hello. anyone there?

Why can't I allow myself to just be a friendly person? I feel like when I try to be myself and be a friendly person I am afraid of ebing perceived as weak or fem or gay.

There were many times in the past that I avoided doing things because I was afaid of being perceived as gay, which seems crazy to me now because apparently I was doing a poor job of hiding my homosexuality. I've caught myself in this moment thinking back to high school, where I stopped myself from joining colorguard. I almost everything you could do in our school's band. I was in marching band, concert band, jazz band, street percussion, winter percussion front ensemble, and even drum major. As much as I want to say I avoided color guard, I couldn't help myself. I would spin flags and sabres and rifles when I got the chance. It just felt so fun and freeing, not to mention seeing the silks flow around me were so beautiful. I would hide the fact that I watched marching band colorguards and winterguard religiously. I was obsessed, but whenever someone would mention that I should join, I knew I couldn't. I didn't want to be judged. And also, how would I even go to practice? I couldn't ask my parents to bring me to another practice without questions and lectures concerning my schedule and my grades. I was already committed to succeeding in so many areas of my life, which I now understand was to avoid true my feelings and my desires. I did well in school, up to a point. Senior year everything came to a crash and I had a crisis, but I guess that's a story for me to remember another day. I was a good enough tuba player. I was section leader and got into local and regional honor bands. I was a good drum major. To my shock, I won first in every competition my junior and senior years. I committed my time to band, my studies and church youth group. I did so much I should be proud of, but I can't help regretting the one thing I was too afraid to do, that I am crying about today: colorguard. I just feel like it could have really changed me. All the gay guys in marching band were in it; probably the majority of the out gay guys in the whole school. I always wished they would notice me or recognize I was struggling, hiding away in the closet, but it wasn't anyone's responsibility to do that for me. I know people would always ask about my sexuality, but I always insisted I wasn't gay. I wish I said I was, then maybe I would be past all of this. I think I just never could imagine a life where I was out, where people knew. I didn't think I could ever handle it. Maybe they did reach out and I just couldn't reach back. I don't think I could really remember everything accurately, so I can't say. Maybe things would've been better if I joined. Maybe I would've came out sooner. Maybe I would've dated in high school or had my first love. Maybe I wouldn't be where I am now: stuck in rut unsure of what to do with myself. How do I live a life I am proud of now? A life that I've dreamed of? A life unafraid of being who I am? I will figure it out, but I think I need to start by being kind to myself. I had someone in my life who used to say that to me, but I couldn't accept it with sincerity. Now I'm alone. I hope I don't kill myself. I want to look back at these posts one day and see how much I've changed. I hope I am less sad, less lonely, living life for myself, not work, and crying tears of joy more often than tears of sadness.

I think I'm losing it. I almost started crying at work while watching an episode of "911," where people are haunted by the ghosts of the past. It made me think of my ex, who I broke up with 3 years ago. He randomly messages me from time to time. I had many reasons for leaving. My ex, who loved me despite me being closeted, wanted us to live a life on our own. However, I didn't want to deal with us being financially unstable and I felt they were so unprepared to take on the burden with no career or savings. On top of this, I had an overwhelming resentment for how different their experience was compared to mine. They are very social and out person, whereas I could not fathom a life where I was out. I still can't. I'm already 30 and I can't bring myself to chase after the things I want. I gave up so much to protect myself. I gave up love. I gave up happiness. FOR WHAT? I find myself in a job I don't want, with a nonexsitent social life, parents and family pressuring me into a conservative, religious life, a pressure to conform to society's expextations, crippling anxiety and fear, all the things I used to express myself with like music and art gone, a degree I thought I wanted, living alone in an apartment thinking I believed would solve all my problems, that I would feel more free, free to pursue the things I want, but I am just as stuck as I was living in my parents house. I am so unhappy, so alone, so afraid. I'm so upset. I'm mad. Mad at myself for not waking up sooner. Mad at that guy from high school telling me that he had a big crush on me back then in this moment where I find myself at my lowest. Why didn't he tell me sooner? Maybe it would've motivated me to fix my life sooner. What if it was all a iie? What if he was just horny and he just wanted to see what it would be like to fuck that guy he knew in high school? So he can say that he did... God, why are all my emotions suddenly coming out? Is it because I just broke up with my therapist and now I just feel completely alone now? Ugh I'm reliving how alone I felt when I broke up with my boyfriend. I had no one to talk to. No one to tell. Even when I tried to reach out, people thought it'd make me feel better to tell me, "Oh he wasn't worth it anyway. He was a queer weirdo not worth your time; not someone you could bring home to your parents, hypothetically speaking." But I loved him. I loved how much he loved me. He was there when I first dislocated my shoulder; the first of four. I still remember staring at him in the ER. I loved that he was there; that he was mine, that he worried about me. After my injury, I was forever his "Lego boy." It made me so mad and so happy that he called me that. All this to say, I think I'm afraid to let all of the memories go. Although I have no desire to be in a relationship with them again, I think part of me is afraid to move on in fear that it will nullify all the beautiful moments we had together: doordashing together during the pandemic, long summer drives with him as my passenger princess, staring into each other's eyes the first time I dislocated my shoulder and feeling overwhelmingly in love with him, dancing in front of Raley's on Howe Ave alone together on New Year's Eve after smoking hookah with friends, feeling so free holding hands and walking together in the Castro, the several times people have told us we looked like a cute, happy couple, Halloween night sitting at the Castro Coffee Company watching passersby in costumes. Will I have that all with someone new? Can I handle making new memories with someone new? Why is it so hard for me to move on? Why is it so hard to let go? The days where I look back on these memories fondly with no regret seem so far away.