14:16

I’m happy, I’m happy, I’m happy, I’m happy

But sometimes I think about when you were with me

I think of stone beaches, pale and dark features, shy eyes and shaky digits

I think of how we spoke in different tones

And how the conversations with our eyes flowed

I think I’ll think about it until I’m forty

How you were with me

Although we may be better off being free

I’ve still romanticised your absence to a certain degree

It’s easy to look back at you with those rose tinted eyes

But maybe we just weren’t right

Still I wonder, do you have my book?

You owed me at least a look

I was drunk in adolescence now I’m sober

I was making you sick with overexposure

I felt you put me into an enclosure

(We were facing foreclosure)

Now you don’t talk, and I had to make up my own closure

Talk to me

There’s only so much I can defend

You kissed me like you meant it

Now you don’t say hi in the streets

Did I leave you sad and stranded?

Is it your anxieties or are you underhanded?

There’s something about nostalgias filter

That sends me all akilter

Maybe I caused us to face premature foreclosure

I was a child myself, couldn’t keep composure

19:19

I am just a passenger

I am not your harbour

A current as strong as mine, you cannot anchor

So send your ships back to sea

You’ll find fish who suit your needs

It cannot be me

If you’re looking for your lifeline, I will not answer

I’ve heard you call a thousand times and it sounds like thunder

The sound of your breath down the line

Hitching as I say goodbye

I am just a passenger

I am not the antidote

A current as strong as mine, you cannot stay afloat

So send your ships back to sea

I can never be what you need

It cannot be me

For all the times you searched my eyes

For remedies you could not find

For all the pain that you feel inside

But it’s all misplaced

I loved you in ways

18:51

Oceans apart

I never knew the map so well before us

You’ve left scars

You dedicated songs that I had never heard of

Like a tattoo I never even wanted

What was forgettable to you —

To me, I am haunted

And if you told me to wait around, I would have

In fact, I did it without the request

I wish that I worked a little bit harder at putting this all to bed

Now I’m talking down a phone line but you’ve cut the cord

Waiting on something that’s not mine, and what for?

The only thing that was up in the air was our life together

I would have waited for you

Forever

Miles away

I never lost myself so much before us

I’ll find my way

I know, I just can’t rush

I need a rewrite, I need a new way

Some new sights and roads to pave

I get on walking the streets, but the days when I feel weak

A friend of yours saw me crying on the beach

Early hours, dying flowers, salt water in my toes and on my cheeks

I wondered why instead you didn’t wonder if I was okay

I wondered why I didn’t get a call the same day

We were so much of the same

20:20

For all you love, I chastise

For how I am, you despise

Tell me, how do you compartmentalise?

A ship that I can’t climb aboard, I am just a bitter bitch

Alone I wandered through trees of Bradford, until I fell into a ditch

Not a hand in sight to help me out

They were busy pretending

Couldn’t hear my screams and shouts

As the world was ending

It’s a fools paradise

I watch you roll the dice

Knowing you cannot pay the price

Tell me, was I worth the sacrifice?

Scratch marks on the wooden floors

As they locked my truth away

And soon they’ll hear “what’s mine is yours”

And fight to catch the bouquet

What’s mine was harmed while they were charmed

Ignoring all they knew

I watched a transition, a woman went missing

19:48

I was only twenty

I just think it’s strange

To pit women against me

Or maybe deranged

Considering you were 35

I shouldn’t be on your mind

Leave this little girl outta your “rates”

And go play with someone your age

Now I’m turning 30 and I couldn’t imagine myself

Doing what you did

But again, I’m not sick or twisted

I was only twenty one

I just wanted to have some fun

I didn’t call you

I didn’t ask

I know that you knew

You’d put on a mask

Now you can say it’s all subjective

Ignore it all you like

But I can see this clean perspective

Oh, you gotta love hindsight

Now I’m turning 30 and I couldn’t imagine myself

06:41

I’m sorry to my dad

I know he wouldn’t want to see me sad

He’d only laugh and call me mad

But I’m just missing him so bad

I know he’d take me by the hand, tell me it was only gods plan; everyday I miss that man

