I’m A Piece Of Shit

if only I let myself believe.

Although I write on here so no one that I know sees it I do wish someone would see it the sense of connection or lack there of makes me feel queasy and needy and alone. I can’t tell my friends what’s wrong half of the time. I don’t know if they really care everybody has their own problems to deal with and I can’t tell my parents or family because I don’t want them to worry and of course, if there’s a relationship problem within my marriage, and I speak negatively about my partner people that truly love me will probably be influence to react negatively towards him, which I don’t want either I don’t want someone to tell me to leave him, but I deserve more cause. I tell myself that I don’t want to do it. I want my daughter to grow up with both of her parents and I’ve prayed for him for many years for him to love me for us to get back together. I pray that’s so much that I gave up and started to pray that I would please forget him. I didn’t want him in my heart or in my mind anymore. I remember God saying not yet then 10 years later we start talking again out of the blue. He falls in love or so he said a year later we get married and have a baby two years later I feel the earth crumbling beneath me. It feels like I’m holding on to your life on a cliff with every little bit of time that goes by of him, not returning that love to me for every time that he does something wrong he’s just slowly hitting each of my fingers until one day. I’m gonna lose my grip. He’s gonna make me fall and I’m not gonna have anyone there to catch me. I’m sad that I’m sad. I’m stuck between knowing what I want and who I am and having to change all that for him, for example he’s not a big holiday person so I can’t get excited about Christmas and doing events because he’s not into it. OK I like going out and playing sports going to the park going on walks going on a bike ride exploring going to the mountains it doesn’t have to be every day, but some outdoor activities can do wonders for people and this includes my daughter which I want her to have an active lifestyle and we’re her private example 3rd of all there’s no romance because he’s just not romantic contrary to his first act of course when he was chasing after me in the chasing. Of the relationship, he knew just what to do what to say. Want to say it how to treat me he treated me like a freaking princess joked around and said he was saving the queen treatment for when we were married so I know he has it in him he just doesn’t have what he had for me in that moment anymore so whenever I say supportive or as he says, cheesy things, it makes him cringe so I now have a boundary where I have to pull back on my affection because it makes me feel like I’m grossing him out. It’s also self defense mechanism where I feel like if I’m not putting myself out there then I’m not putting myself in the danger of getting rejected which I often feel like he does, but then I hear his voice and I love his voice. I love his smile. I like the way his hair curves. I like how there’s a little piece of hair that always gets in his face and it annoys him. Sometimes I retract so much that I literally like don’t want to be touched. I like scoot away as far as possible from him and I try not to look at him give him short answers, but then he of course catches on and as soon as he’s trying to get back on my good side, all he has to do is put his hand on my thigh and melt wish there was someone out there who would just tell me it’s OK sometimes all I need is just a hug when I was suicidal he used to tell me not too, unlike myself he used to tell me to wait until I had a baby because the baby would make me want to live and if I still chose to continue with that, he would then at least have a part of me that would live on and yes, it’s true. My daughter does make me want to live, but that doesn’t take away from my depression and my thoughts that contribute to that feeling having a daughter doesn’t make my husband love me can’t make anyone love you and my daughter is only two years old so I know there’ll be a time where she prob

I try so hard everyday but it just never feels like it’s enough. I know it’s so stupid but every day I just once feel loved by the person that I love I could have 1 million problems but if that one person love me back, it would overcast all the problems that I think I have I would magically find solutions and peace, but I don’t so everything feels very heavy right now

Before I fade back to the shelf.

I’ll rise again with every dawn.