Let's just walk off the chessboard.

i stop by my old house when the new owners aren’t home to have metaphysical sex with the smoking hot ghost of my dead wife and she burns my little penis right off when i don’t have an answer about where our kids are. i still manage to come but it’s sad and pathetic and i leave with tears in my eyes and my own spunk cold and sticky on my thigh. six hours into the drive home i remember my kids are still at a bus stop in sheboygan. i drink until i forget again

I love the whole 30 is the new 21 trend like yes queen so true. Your 30s are not for having children and settling down. They are for traveling, building your career, and going to the CLUB. Freeze ur eggs if u must I don’t care. Any 30 something year old woman who’s choosing to enjoy her newfound financial stability and not spend it in an unhappy marriage has my wholehearted stamp of approval.

when you have a hammer everything looks like a guy you could kill with a hammer

supernatural castrated itself so badly they won’t even let heterosexual couples flourish

bottoms are gay cause they were molested & want to re-experience it tops are gay cause they were molested & want to hurt their past self via inflicting it on a proxy

*torturing you* dude trust me, something really cool happens. you just have to reflect on it for a bit. i'm doing this because i want you to reach your full potential okay?