I could make a list, make a change from making the same old wish

I can still hear his voice, sometimes I don’t have a choice

I’m sorry to my great gran

19:28

I used to write songs bout people that I met, I used to hold on to things that were said

I used to do that, I used to do this

I used to have peace, I used to have bliss

And I used to have you

Used to, used to, used to, used to

Used to have you

I used to walk down the street and say morning to strangers, now I fall over my feet and wonder why I go on any longer

Used to purpose outside of drinking, but haven’t had much since I found out you were leaving

And I wish everyday that it was me instead

I never used to have these thoughts inside my head

But I used write songs about people that I would see, hold onto words that they would speak

I used to do that, I used to do this

Used to look both ways when crossing a street, deep inside I used to think /that you would always be around for me

Hey, that was back when I used to have you

Used to, used to, used to, used to,

used to have you

And you had me too

I could see you

Whenever I wanted to

But now I just cry

Remember our last bye

And I’m replaying all the good and bad in my mind

Back when I

Used to have you

I was happy, I was free

Nobody threw pity look at me

I could talk to you when I felt this way

When I’d see you next, I was counting down the days

You were happy, you were free

Now I can only make up what you be

And whatever you do

Not like when I used to have you

Used to, used to, used to, used to

Used to have you

Used to, used to,

Now I just miss you

Used to, used to

Don’t know what to do

Used to, used to

07:20

Sympathetic eyes, everybody’s asking why, a house full of loved ones

Grief is being served and everybody’s at the table

I can’t find you in these old clothes

21:48

You were so excited to hear your hair may grow back curly

It never got the chance to grow

The string of bad luck we saw thrusted upon you never showed mercy

And why, I’ll never know

23, you can’t leave

Don’t you know I believe

Our stories, they are intertwined

We have always been aligned

You said with such assertion

That I was your person

You never got the chance to grow

01:14

Sure, you can find your joy by judging other girls who are at the bottom of a box dye

And you can convince yourself by repeating lines that it was only one time

Tell everyone you love that they no longer know you

Soon enough that began to ring true

Not in the way that you think

It’s no coincidence

Love brought out the worst in you

The false niceties leave a sick taste in my mouth

But I get condemned

I know we can never turn this back around

And I can’t pretend

Every step that you took, was another punch to my gut

But that’s on me, I mistook, you for someone who gave a fuck

You can find your joy with your new shiny toys

And you can convince yourself that they will fill that void

Tell everyone you love that they know longer know you

It’s sad that began to ring true

Love brought out the worst in you

My words are tasting bitter

Because she wasn’t just my sister

Now she’s nothing but a stranger

I watched his love drain her

A single entity

Changed fundamentally

Lost her identity

Coincidentally

And she told everyone that loved her that they no longer knew her

Then disappeared into a forest leaving only a blur

20:12

The sunflower fields have opened this year

But it’s not the same cause you are not here

I’ve searched for you in willow trees

Searched but can’t find what it means

That you were taken away

I examine every kind of sky

And I ask higher powers every day

“Why?”

I saw that old bench, I smelt those roses

I heard that song by that girl nobody knows

And I watched that old show that we used to quote

And I sat alone

Cause nobody gets the reference

Nothing here but severance

Now you have such eminence

I’m handing into evidence

All of our prevalence

And replacing it with petulance

I search for you in cherry blossoms

I’m too grown now to hit rock bottom

But I wonder where you are

I search in every star

And I ask higher powers but they never reply

I just need to know: why?

