DON’T STOP.

sorry i rear ended you. my car is.. in heat

Yeah its kind of a compliment i guess. that it wants to fuck your car. so just tell your insurince that

i bet girls hated it in 1902 cuz you would constantly go on dates w guys who are working on an invention to present at the world fair

close your eyes and imagine freshly roasted root vegetables perfectly seasoned and crispy as far as the eye can see

Sam trying to get Frodo to take one more step

Sam psychologically tormenting Gollum

asked one of my coworkers how she's doing today and she goes "could be better, could be worse," and another coworker nearby who was eavesdropping chimes in with "could be a lil bit o' alligator curse!" i have no idea what he meant by that but i do know that it has been immediately added to the lexicon.

I am God and in this next patch update I’m getting rid of periods. instead, vaginas will now make pearls that you can trade in for prizes

Being high has me saying things like “I like friends” as if it’s some profound relization

a puff of truthweed will have your breath carry only the undeniable

'Pookie-bear' is attested back to 1959, and 'Pookie' by itself at least as early as 2003, per Wiktionary

I was born in 1997

You made your username when you were 5?

If it means I win this argument, then yes

Men who talk shit about gold diggers underestimate the grit it takes to put up with an insufferable man, even when money is involved. We should be thanking them for their service like they are veterans.

Funniest thing about the looksmaxxing community is how they believe that growing facial hair is “cheating”

*microfracturing my jaw with a hammer until I have David Coulthard’s chin* no you don’t get it bro, having a beard is cope