Through Rock And Metal And Time

haven’t made a post on here for a long time, been meaning to, but at the same time I didn’t want to come back to this hell site and.. relive some memories..

but, since that post I’ve had some ups and downs, but right now I’m doing okay. I don’t keep up on what’s going on in this website, but I’m on twitter (another hell site) and on artstation too (sometimes post there.

If you want you can follow me on twitter www.twitter.com/aa_uditor , my art account www.twitter.com/artofaauditor and message me there if you want, no pressure

I hope you all are doing well. I’m sorry for the terrible post before this one, and that I worried some of you. I’m still alive and I’ll try my best to keep living.

I have always felt empty and dead. Since grandma’s passing this year, I am realizing that life indeed does not matter, at least to me.

I don’t deserve to live, let alone exist. I don’t deserve to be remembered. It’s ironic, because I wanted to change my name to “Afamefuna”, meaning “I will not be forgotten.” I wanted to assure myself that I matter.

In vain I have tried to distract myself, and be happy. I am not happy.

I’ve noticed that I’m less on social media, and that I’m not talking to my friends as much as I use to. It’s probably for the best. I don’t want to disturb anyone.

I’ve been wondering how I was going to die. Sometimes I hope that something would kill me, without me suffering. 

I hate having a complicated relationship with my gender ugh

Seeing how many people are not approving of nonbinary people is only making it worse.

When I discovered that I was trans, I came out to my friends as agender. Seeing how the climate has gotten worse for nonbinary people of all types is demoralizing. I felt like I had to hide my nonbinary status, and stick to the label of “binary trans man” to make people think I’m “normal”. Trying to force myself into being binary made things worse, and gave me really bad thoughts like “I hate being trans”.

To this day, I feel like I can’t openly be nonbinary. 

I am nonbinary. I have tried to convince and coerce myself that i am either a “cis woman” or a “trans man”. That “none of this is real”, that I “am faking it”. None of denying what I am helped me.

Hanzo.. , Kuai Liang..

although i want T, top surgery and to present more masculine, i don’t know wtF my actual gender is