I just don’t understand

How something dark up there laughed at your plans

21:37

When I met you, I was 23

You were so cute, and just a little bit younger than me

It was instantaneous, laughter it carried us

And everything just made sense

Like you were always here

When I lost you, you were 23

I’ll read cliches and I know how true they may be

Cause you were in pain now you’re finally free

But that pain was never yours to begin with

And I’m so fucking mad I couldn’t take it

We spent sleepless nights over our phone lights

And what I’d do for one more stupid little joke you claim you made up

Because this one isn’t funny, you need to wake up

I was waiting for your name on that screen to reappear

It’s been months and I’m still sitting here

Thinking who do I send this to?

Thinking what do I do with these inside jokes?

Because I don’t know

With all these things in common

That I had never forgotten

All those hand me downs

Now you’re not around

You stopped somehow

20:59

What’s the time again? Does it even matter?

I am just your friend, and this is another chapter

If it feels good now, maybe I could stick it out

Cause it feels so good now

There’s a somber in his eyes, there’s a way he says my name

It comes to no surprise that I can’t have him that way

He’s looking at me but he sees a memory

I’m holding his hand and praying he can want me back

But it’s just half love

Half love

And in no world has that ever been enough

What day is it again? Have we escaped the rain?

We’ve been running but I can’t complain

You’ve been looking back at the traitors who wronged you

And I’ve been working to take the damage and undo

I’m grateful for a moment, still it’s everything

Even if it’s an act of atonement when it wasn’t me who sinned

There’s a somber in his eyes, there’s a way he says my name

It comes to no surprise that I can’t have him that way

He’s looking at me but he sees a memory

I’m holding his hand and praying he can want me back

But it’s just half love

Half love

And in no world has that ever been enough

In my head, in his suit

I am red, he is blue

He’s running into the fire, I’m walking on the wire

He says “you don’t understand what I have been through”

“I know but I am trying to”

He’s begging not to ever be left again

But I fear he was never here to begin with

I’ve never seen eyes so brown and full of sadness

I’d give anything to make it hurt less

He’s looking at me but sees a memory

He’s saying my name and I can feel her pain

I am holding his hand and praying for something back

But it’s just half love

Half love

It was the first time that I saw you with an ironed shirt on, I took it as a compliment

The smallest gestures, when you held my door

The start of our adventures, just left me wanting more

2am and we are running

Starship playing on the radio

The look in your eyes was so inviting

I knew I could never leave you alone

And I pretend I’m there when things get dark in here

Who would’ve known the feeling of your hand in mine

00:12

I still feel crazy

When I mention your name

It’s still ingrained in me

All your little games

All those years of sitting right at your feet, I was singing along only to your beat

All you did went so deep

I still feel so crazy

I can’t say what we had without feeling bad

I can’t compare it to what the others go through

Do I dare call it love? Will you call my bluff?

Did I make it up? Did I make it up?

I still have the messages, still have the songs, still have all the old call logs

Still remember the words you whispered in my ear… right? I’m sure that you were here?

And the sound of your voice when you were under the weather, still recall falling light as a feather

And I still remember all the admiration, all of the frustration, unanswered invitations and pathetic desperation

Can I just get some validation?

All you did went so deep

That I still feel so crazy

I can’t say what we had without feeling real bad

I can’t compare it to what people go through

Do I dare call it love? Will you just call my bluff?

Did I make it up? Did I make you up?

00:12

Growing older is meant to make it hurt less

But my eyes have grown mature and I have to confess

I see it all brand new

I can clearly see you

I’m not even thirty and I’m scrubbing my skin

I’m hoping to be reborn again

I don’t want to recall the parts in between the black

I don’t want to go back

Growing older made me feel numb

I was so young, they made me feel so dumb

Now I see it all for what it was

You took that girl and abused her trust

I’m not even thirty and I’m scared of the world

I spent so much time thinking I got what I deserved

I don’t want to recall the parts in between what I know

But I could never let this go

Growing older gets more frightening

I have moments when I look back and start spiralling

I wish I could hold my hand

I wish I could hold that girl

And make her understand