Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me. Toast me, cheese me, ham me, kill me. Well, they were only 70p for a brace from tesco frozen, who could refuse? I’d been told of these toaster activated savoury hot pockets, curious indeed but too disgraceful to get involved with. My periscope won’t go lower, I want to see the fish with elbows for faces and glow in the dark nose hairs. 70p though, not even on offer either. It would have been rude not to. I was damned if I didn’t and damned if I did. It was a Sunday, I was a little worse for wear, it was a solo mission for breakfast components. These toast mes were an additional, a starter piece for Lady Legend and I. I wouldn’t ordinarily have spotted them but on this particular trip to Tesco I was being methodical. Scanning all aisles and paying particular note to the lesser spied freezer sector. These Tesco Expresses are a fascinating experiment in whittling. Whittling all the breadth and excess of larger Tescos in to a core range of strictly essentials. Where’s the puff pastry? The fresh herbs? The lamb mince? Don’t have it, mate. Where’s the cheese and ham toaster activated frozen snacks? Right this way, sir!
Purchased and home, hands shaking uwith the obscenity of it all. I strip back the foil wrapper, packaged like your neighbourhood pop tart. The instructions say to toast on the highest setting for a couple of minutes. I’m nervous, the highest setting? 7? It’s a road less travelled, it’s the number your smoke alarm dreams about. I’m scared, as I put the two frozen boards in my toaster, I’m scared. I’m envisaging the great billowing black as soon as I pop them down. My eyes are transfixed. I’m sure this will go wrong. It’s going to char the golden crumb, maximum is too high! I’m thinking of the boy who scolded his face on the blistering pop tart, the pop tarts that say to toast activate on the LOWEST setting. And here I am, putting cheese(!) in a toaster on the highest(!) setting. This could be a fatal dose. It goes against everything I’ve ever known but it’s ok because they’ve just popped up and they look fantastic. The cryogenic defrosting process a success!
I wheel them in to Lady Legend, the silver cosh whipped away to reveal two golden(ish) breadcrumbed steam slates. Oh you shouldn’t have, slaving away in the kitchen while I sleep the sleep of a thousand sleeps. Darling, it was nothing, I only pressed a button and watched my life flash before my eyes, a monkey could have done it! Hang on, she takes in the majesty of the plate or lack thereof. She, the cat’s Mother, was expecting some kind of classical toastie-based cheese and ham. Not this, a thin breadcrumbed floor board. A throwback to the days of Findus crispy pancakes and spam fritters. Fair dinkum in their time but it’s rare that you see people gorging on it in this day and age. What’s the modern day high falluting-ish equiv? Turkey escalope? Schnitzel? This is flat like a schnitzel, squashed kiev-lite. All the fun of melted cheese and meat without the breathy consequence. First mouthful is in. It’s hot but not scolding, I take a load off. Thank my good tongue, you’ll sleep well tonight lad. It doesn’t taste too bad actually. It tastes dirty but a bit tasty too. This is the impression at first bite. It goes downhill and fast. This thing is so thin, it’s like 5mm deep. The cross section shows a thin layer of ham and an even thinner hint of cheese, clad either side by a spanking of breadcrumbs. Lady Legend is not impressed, declaring it at one point the worst thing she has ever eaten. The words “dirty” and “filthy” are peppered throughout. It’s an ordeal, it starts off a cheap trick but turns…how does one so thin and board like weigh so heavy upon the lungs? We’ve been watching a lot of Man V. Food lately and I think that Toast Mes could be the snack that finally kills him. If man was to take on a platter of this food, like 12 sheets maybe, it would be fatal. These diminutive toaster ghosts can and will knock a man down.
The overwhelming feeling from knocking back just one Toast Me is guilt, perhaps some dread too. What was that? Why did it come from the toaster? Who cooks these? Why so cheap? That 70p wasn’t a reduction, it was the RRP. Who does that? Who is she? It’s true grit, classic dirge stakes. You’ve got to admire it, to a point. I wouldn’t tackle one alone, you need a partner in crime and preferably a St John’s ambulance waiting in the wings. Toast em if you got em.
2087
origamiaround
prguitarman
