'Til the day I die

SPN Recurring Themes: Dean is an avid reader

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how alike to Sam and John Benny is, on some points.

You can always find common points between two people/characters but it's quite glaring here and I haven't seen it anywhere so I'm going to list what I noticed:

– John, Sam and Benny go on revenge quests (Dean hates those btw) and drag Dean in it (Dean helps anyway because he cares). Dean nearly gets killed because of it.

– actually, Dean gets assaulted and nearly killed by a vampire because of each of them: John in 1x20, Sam (soulless, but still) in 6x05 and Benny in 8x05. They aren't sorry about it.

– John and Benny rely emotionally on Dean (I can totally picture John talking about Mary like Benny talks about Andrea in 8x05… how else Dean would have known in every little details how his parents met?)

– Sam and Benny are addicts and Dean is expected to help them through it (besides, both of them are addicted to blood)

– John tells Dean he'd have to kill Sam because he's a monster ; Sam tells Dean he'd have to kill Benny because he's a monster (putting himself in John's role and Benny in his)

– John, Sam and Benny expect Dean to answer and go to their help as soon as they call

– John and Benny use helping Dean as an excuse to die (John selling his soul in 2x01, Benny going back to Purgatory in 8x19) and putting the responsibility of their death on Dean when they actually wanted to escape something (John didn't want to have to kill Sam, Benny was tired of being on Earth)

Maybe something like Angels they meet exclusively refer to him as The Sword and he haaaates that

Or it explains why he's so good with handling an Angel Blade

Or why he's so resilient for Just A Dude, because he was literally built to contain an archangel. Maybe he heals a bit faster than a regular guy, but he's never noticed before because Sam heals at a similar rate.

Maybe it would explain why he gets so twitchy about religion and churches, because it's baked into the loaf that he should end up as the vessel for Michael but Dean being Dean subconsciously rebels.

Or there's a conversation where Cas reveals that whenever he heals him he has to physically put the breaks on his own Grace because Dean's body pulls it in like a magnet. It's why he's so susceptible and sensitive to Angel magic, like time travel and alternate reality stuff.

I forgot about that wording, lol. Saying with you

Purgatory isn't Dean's happy place and has never been

Being in Purgatory was traumatic. Dean spent more than one year in a 360° battle scenes, with monsters trying to kill him H24, with nowhere to hide or to rest. It's sad to see fanon shrugging it off as a trauma, but it's even worse when the show does it.

It has been a long day traveling in the impala. Sam is tired and cranky, starting to fuss a lot (he is very young, just a baby). John pulls up in a motel and bustles the boys into a room. Sam is at the verge of crying (he probably needs to be changed). John gives Dean quick instructions then leaves because he cannot stand a crying baby, besides, there is a vampire nest in the area.

Sam won’t stop fussing, and Dean is stressed, so he just holds Sam while sitting on the bed, rocking him and singing quietly.

This is when he learns how to soothe babies, it doesn’t work every time, but it is always worth a try.

@notevenalittle just added these amazing tags to my 2.01 rewatch post.

#john DOESN'T ask anyone for help! #and i don't think his deal absolves him of that #if anything it further cements why he should have #like - what if there was another way? like in faith? #and it's so awful how john “”“”apologizes“”“” to dean before his death #like!!! he may very well feel some regret abt how he raised dean and how he used him for support #but he wouldn't be saying it unless he needed that as leverage #which - he knows he does! #he is manipulating dean #as his FINAL act #so so true OP - he is BUTTERING HIM UP and it's disgusting to watch #like even as he apologizes for doing these things he is also reminiscing fondly on them #because he isn't sorry Enough about parentifying and in some ways plain adultifying dean #for those memories to bring feelings of shame or painful regret #just wistful vague remorse mingled with nostalgia #he misses when little child dean would hug and reassure him! #he doesn't seem to feel very bad about putting dean in that situation#only that he had taken that “maturity” (traumatic response to parental distress) to mean dean was ready to learn hunting #i am getting in the weeds here #john isn't sorry for what he did and if he was he'd deliver it differently and not on his deathbed in advance of demanding an awful favor

and it really got me thinking. like especially the part about john's "reminiscing fondly" and the "wistful vague remorse mingled with nostalgia" fucking HIT ME. because that is such a good articulation of the tone of that scene.

AND it got me wondering if part of that wistful, nostalgic, fondness was john picturing how it would feel for dean to be caring for him like that... even now. how comforting it might feel to return to that familiar pattern, receive that familiar care.

dean spent much of his childhood caring for his dad - his emotions, his injuries after hunts, etc. john is essentially on his deathbed here. maybe a part of him wish it could be easy like it used to feel, for dean to "put [his] hand on [john's] shoulder and... look [john] in the eye and say 'It's okay, Dad.'"

no because literally. john being constantly torn between wanting dean as a weapon or a ~wife~. pressuring dean to shove down the tender parts of himself so he could be reliably ruthless but then john would "come home from a hunt, and after what [he'd] seen... [he'd] be wrecked" and he'd want that care so badly.

and exactly like you said. dean in this scene is so on edge and primed for it to be possession or something else hunt related and all john wants is maybe some kind of absolution as he combines this cruel medley for the last time; for dean not to be afraid, for dean to listen with care, for dean to be ready to kill his brother.....

