy enough to tell the Pope to go fuck himself. Besides, his true passion lies in sculpture, not in painting. Don’t get me wrong, he’s good at it, but he likes sculpting more. And just like the clever cookie artist, he knows that painting the Sistine Chapel is going to be a bitch. But he said yes. Why, you ask?

Pride.

If he turned the pope down, it would be as good as saying he actually wasn’t the bestest in the whole wide world and like fuck he was going to let that stand! So, he spent the next several years painting the Sistine Chapel, bitching about it to anyone who would listen (seriously, the letters that he wrote are fucking gold!), and attaining new levels of pettiness never before seen! 

There are cherubs doing hand signs that were (at the time) the equivalent of flipping the bird. He painted a great big picture of the gates of hell right behind where the Pope’s chair would sit! And so much more!

Those are the cherubs, and in the second picture there are the gates of hell.

The guy on the right, the one with the snake biting his private parts, is actually a cardinal that was angry at Michelangelo!

so 3 of the 4 ninja turtle artists were all connected in this drama in some way, michelangelo, leonardo da vinci, and raphael

the asshat who sent the pope to him for the ceiling job? fucking bramante, the artist of st. peter’s basilica. his apprentice was raphael, and bramante thought that michelangelo would fail the painting and then raphael could sweep in and save the day because guess what? raphael was talented as FUCK and if he was able to do a better job than THE michelangelo? he would have a path straight to being Rich and Famous and michelangelo would’ve been humiliated and never taken seriously again

all of the ninja turtles were gay as fuck, and this is relevant bc raphael was painting the pope’s meeting room/study at the same time as michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the chapel, and one day lil raphael thought “hey i’ll go see what’s going on with mikey and see how bad he’s doing” but SIKE BITCH, michelangelo was doing a fucking FANTASTIC job so raphael went back to the study that he was painting and added michelangelo’s face in it despite the painting being of the philosophers of old. raphael was a petty gay bitch but he knew talent when he saw it and michelangelo had talent and gained raphael’s respect

michelangelo was also a petty gay bitch and he painted tons of people naked which was Bad and Inappropriate but he refused to cover them up so the pope then got a bunch of other dudes to paint robes and towels and shit covering up the genitals which is why there are so many people with half-assed cloth over their crotches (see: the dude holding the skin of st. Bartholomew)

the painting raphael did? it’s not anything little, it’s this fucking masterpiece we all know and love

it was no small thing that raphael did, and he is clearly a fucking amazing artist

bramante, the original dude, hated michelangelo because michelangelo knew leonardo da vinci and they both called each other out all the fucking time and bramante was a friend of leonardo’s and didn’t like this so yeah he’s also a petty gay bitch

michelangelo never knew this was all a setup for him to fail, but he didn’t fail so good for him

random: michelangelo spent so long painting the ceiling in such an awkward position with his head bent back and to the side to look up that he was permanently disabled in a hunched position. the sistine chapel job did a bad number on his neck and back

so yeah, 1500s drama is fucking hilarious, here’s a small article on this but ignore the last paragraph about raphael going back to his own work and “scraping it off the wall”, the work they’re referring to is the one shown above and all he did to it was add in michelangelo because he’s a gay bitch in love he respected the hell out of michelangelo and admitted that he was doing a fucking awesome job with the sistine chapel

Michelangelo: cocks. Just. So many cocks. On everything.

The church:….

Andrey Surnov evening traffic 1 subway shipyard crane cranes evening traffic 2 evening traffic 3 night shop 1  6:00 AM shooting gallery dark street pizzeria night shop 2 red café

I am the offering, and the fire which consumes it, and the one to whom it’s offered

Getting High: The Adventures Of Oasis - Paolo Hewitt (1997)