"but they're hurting real systems!!" and what separates a teenager faking for fun and a kid who hasn't uncovered their trauma yet? are these kids taking up appointments with trauma informed therapists and stealing your diagnosis? is the 30 year old who lives with her OC's in her head robbing you of an opportunity to heal? the only thing that really harmed me as a young system was the expectation to perform systemhood "correctly" to avoid accusations of faking, and guess what? they came anyways, because in my attempts to have full disclosure with the internet, my own brain was constantly twisting and hiding shit, feeding into my OCD that i was faking, despite my diagnosis.

and i know im on the piss on the poor website, so i will say that i think ALL system communities are harmful to young and newly discovered systems, and that the social pressure in these spaces encourages people to dig for things that they aren't ready to find in order to keep up with other systems. the DID community and plural community are both guilty of this. all mental health communities online are full of an unspoken competition and expectation to be a model example of a person with your disorder, boiling down aspects of your personal experience to fit what the DSM happens to say. i've seen this firsthand in every space geared towards a mental illness i've ever been in.

i truly think that is one of the worst effects that being in an abusive relationship had on me. the idea that a support system is conditional and can be taken away made me so afraid to be open. the idea that the one person who is supposed to be there for me through anything will instead weaponize what i tell them absolutely ruined me. i had always felt that lack of support from my family, but to see that people outside of my home would actively and overtly use my weaknesses to hurt me was shattering. to then have that lack of trust then bent and turned into "just another issue" of mine was so psychologically damaging to me that a year later i am still pushing people away.

the road to recovery will be long and exhausting and difficult. i have to actively fight my instincts that now tell me that nobody is safe, that everybody is waiting for their chance to make my fears a reality. i have to fight the urge to walk on eggshells and be passive and agreeable at all costs. i have to fight to even recognize that i am my own human being with the right to take space.

i truly did not know who i was when i got out of that relationship. a lot of the time i still don't have any idea. when i do it is vague and broad and feels artificial. i wonder often if i will ever truly recover or if i will spend the rest of my life fighting my instincts. i wonder if i will ever be a real person.

and i have ways to cope with this, i know other parts of me are much more confident and secure in their identity, i know that not all of me feels the torment and pain that i do. but i linger in the back of my mind, reminding them of the danger of being a person. trying to keep myself safe. i wish i had room to explore and grow rather than staying ever vigilant. what if i am sabotaging my chances at truly growing? what if i am holding myself back?

but then again, what if it happens again? what if it truly is a trap? what if trust is nothing but a bear trap, waiting to spring when i finally put enough weight on it? my therapist tells me to ignore the "what ifs" and not to apply my fears to people who haven't hurt me. i understand what she's saying, but it truly is visceral.