But they went and outright made Dean say he was wrong. They had Cas show absolutely no remorse (the “I know you’re sorry about mom” / “I was talking about Jack” exchange was a slap to Dean’s face), no understanding for Dean’s side of things, no acknowledgment of Dean’s pain and loss. And of course, no apology, because Cas is only ever the victim, completely blameless. (Bringing up the mess he made as Godstiel is just a cover-up of the whitewashing of his far more recent screw-ups.)

14.18: “I was scared. I believed in Jack for so long, I… I believed that he was – he was good. I – I knew that he would be good for the world. And he was good for us. My faith in him, it – it never wavered, and then I-I saw what he did. It wasn’t malice. It wasn’t evil. It was like Jack saw a problem, and in his mind, he just solved it with that snake… What he did wasn’t bad. It was the absence of good. And I saw that in him. But we were a family, and I didn’t want to lose that, so I thought I could… fix it on my own. Felt like it was my responsibility. So I left. And I didn’t tell you. If I could go back and just – just talk to him right then and there, I would. But I can’t, Dean. I failed you. And I failed Jack. And I failed –” Dean cuts him off.

15.02: “Dean, I recognize that I dropped the [ball]. I didn’t tell you about Jack, and then after what happened with your mother…” Dean cuts him off.

In 15.09, right after saying “I was talking about Jack”, Castiel says, “I already apologized to you. You just refused to hear it.”

I’d like to think what they were trying to get across was that Castiel resented Dean taking his anger out at him after he already apologized. Cas did refer to his earlier apologies being cut off with seeming frustration. Then he said that he left because Dean couldn’t forgive him, not because “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

In Dean’s prayer, he apologizes, but I don’t think he’s apologizing for blaming Castiel. I think he’s apologizing for refusing to hear his apologies and “letting” Cas leave (though that is another “blame game” I’m not super happy with). After all, Dean also says “Of course I forgive you”, which suggests there was something Cas needed to be forgiven for. He isn’t saying Cas never did anything wrong, but he is forgiving him. 

The whole making up thing didn’t come off super great though. During the scene while following the Leviathan, Cas’s, “I was talking about Jack” line comes off as if, after apologizing to Dean about Mary, Castiel considered the matter closed and lost all sense of personal regret over what happened to her. Given his continued guilt over Jack himself while his guilt over Mary has seemingly been dropped, this would suggest that Mary herself didn’t really matter to Castiel, only how her death affected his relationship with Dean. Jack on the other hand, still matters. I don’t think that was the intended message (I don’t think the writers intentionally want to make it seem as if Mary meant nothing to Cas), but it was an unfortunate result of how the conversation was written. In other words, a mess writing-wise.

What mainly makes it all so disappointing for me, is that this whole conflict as presented in 15.09 misses a very obvious character flaw that I have been hoping would be resolved in Castiel for a long time. Namely, keeping things away from Sam and Dean so he can handle things on his own, then having those things blow up in his face. It’s Castiel’s signature move. He always apologizes after. He’s always sorry. But his behavior doesn’t change, which is a colossal problem that I really can’t deal with anymore. The episode making mention of the Leviathan glosses over several far more recent examples of Castiel’s incredibly broken “I have to do it all on my own” mentality, and that mentality itself, which seems to be a defining component of Cas’ storyline almost ever season, needs to be dealt with. It should have been dealt with a long time ago. Recent examples:

Season 10: Cas (along with Sam) lied about the Book of the Damned. 

Season 11: He let Lucifer out of The Cage without giving Sam and Dean any say so. 

Season 12: He refused to answer the phone for weeks, came to Dean’s room to apologize, but it was all a lie. He just wanted to steal The Colt so he could go and kill Kelly and Jack. If he’d stuck around, he would have found out Sam and Dean had a plan to save both Kelly and Jack, but he didn’t stick around, and when they tried to call him, he again ignored their calls. After Castiel became convinced to ensure Jack’s birth rather than stop it, he again refused to even try and include Sam and Dean, instead knocking them both unconscious. 

Season 13: Worked with Lucifer, lied to Dean about it.

Season 14: Kept his feelings that Jack shouldn’t be alone with anyone to himself, and also made a deal with The Empty for Jack’s soul that he’s still lying about.

Within this pattern of behavior, Dean has every right to be upset. But for some reason, this very obvious PATTERN of incredibly broken behavior is just ignored by the narrative and then perpetuated by Cas every season. It makes Cas look incredibly careless and not truly sorry. It also makes him hypocritical at points. For example, in 14.12 when he chastises Dean for his “suicidal” plan to stop Michael while hiding the deal he’s already made for Jack’s soul. Or when he chastised Sam and Dean for going behind his back and wanting to put Jack in the mal’ak box, only to go by himself (behind Sam and Dean’s backs) the very next episode to enquire about the possibility of putting Jack in The Cage. Just this episode, Castiel treated Dean like a moron for suggesting they split up in Purgatory. The first thing Castiel did the last time he and Dean landed in Purgatory was abandon Dean to an entire pack of gorilla wolves, because he believed they were safer seperated. But now Dean is a moron for suggesting maybe they should split up since they’re on a time table and Sam is, you know, being tortured. Cas saying essentially, with an eye roll, “Well obviously we’ll both just end up dead if we’re seperated” shows a truly astounding lack of self-awareness over his past behavior patterns. With the whole matter at the beginning of the episode, when Dean wanted to go after Sam, I can’t help but also feel that if it had been Jack at stake, Castiel wouldn’t have been so quick to label the emotional desire to mount an immediate rescue, “stupid”.